Speech by Michael Thorpe

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Michael Thorpe
Speech Date: aug 2002
First of all, I'd like to thank Darren for his kind words about Wendy, the bridesmaid, and of course now his sister-in-law! And I'm sure you'll agree with me that Wendy and of course Tracy are both looking stunning today.

Secondly, I'd like to thank Darren for asking me to be his best man – and Tracey for letting him do so! I was very surprised to be asked, but also quite honoured. It soon dawned on me, though that I'd have to do a speech, and I've been bricking it ever since – especially this past week! It has, however, come to my attention that I was not the first person he asked! Apparently Danny Mills is away with Leeds and couldn't make it, so I was drafted in. When the weeding photos come back, you won't know the difference!
Darren has promised, though, that if I do a good enough job this afternoon, he'd let me be his best man at his next wedding!

I first met Darren back in 1992. It was our first day at Lancaster University – so it was probably raining! As most of you know who went to Lancaster, once you've unpacked it's important to introduce yourself to your neighbours. Darren's was the first door I found open, so I knocked and went in. After the usual exchanging of pleasantries – ‘where do you come from’, ‘what A-levels did you get’ and ‘what are you studying’, we decided to watch football on his TV – it was Man Utd away in Russia. He had on of those TV/radio/alarm clock all in ones – the screen was only about 3 inches big, though he swears it wasn't less than 6! While watching this excuse for a TV, Darren had made us both a brew – one of the worst cups of tea I've had in my life! He'd been given a tea's maid, and although he'd not read the instructions, he thought he knew how it worked! Anyway, after suffering 90 minutes of hell trying to watch this little screen, we found out there was a big colour TV in the bar! I never watched his TV again!

Football played quite a big part in our friendship. We both tried out for the college football team a couple of times. If you've played football with Darren, you'll know you've got to watch your ankles! Unfortunately he wasn't very good in any of the positions he tried, and failed to score once – lets hope for Tracy's sake he shapes up for the honeymoon!

As you'll know Darren's a big Cobblers fan, and as such he's been to all the big games – Bolton against Leeds, Bolton against Carlton, Bolton against Athletico Bilbao (that was a friendly!), and he's also been to a few away matches, too – Barnsley against Bolton, Sheff Utd against Bolton.… Oh, and he's taken me to Blackpool against Northampton, and for my only visit to the mighty Sixfields Stadium, Northampton against Southend. That is a bit of a touchy subject, actually, because he missed the goal as he was staring up at the floodlights at the time!

Darren carefully selected today's date so as not to clash with any important footballing fixtures – he knows all too well about missing out on such an occasion. Remember Northamton v Swansea – the Cobblers first ever visit to Wembley? Darren doesn't, he was at a friend's wedding. Remember Northampton v Grimsby? – the Cobblers second ever visit to Wembley? Darren doesn't. This time he was at a christening in Manchester. He made it to Bolton in time for us to watch it at the pub, but they lost, he wasn't in a very good mood and went home without really saying a word! Unfortunately, Darren, you seem to have overlooked Northampton's away friendly to Nuneaton Borough this afternoon. Call yourself a fan?

I don't know what first attracted Darren to the blonde, slim, attractive Tracy, but it must have been the love of politics that they both shared – either that or he needed help with his essays. Believe it or not, I lived on the same corridor as Tracy in our final year, but it took me until the second term to find out! Darren would come round for his usual cuppa, then leave soon after to visit the girl across the corridor. The reason I didn't know her was that I'd never seen her in the kitchen – something that's not changed over the last 8 years! Darren must really have needed help with those essays, because some nights he'd stay over, and the next morning he's look totally knackered! At the time he did tell me that he kipped on the floor – I don't doubt that at all – as everybody who went to Lancaster knows, those beds weren't made for two!

When I started to write this speech a couple of weeks ago, I looked at a site on the net for some ideas. It told two things – 1- that I should really have started writing this speech four months ago and 2 that I shouldn't really feel guilty about not organising his stag do, as years ago, it was tradition that the groom organised his own. In fact he organised a really good stag do. Beers and a DVD at his on the Friday, karting on Saturday morning, England v Denmark in the afternoon (OK, that was just lucky) and finishing off with a club at night.

On the Saturday morning, Darren quickly got into the swing of things. He put his foot down on the straights, slammed on his brakes on the bends, cut people up left right and centre and basically just drove like a lunatic – and once we got to the karting and onto the track he wasn't any different!

The rest of the day went smoothly enough. Though for a stag do, there were a few things missing. On the Friday night we watched ‘Mike Bassett – England Manager’. None of your usual smut. And on the Saturday, there were no strippers, no lap dancing, no tieing him up naked to a lamp post and no shaving of eyebrows. A very low key affair really. But as he said to me at the time, if you already do it every week, you need a break every so often.

Just before I arrived here this morning, there were a couple of messages left at the reception for me.

One was for you Trace – Tracy, we could have been so good together – Enrique Inglesias
The other for you Darren – Darren, we could have been so good together, see you in the toilets later anyway – George Michael.

But joking apart, I can't really say a bad word about Darren, at all. He's one of the few nice, genuine blokes left – myself being one of the others! He's been a good friend to me over the years, and he's always been there for me if I needed any help or advice. I think we all know how Darren and Tracy feel about each other – it's there for everybody to see, and today we've all been lucky enough to share their special day with them. So thanks for that, and I wish you both all the happiness in the world.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please be upstanding and join me in a toast

Wishing them a long and happy marriage, Darren and Tracy