Speech by Michael Parker

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Michael Parker
Speech Date: oct 2003
Hello everybody, and welcome to Belfast Castle, for those that don't know me. My name is "Michael fancy a drink” So please feel free to introduce yourselves later.

On behalf of the bride and groom I would like to thank you all for coming and helping to make this a special day. I would also like to thank you for the splendid gifts that you have bestowed on the happy couple. And if any one wishes to view the gifts, they will be soon available to buy on ebay

Management has asked me to follow a few pointers. The management being Sonya Williamson, and Not Belfast Castle, I've been asked not to swear, tell dirty stories,.. Or mention any of Nigel's ex-girlfriends, so thanks for coming and I hope you enjoy the rest of the evening (pretend to sit down)

Now I know I wasn't Sonya's first choice as best man, or second or third, but I was the cheapest and the only suite at the hire shop that was left was extra large, I proudly stand before u

I've had the pleasure of knowing Nigel for a long time, since we first met. When he joined Bangor Primary School in P3, as a snotty nose unpopular, geeky, loner of a child. Nothing changed much since then. I invited him to my 8th Birthday party; to help him make friends, for future reference its customary, Nigel to bring a gift.

Now it was at primary school that Nigel and I, talked about football, fast cars and girls, now that were all grown up, I hate football and Nigel doesn't own a car… all we talk about is girls

I recall that in Mrs Smyth's class, we used to do a test every Friday, now it was only a class test. But Nigel suffered from what we nick named Fridayitus. And always took Fridays off to avoid doing the test. I think its called truancy nowadays.

It was the move to secondary school that our paths separated. I passed my 11 plus and went to Bangor Grammar, a fine institution for learning, and preparing for the world ahead. Unfortunately for the Nigel the 11 plus was held on a Friday and so it was off to Gransha Boys High School, or as its locally known, Young offenders centre, where lessons in house breaking and auto crime where high on the school time table

Now it was after secondary school that our paths crossed, and I would say the beginning of our close friendship when we both went to work for the Newtownards Chronicle. Now both of us being ambitious, I started with the chronicle, moved to the Bangor Spectator, then unto the Bangor News and finally the Newsletter before moving into still life photography full time. Nigel Started in the Chronicle taking photographs in Black and white, he's now moved unto colour.

It was also at this time that the legendary Thursday Nights started. Legendary because I cant remember most of them. But as a couple of young lads we would hit the town, curtsey of Evelyn's taxis, party the night away and entertain the young ladies. I still think they where laughing at us and not with us. I can recall one time when my mum came into my bedroom, saw the lump beside me, and was about to give off, when I called out it was Nigel. My mother was strangely ok with this. But she now thinks imp gay. Now Nigel is almost like family to me. He's like the son my parents never wanted, and the brother I didn't need.

Nigel and I have been through a whole lot together, but thankfully, none of them are here tonight. There are many stories I could tell, but as this is your wedding and not your funeral, I wont… You dirty dog!!!!

But it was about four years ago that the Thursday nights came to an end when Nigel met Sonya. Nigel is a very lucky guy in meeting someone like Sonya Someone who's beautiful, charming, smart, funny, loving and caring. And Sonya, you've got Nigel.

It was about two years into there relationship that Nigel, Down on bended knee proposed to Sonya. Any then after some soul searching, asked moi to be best man.

The groom Kindly bought me a book on the bests mans duties, (Hold book up blow dust…talc from its unread pages) Organising stag do's, dressing the groom, ordering the morning suites, I hope you have kept the receipt, because as you can probable tell, I haven't read it.

With one exception, I had great pleasure in organising the Stag do…one word.… Amsterdam. Gentlemen if you've never been, don't take your wives. This was an educational trip for me, almost like a school trip with myself as head teacher. We studied the physics of 10 pints into Nigel don't go, the mathematics of dividing the bill for a Chinese meal between eleven. Even with calculators we couldn't get that right. Malcolm was able to gave a history and geography lesson of Amsterdam. And the debating society was lead by Stephen and lets not forget to mention the live show at the nightclub we went to, proved the practical worth of biology. And of course, after our studies, a bit of window-shopping. I just like to point out that Malcolm, kindly looking after the video duties, has been to Amsterdam that often that they are thinking of naming a street after him, Please let me introduce to you, Malcolm Red-light.

Nigel is a big fan of American Wrestling, you have no doubt seen in on TV, two sweaty people faking grunting and groaning noises, while tossing each other around the place, in the morning Nigel you'll understand what I mean. Now it became common knowledge to all at the stag do that Nigel was a big fan of said sport, On the last night before we returned home, and guys did u realise that there was no women in that bar, a Blue Oyster moment. But as we where sitting around chatting, one of the guys who came with us, who we nicknamed mad john, cause he was simply mad, turned to another guy and said “I bet Ralf is watching this”. The other guy perplexed say “who's Ralf?” and mj replied, “The guys who stag were on”. Nigel. Glad to see you've left another lasting impression on someone.

Now it's traditional to debag, undress, strip off in the street the stag on his stag weekend. Nigel was so scared that on the final walk home he debagged himself, which was a bit of an anti climax. Sonya I hope it's not as cold tonight in the honeymoon suite as it was for Nigel during that walk home. And we also found out that its not only women who use hair removal cream

But glad to say we all made it home safely with gifts for our loved ones. Mine was a carefully chosen gift from the duty free shop at the airport… and a rash!

Now I took the opportunity to ask my father for some marriage advice. And after my mother had finished talking… he said… always have the last word… and make sure that last word is SORRY

—–Finally——
It has been an utterly fantastic day so far and in such amazing fantastic surroundings? Sonya, I think you'll agree looks absolutely stunning… and Nigel looks quite simply…stunned.
Nigel, as I stand here before you as Best man, I think today, you have proved yourself the better man.
So it gives me great pleasure, not to mention relief, to ask you all to raise your glasses in wishing the new Mr & Mrs Williamson many years of happiness.

The bride and groom.