Speech by Michael Ashley

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Michael Ashley
Speech Date: nov 2003
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Can you hear alright at the back?
Mines a pint of Fosters Then.

For those of you who don't know me I'm Michael, David's brother and Best Man for the big day.

On behalf of David and Lesley I would like to thank you for attending this very special occasion, their wedding day.

I would also like to thank the bridesmaids and I'm sure you will all agree they look lovely and have done a wonderful job today.

When David asked me to be Best Man I thought I better check out what I was supposed to do. The first thing I read said I had to ensure the groom turned up for the ceremony sober. That was the easy part because he doesn't drink.

Then I realised I would have to give a speech. The speech I am told is the opportunity for the Best Man to introduce the Groom. The Best Man speeches I have heard have blatantly set out to demolish the character of the Groom, seeing this is the tradition I don't intend spoiling it.

This is where I had my first problem, I couldn't think of anything he had done wrong. It did occur to me that when he was 14 and on holiday in Magaluf, with my mam and dad, he didn't like the bar he was in so he started to cry and said he had a bad stomach so he could go back to the hotel. So Lesley, if you find him crying with a bad stomach don't believe him.

I still thought there must be something he has done so I made a few phone calls. I asked Brian if he could think of anything. He told me goody two shoes never did anything wrong but always got the best biscuits and cakes because he was the youngest.

I then tried Colin who told me that he had been thinking about that last week at the stag night and that in his opinion David was an Angel who had never done anything wrong apart from when he was arrested in the village for criminal damage. It turned out someone with the same coloured red trousers had put a window out in the village. Once again David was released without charge. Maybe they should have done something about the red trousers or the Kevin Keegan perm he was sporting at the time.

I also spoke to some of David's school friends and asked them what they thought he would be when he left school, and they all said “about 25”. So they weren't much help.

David tried his hand at cricket and ten pin bowling before finding out that he could make a little bit of money by gambling. David is a very keen gambler which is why the stag night was held at the casino. Today we are taking bets on how long this speech will last, I have put a fiver on 3 minutes.

The other thing I am supposed to do is offer some advice on marriage,

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Lesley, if you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you are wrong, you're aiming too high.

David, always remember those 3 little words that women love to hear, “your right dear”.

Also, a husbands last words should always be “okay, buy it”.

Cards and Telegrams.

It has been a great honour for me to be Best Man for David today and I think the day has been a great success. You make a great couple and I wish you both all the luck in the future and a very happy life together.

Would you all stand for a toast to the bride and groom.

David and Lesley.