Speech by Michael Salisbury

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Michael Salisbury
Speech Date: sep 2003

LEE + SHARRONS WEDDING

Ladies and Gentlemen: FIRSTLY LET ME START BY SAYING HOW LOVELY THE BRIDESMAIDS LOOK TODAY, AND CONGRATULATE THEM ON A JOB WELL DONE, ALSO TO SAY SHARRON LOOKS ABSOLUTELY STUNNING TODAY.

THERE ARE 2 PEOPLE HERE TODAY FOR WHOM WE ALL HAVE THE UPMOST RESPECT FOR AND QUITE HONESTLY WITH WHOM WE COULD NOT DO WITHOUT, AT SOME STAGE OF THE DAY WE WILL ALL BE WITH THEM SHARING THIS SPECIAL OCCASION, SO PLEASE RAISE YOUR GLASSES , A TOAST…TO THE BAR STAFF!!!!!!!!!!

A WISE MAN ONCE TOLD ME THAT A BEST MANS SPEECH SHOULD LAST AS LONG AS IT TAKES FOR THE GROOM TO MAKE LOVE TO HIS BRIDE….… THANKYOU AND GOOD DAY.

NOW FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW ME MY NAME IS MIKE, AND LEE HAS KINDLY ASKED ME TO BE HIS BEST MAN. HE ALSO ENSURES ME THAT IF I DO A GOOD JOB THEN I CAN BE BEST MAN AT HIS NEXT WEDDING.

BEFORE I GO ON TO COMPLETELY SLANDER LEES CHARACTER AS IS TRADITIONAL, ID JUST LIKE TO FIRST THANK LEE FOR LENDING ME A BOOK WHICH IS ENTITLED “THE BEST MANS CHECKLIST” WHICH I MUST CONFESS I WAS MYSTIFIED BY SOME THINGS I WAS EXPECTED TO DO:

BRING A CHEQUEBOOK FOR PAYMENTS THAT THE GROOM MAY HAVE FORGOTTON, KNOWING LEE THAT WOULD BE ALL OF THEM.

HELP THE GROOM DRESS-THANKS BUT NO THANKS IF HE HASN'T LEARNED BY NOW.

ENSURE THAT THE GROOM GOES TO THE TOILET (AGAIN I REFUSE)
HIS HAIR IS TIDY- NO WORRIES THERE
HIS SHOES ARE TIED;
NOTHING IS BETWEEN HIS TEETH OR SHOULD THAT BE HIS EARS
AND THAT HIS TROUSER FLY IS UP.…
MMMMMMMMM….… MAYBE HIS MUM SHOULD HAVE BEEN BEST MAN.

NOW THE KEY IS TO FIND A BEST MAN WHO IS RESOURCEFUL, ENERGETIC, AND DIPLOMATIC, ONE WHO WILL NOT OFFEND ANYONE OR WILL CREATE PROBLEMS.

AS YOU CAN SEE LEE'S OBVIOUSLY AN APPAULING JUDGE OF CHARACTER, WHICH BRINGS ME NICELY TO THE POINT WHERE I CAN DEMOLISH HIS CHARACTER.

HIS MUM SAYS HE WAS SUCH AN UGLY BABY SHE DID'NT GET MORNING SICKNESS UNTIL AFTER HE WAS BORN.

HIS DAD SAYS THEY USED TO TIE A BONE AROUND HIS NECK JUST SO THE DOG WOULD PLAY WITH HIM.

AND AS FOR KEVIN AND GARETH I CANT REPEAT WHAT THEY SAID.

PRIMARY SCHOOL

LEE AND I HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE PRIMARY SCHOOL, LEE WENT TO GOLFTYN AND I WENT TO BRYN DEVA, WHICH LEADS TO MY FIRST STORY, WE WERE BOTH VERY KEEN FOOTBALLERS BACK THEN AND CAME UP AGAINST EACH OTHER WHEN THE 2 SCHOOLS MET IN THE CUP FINAL, IT WAS AN INTERESTING GAME THAT HAD FINISHED 3-3 LEE WAS HAVING A NIGHTMARE HE WOULD SEE HIS SHOTS HIT THE POST OR CROSS BAR THEN HAVE TO WATCH AS I SCORED ALL 3 OF MY TEAMS GOALS. THE GAME HAD TO BE DECIDED ON PENALTIES 3 PENS PER SIDE I SCORED 1 OF OUR PENALTIES AND LEE STEPPED UP AND HAD TO SCORE TO TAKE IT INTO SUDDEN DEATH, DO YOU THINK HE SCORED NOT A CHANCE HE MISSED BY A FRACTION JUST SCRAPING THE POST, THE BRYN DEVA LADS INCLUDING MYSELF WENT WILD WE HAD WON THE CUP AGAINST OUR RIVALS, BUT THE STORY DID'NT END THERE COS AS WE WALKED OFF THE PITCH I SEEN LEE CROUCHED DOWN CRYING HIS EYES OUT, HE WAS DEVASTATED, AND ALL I COULD DO WAS LAUGH AND SING WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS. I DON'T THINK HE WAS TOO IMPRESSED.

NOW LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE FIRST TIME LEE AND SHARRON MET. IT WAS AT THE INFAMOUS STYLES NIGHTCLUB, LEE AND I WITH THE REST OF THE LADS WERE HAVING A LAUGH AS YOU DO EYING UP ALL THE GIRLS WELL I WASN'T I WAS TAKEN FOR ALREADY. WE BOTH WENT TO THE BAR WHERE LEE LOOKED OVER TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BAR AND THERE SHE WAS THE GIRL OF HIS DREAMS………………AND JUST BEHIND THAT GIRL WAS SHARRON. AS YOU CAN SEE THEY HAVE MADE IT ALL THE WAY AND HAVE BOUGHT A LOVELY HOME TOGETHER AND HAD A BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER MEGAN. AND HAVE FINALLY GOT MARRIED SO GOOD LUCK TO YOU BOTH, BUT BEFORE YOU LOOK FORWARD TO WEDDED BLISS, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO SEEK GOOD ADVICE FROM VETERANS OF THE MARRIAGE STATE TO PASS ON THERE ADVICE AND COMMENTS THAT WILL EASE THE SOMETIMES PRECARIOUS ROAD TO MARRIAGE; THESE ARE SOME OF THE VIEWS THEY SHARED WITH ME

THERE ARE MORE THAN 2 RINGS IN MARRIAGE, WHAT ABOUT SUFFERING, ENDURING, AND TORTURING.
I MUTTERED A FEW WORDS IN CHURCH AND GOT MARRIED I MUTTERED A FEW WORDS IN MY SLEEP AND GOT DIVORCED.
ALWAYS TELL HER THOSE 3 LITTLE WORDS “YOU'RE RIGHT DEAR”

ITS FAIR TO SAY THAT FOR LEE ITS NOT ALWAYS BEEN PLAIN SAILING,HE HAS HAD A FEW HEALTH PROBLEMS RECENTLY, HE HAS JUST SPENT 6 DAYS IN THE PREMATURE EJACULATION UNIT, APPARENTLY IT WAS TOUCH AND GO.

YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED SHARRON HAS GOT OFF LIGHTLY HERE TODAY BUT THAT'S BECAUSE LEE WOULD,NT DISH ANY DIRT INCASE SHE REFUSES HIM HIS CONJUGAL RIGHTS, HOWEVER SHE HAS PROMISED SHE WILL HELP OUT WITH THE HOUSEWORK ONCE IN A WHILE.

THE BRIDE ALSO REALISES THAT THE GROOM HAS HAD HIS FAIR SHARE OF GIRLFRIENDS OVER THE YEARS AND WOULD APPRECIATE IT THAT IF ANYONE HAS KEYS TO HIS PLACE COULD YOU RETURN THEM PLEASE. (WAIT FOR KEYS)07/05/2003 09:04

NOW THEN COMING TO AN END I WOULD LIKE TO SAY SOME SERIOUS THINGS ABOUT LEE THAT MAKES HIM THE PERSON HE IS TODAY.

LEE USED TO BE THE LAD WHO WOULD GET UP ON A FRIDAY MORNING KNOCK AT MY DOOR AND WE WOULD GO THE PUB TIL SUNDAY, WE WOULD DRINK OURSELVES SENSELESS EVERY WEEKEND JUST BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE DID, WE ENJOYED OUR HOLIDAY IN IBIZA WHERE JASON GOT THROWN OFF THE PLANE FOR SAYING THAT HE HAD A BOMB IN HIS BAG, WHICH INCIDENTALLY HAD LEE, S TRAVELLERS CHEQUES INSIDE, HE RAN OFF THE PLANE TO GET THEM HOLDING THE FLIGHT UP 1 AND A HALF HRS, BUT I SUPPOSE AT LEAST HE GOT BACK ON THE FLIGHT UNLIKE JASE. THEN THERE WAS LEE'S STAG WEEK IN MAGALUF, 12 LADS WENT BUT TO BE FAIR TO LEE HE ONLY GOT DRUNK ONCE, MONDAY TO MONDAY. AFTER MEETING SHARRON HIS LIFE CHANGED FOR THE BETTER HE STILL HAS A PINT WITH HIS MATES AND IS ALWAYS THERE TO SHARE A JOKE OR A PROBLEM WITH. HAVING MEGAN PUT THE ICING ON THE CAKE TO MAKE HIS LIFE NEAR PERFECT, WHICH AFTER TODAY IM SURE IS NOW COMPLETE,REFERRING BACK TO MY STORY IN PRIMARY SCHOOL LEE MIGHT HAVE MISSED HIS CHANCES THAT DAY BUT HE SURE MADE UP FOR IT BY TAKING HIS CHANCE WITH SHARRON. SO HERES TO YOU MATE AND LET ME NOW FINISH OFF WITH A TOAST SO IF YOU WOULD ALL BE UP STANDING PLEASE…….A TOAST TO A WONDERFUL COUPLE, MAKE ALL YOUR FUTURE WISHES AND DREAMS COME TRUE, LEE AND SHARRON.

THE END.