Speech by Michael McDonald

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Michael McDonald
Speech Date: aug2002
John Morris Speech

Good evening, for those of you who don't know me, my name is Michael and I'm one of the best men. Before I start I think I owe it to you to clarify the best man situation.

Nathan: Is John's childhood friend and is responsible for carrying the rings and getting John to the church…

Jason: Is very good with lager and was responsible for organising the stag weekend…

I: Will agree to pretty much anything when I've had a few drinks…hence the fact that I'm standing here now… it's a bit like being offered the chance to sleep with the Queen…it's a great honour but I didn't really want to do it..…

In order to clarify the best man situation further, I had suggested to John and Ginny that they have a nude wedding…..if they had done this it would have been perfectly clear to everyone that only I could be described as the best man….Ginny's mum Cheryl actually vetoed the idea because she was afraid when the congregation sat down after the hymn it would sound like a round of applause….Ginny was more concerned about where Nathan would keep the ring…

John

For those of you who don't know John very well, I'd like to give you a quick summary of some of the highlights of his life.…

I've known John for about 5 years, so I had to make a few enquiries about his childhood and growing up. I found myself listening on the phone…..and the
moment I heard the magic words ‘but you can't mention this at the wedding’…….that's when I would pick up my pen and start taking notes.…

John was brought up in a small town called Llandeilo in Wales. For those of you from London who don't know where that is…it's a small country attached to the side of England, just near Bristol…
In the country, John lived amongst the farm animals. One day when John was a little boy, he was walking one of the cows down a country lane to the field where the bull was kept. He bumped into Dai the local policeman, who said ‘Hello there Johnny, where are you going with that cow?’ (Dai was an English policeman) ‘I'm taking her to the bull’ replied John. ‘Can't your father do that?’ said the policeman. ‘Oh no, it has to be the bull’….…

When John was ? he went to boarding school at Llandovery college, where he was the smallest boy in the year and was known as ‘Little Johnnie Morris’…Life has a way of evening things up though, and between the ages of 15 and 17 he put on a massive
growing spurt, and became the strapping hunk we know him as today…..for those who had persecuted him, it was time for retrobution…’Big Johnnie Morris’ became feared for his neck hold and strangle grip.

It was during this period that John took up a keen interest in golf. Now, I played with him quite recently and was a bit dubious about this….so I dug deeper…and found out that apparently when John returned to the boarding house after a game, his bag
would have mysteriously doubled in weight. His housemaster began to get suspicious, and caught him out one day using the ‘Trojan horse’ technique to
smuggle 12 cans of beers into school…..the closest to real golf John ever played, was teeing up a ball in the rugby field and firing it with his driver at the boarding house windows…
John moved to Brighton for university and another dramatic transformation occurred. He change from Johnnie ‘alright boyo’ Morris to John ‘Hello darling’ Morris. His accent change was so extreme, when he returned to Wales, no one could understand a word he said….He completed his architecture masters back in Cardiff, where to make a bit of money he dressed himself up in a leotard to give personal fitness instruction…..he also dabbled in the sale of waterbeds, and had one himself at home which he proudly covered with black satin sheets….very sexy…

Eventually John moved up to London, where I met him for the first time and we ended up sharing a house….I was a little wary of him to start with…and even more so when he requested that myself and the rest of the house get undressed so he could cover us in paint and roll us around on the floor…it was all for the sake of art…and the masterpiece ‘painting’ which is actually really good, is hanging in John/Ginny's house as living proof.

My favourite John moment though is when he proudly came home one day with a new TV and Video which he had literally bought off the back of a lorry…when he found out the video did not work, he opened it up to find that all the insides were
missing…I have a feeling the TV didn't work either….John, that was the best 50 quid you ever spent!!!!

John/Ginny

Anyway…somehow things had to get better….and theydid…he met Ginny.…

The 2 met at a friends party. It was one of those parties where all the single girls had been paired up with all the single men by the party organisers before it even began. On this fateful night Ginny had originally been paired up with me…but when she first
laid eyes on me decided she needed a man with a little bit more hair….(look at John)….as you can see, that's exactly what she got ‘a man with a little bit more hair’.…

That night the 2 were introduced; Ginny was wearing a pair of really tight trousers. John said to her ‘blimey, how do you get into those?’ Ginny replied ‘you could start by buying me a Gin and Tonic!’….a couple of hours later they were found snogging on a sofa outside under a blanket…..the John Morris hand massage had worked its magic…

Their first date was at a 70s do in London……Ginny had her hair in lovely plats and John wore a jungle shirt with a big hairy chest…..come to think of it the hairy chest wasn't part of the costume.… From there the relationship thrived…, until John and Ginny were on holiday in Greece and John decided to pop the questions. John phoned up Cheryl and Richard to ask for Ginny's hand in marriage…Richard said ‘You know Ginny has acute angina?’ and John replied ‘Yes, and she's got a lovely arse as well!’

On that note I'm going to finish and could I propose one final toast…not to John and Ginny, but to Mr and Mrs John and Ginny Morris, the bride and groom.

Messages

Before I go I've got one message to read out:
Tom Jones – Dear John and Ginny, sorry I could not be there, best wishes Tom. ps please send a picture of the Bride and Groom mounted.