Speech by Michael Barr

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Michael Barr
Speech Date: sep 2004
OPENING LINE

I won't be up here too long on account of my throat – Caitriona has threatened to
cut it so I won't ramble on too much.

First of all I'd like to say thanks to Rog for his speech, after today it's probably the last time he will be able to speak for 10 mins and not be interrupted

Secondly, I would like to thank the bridesmaids, Fiona & Aisling – you girls both look fantastic and have done a tremendous job of looking after Caitriona. Also I would like to say how gorgeous Caitriona looks and even Roger has scrubbed up quite well, although it's a shame had to copy my outfit.

Finally I would also like to thank all of you for being here today to share in this very special occasion. As we have been gathering this afternoon, I have had time to look around the room at you all and have been struck by just how far some people have travelled …..… for a free meal
Before I start what is bound to be a memorable and hilarious speech, I have
a quick safety announcement to make – the hotel staff has asked me to request that you refrain from getting up on top of the chairs and tables during my standing ovation. Thanks guys.
BEST MAN'S DUTIES
Traditionally the best man is entrusted with several important responsibilities – not least of which is to ensure that the groom arrives on time, sober and looking smart
and even that was pretty tricky. After all look what I have had to work with, I'm the
best man – not a magician! However – I managed stage one OK – much to Caitriona's surprise – for those who don't know me – I have a bit of a problem with timekeeping.
Perhaps the second most important duty is arranging the stag do. For those of you who don't know – a small group of us enjoyed a few days in Galway. Now I would LOVE nothing more than to tell you how Roger dressed up as a girl and drank so much that he passed out in a hall ..… NAKED…… BUT
Firstly – The traditional law of the stag has us all sworn to secrecy AND
Secondly – To be honest, it was really just a few quiet drinks and an early night for all
In fact Caitriona, I have to say – Roger was an ANGEL in Galway.
(TAKE TENNER FROM ROGER)
Incidentally Roger, all the staff at Barnacles Guest House in Galway have asked me to wish you and Caitriona all the very best for the future ..…
Oh – and they asked me to return these to you
(HAND ROGER GIRLS SHOES)
(To be fair Roger didn't look nearly as fetching as the groomsman – pictures on web)

STORIES

Now I have only known Roger since starting secondary school – but I have heard some stories about his childhood. Apparently when Roger was born he was such an ugly baby that the midwife actually slapped Rog's mum. In fact Yvonne {GROOM's MUM} only developed morning sickness AFTER the birth. It's also been rumoured that when Roger was a toddler, his parents used to tie bones around his neck so the dog would play with him.

However, I have known Roger long enough to acquire plenty of other stories, and I could stand up here and embarrass him in front of his friends and family. But I'm not going to do that.

For example I'm NOT going to tell you about our first party in our house in Belfast – when Roger invited all three floors of the Fly nightclub back for a drink. Of course they ALL turned up. We were subsequently visited by the police twice and the next day we received a friendly threat from the local – shall we say “Community Action Group”. Thanks for that one Rog.

I'm certainly not going to stand here and relate tales of Roger's countless motoring disasters. I'm sure everyone here has chuckled over the years at Rogers's mode of transport. The Fred Flintstone foot holes he cut out of his Metro certainly stand out in my memory.

I'm definitely not going to spend any time reminding Roger that during his many years of rugby and martial arts training – only one huge, mean, scary bloke has ever actually managed to knock him out isn't that right Rog. {TO GUESTS} It was me by the way!

But I'm not going to go down the character assassination route. Instead I'll concentrate on Roger's achievements (so it won't be a long speech)

ROG'S ACHIEVMENTS

I thought the best way to do this is to look at one of Roger's old School reports – from his GCSE year at Bangor Grammar.
(Produce report covered in flour – and blow “dust” off it)

Phew – it has been quite a while mate!

BIOLOGY – E – Its hard to believe that out of 10 million sperm – Rog was the fastest (Dr. F)
MATHS – F – Roger can certainly count. He can count on failing this course. (NR)
ENGLISH – C – Roger has come on in leaps and bounds this semester – after Xmas we hope to advance to joined-up writing (BG)
GEOGRAPHY – (ungraded) –Roger has yet to locate the classroom (RM)
PE – A – Roger has achieved success with the School rugby, cricket, and badminton teams – unfortunately this may be short lived as Glenlola girl's school have recently introduced a “females only” policy in their sports teams.
Oh well – so much for achievements! It has to be said though that his greatest achievement has to be marrying Caitriona today. Roger, you are a very lucky man. You have married someone who's smart and beautiful, kind-hearted, loving and caring and she deserves a good husband. So good job you married her before she found one!

SLAGGING
Just to put your mind at rest Mr and Mrs Ferguson, I decided to try to gauge how all Roger's friends and colleagues felt about him…….but as neither of them would return my calls……

I decided instead to speak to some of Roger's rugby mates, and they told me that although he had a brief spell as captain of the Bangor Grammar 2nd XV – Rog's game was generally lacking in 3 main areas:
A – Useless in nearly every position
B – Failed to vary the pace, and
C – His tackle wasn't big enough!
(So best of luck tonight Caitriona!)

On a brighter note – after a brief call to Northbrook Technology, Roger's new work colleagues informed me that in the office he is actually renowned as something of a god. Seriously they did. They said that he is:
rarely seen
holier than thou and that
IF he does any work at all it's a bloody miracle.
To sum up then, we could possibly compare the life of our very own R K Moore to the life of another, slightly better known Roger Moore. Of course – James Bond. Someone had to mention it mate. Well, lets look at the evidence:
James Bond is tall, dark and handsome and he's a terrific fighter Bond has always had amazing cars. Bond can certainly hold his drink, and of course there is the string of beautiful girls in Bond's life.
Comparing James Bond to my mate Roger then….…
{PAUSE} erm ..… {PAUSE}
…..… They're both called Roger Moore?
NICE BIT
Well I think I've embarrassed him just about enough, so I would finally like to say to you mate – that that you are my oldest and dearest friend. We have been through some bad times and we have been through a lot of good times. Your friendship has been a source of strength to me throughout the years and I want to say that it has been an honour and a privilege to stand beside you today, thank you for asking me.

MARITAL ADVICE
Before I ask you to toast the bride and groom I would like to offer one piece of marital advice:
Never, ever go to sleep on an argument …………always stay up and fight!
TOAST
And so Parents, Family and Friends, for the final time this evening would you all be upstanding and charge your glasses.
To my best friend and his lovely new wife. May your love be modern enough to survive the times but old fashioned enough to last for ever
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the new Mr and Mrs Moore: Roger and Caitriona