Speech by Michael Ellin

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Michael Ellin
Speech Date: Nov 2001
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls,

As Henry the 8th said to each of his wives………….I WON'T KEEP YOU LONG

Please forgive me if I appear a little nervous this afternoon……it's because I AM
If truth be known I'm a little terrified making this speech. This is not the first time TODAY I've risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

I would first like to say what an honour it is to be a part of Shaun and Zoe's special day.

I must say it has been a wonderful day and a very emotional wedding………..even the cake
was in tiers.

Zoe, you make a fine bride, you're beautiful and radiant and I do not think I have seen you happier. Mind you folks she SHOULD look gorgeous……she's had her hair done by Nicky Clarke, her dress is by versace and her foundation and makeup by B & Q (sorry, only joking)

I've known Shaun for over 20 years, we went to Junior & Senior School together.

I often wonder what it would be like if I DIDN'T have a friend like Shaun……sometimes the SMILE lasts for days.

Today we see before us a very presentable looking guy, so it may surprise you to learn that it wasn't always that way………..Shaun was NOT a PRETTY baby – Pauline didn't get morning sickness until AFTER he was born.

Yes, Pauline and Graham were a little disappointed when Shaun came into the world, they had THEIR HEARTS set on a Golden Retriever.

Shaun lists his hobbies as Football, Eating, Drinking & Gambling.

His idea of a well balanced diet is a BIG MAC in each hand.

He used to own and work with Tropical Fish…..it was his passion. Now his only passion is DRINKING like a FISH.

Yes, your bridegroom is a man of vision……sometimes BLURRED….sometimes DOUBLE.

Actually he can't drink too much right now…….TONIGHTS a BIG night and he doesn't want to take the risk………Rumour has it he's like a LOAD of fireworks in November…..BLOODY USELESS AFTER THE 5th.

What can I say about the Stag day ??? ….we STARTED EARLY and Shaun FINISHED EARLY (as usual)

I am not quite sure where Shaun's LOVE of gambling comes from – perhaps you can help
MR BRIGGS (looking at Shauns dad).

Shaun's knowledge of racing is OUTSTANDING. He can name any trainer, jockey or horse which finished 4th in any race in the LAST 4 YEARS.

The STAG DO at YORK RACES was an experience for us all, seeing Shaun drinking lager through a STRANGERS SWEATY SOCKS and SNOGGING his mate STEVE in the middle of a packed boozer was something else.

Happily as we all know, the lovely Miss EARNSHAW came into his life and today seeing Shaun with his WONDERFUL bride, I realise what a good choice he has made…………I really admire his taste………….which is more than can be said FOR HERS.

Zoe wanted a SIMPLE wedding and that is what she got starting with the BRIDEGROOM.

I hope your first night as a MARRIED couple runs smoothly. After all, Shaun has always been rather NAIVE when it comes to sexual matters…….He actaully believes MUTUAL CLIMAX is an INSUARNCE COMPANY.

Some marital advice for you Shaun, a successful marriage is one where your wife is your BEST FRIEND. Marriage won't be perfect and there will be fights, but don't you fear just remember Shaun you can always get the last 2 words in……………YES DEAR

Before the final toasts and messages, I would just like to take this opportunity to share with you a picture of Shaun and Zoe tomorrow morning AFTER the Wedding Night.
I expect Shaun will call down to room service and order breakfast for them both. For himself he will order a FULL ENGLISH BREAKFAST with all the extra's, and for Zoe he will order just a lettuce leaf and a carrot and nothing else. Room service will arrive but the waitress will be puzzled by his request and will probably ask him him whether MRS BRIGGS might want something more SUBSTANTIAL than a lettuce leaf and a carrot……..To which Shaun will reply :…….It's OK………..I am conducting an experiment……………………….to see if she EATS LIKE A RABBIT as well.

Before I read a few cards, I would like to mention what a wonderful job Zoe's sister LINDSEY has done today and how lovely she looks. Please raise your glasses to toast the bridesmaid.

READ CARDS

To Shaun & Zoe
Hope you have a wonderful day
thanks for your loyal and valued custom

from Mr Coral, Mr Ladbrokes & Mr William Hill

And finally on behalf of everyone here, I can truly say that you are wished nothing but the BEST for the future. You're love of takeaway food makes you a unique and perfectly matched couple, and we all hope that all your dreams come true and you have a MAGICAL life together.

LADIES & GENTLEMEN please be upstanding and join me in a toast……….… TO THE BRIDE AND GROOM.