Speech by Mike Breach

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mike Breach
Speech Date: sep2002
I hope you'll indulge me for a moment if I just picture you all naked ………………………………..it doesn't help with my nerves but I do find it strangely exciting.

Before I go on, the hotel management have asked that you don't stand on the chairs or tables for my standing ovation at the end.

I was a little nervous when I found out I was the best man. But I was more bothered with the title of “Best Man”. Saying that I'm the “Best Man” is saying quite a bit. If I'm the “Best Man” why the hell is Charlene marrying Chris??? So I'm just happy saying that I am a pretty good man.… because today, I think you'll all agree Chris is the best man.

So on to some words about Chris – Chris was born on the 23rd October 1968. 1968 was a quiet year as world history goes the 23rd October even quieter, but it was the year in which the first manned mission to orbit the moon – Apollo 8 – was launched, Martin Luther King was assassinated and the first book about The Wombles was published.
Chris and I have known each other for 11 years, I've known Charlene for only 7 years – but sometimes she makes it seem like 20. Anyway, because I didn't go to school with Chris, I've had to rely on his own version of events regarding his education..…
Chris was an exceptionally gifted student at school and he excelled in almost everything he did, be it sports, academics or the arts. He left school to the great sadness of his headmaster and successfully attended college and later university where I'm reliably informed he attained an excellent first class honours degree.
Having finished his schooling Chris tried his hand at a variety of jobs from print setter, to farm labourer, to milkman, to lorry driver before making the obvious transition into his current role as a web designer.
As I remember it, before discovering computers, Chris dedicated most of his spare time to the pursuit of women, as a milkman it seemed he'd also made into his career. As best man I was told that one of my duties would be to keep his ex-girlfriends at bay, this job was made a lot easier for me after last year's out break of foot and mouth – most of them have been quarantined or incinerated – the rest are having a party as we speak.
Traditionally at this point the best man is called upon to recant some humiliating stories about the groom. However in preparing this speech I was handed a heavy 12 volume set of books titled ‘Things not to mention’ by Charlene, which made me decide otherwise, that and the fact that my anecdotes tend to also implicate me. So I can't repeat why there was a bag of soggy flour in the garden, the funny noises that hedgehogs make, how we ate for the first 3 months after moving to Chippenham, the night that the street lamps in Malmesbury failed, why we drove to Devon in the middle of the night or why to this day I (and some of my family) still think Chris has homosexual tendencies.
Moving on, there have been three surprises for me today that I'd like to share.
Firstly – It's the first time I've seen Chris in a suit, outside of the shop where he was trying it on.
Secondly – Not including last nights rehearsal, It's the first time I've seen him in a church. Part of me expected to see him burst into flames as we walked through the door.
And Thirdly, most importantly – I have witnessed his marriage, something I'm very proud to have been invited to play a small part in, even if he has copied my outfit. As a long time friend of Chris there have been many times when I thought that I'd never see this day, but again, I'm very proud that it's happened and that he managed to keep his hands down when then vicar asked if there was any lawful impediment.. Chris could have done a lot worse than Charlene and Charlene, well, she could have done a lot better.
So ladies and gentlemen, if I may, I'd like to ask you to raise your glasses – ‘To my best friend Chris, and hopefully she's still my very good friend, Charlene – the happy couple’.