Speech by Mike Byford

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mike Byford
Speech Date: Jul 2009
Ladies, gentlemen, friends and family. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Mike, a friend of JIM's for the last 20 odd years. It's great to be stood up here today because, after all these years, JIM has finally admitted that I am, in fact, the best man. .[pause] I asked around how long my speech should last and the general response was about as long as it takes the groom to make love – so with that in mind, thank you and good night. [ sit down for a moment then stand again]
It's been a fantastic day so far. The venue is spectacular, the ceremony was very special and everyone looks lovely, especially the three beautiful bridesmaids [ ______,__________ and ___________] who would like me to thank JIM on their behalf for his kind words, – they done a fantastic job of preparing JAQS for the wedding given how much she was struggling to escape. .[pause] I would also especially like to thank all those family and friends that have travelled long distances to help make this a very special day for JIM &amp JAQS. As Vinny Jones, the hard man actor, said “It's been emotional”- look [ point to the wedding cake ] even the cake is in tiers. .[pause]
However, everyone has been out shone by our stunningly gorgeous bride, doesn't she look fantastic, one in a million – and JIM, well, you look like you were won in a raffle I've known JAQS for 7 years now and she's a truly wonderful girl who deserves a great husband – Thank god you married her JIM, before she found one
Now onto the serious side, I've got a traditional speech here and I'm told the first thing for the best man to do in his speech is let everybody from the bride's side know what sort of man their daughter has married.
Ok so here goes – JIM is caring, loving , funny, charming, generous, successful, witty – and [squint&amp show piece of paper to JIM] sorry JIM what does this say I'm can't read your handwriting. – .[pause] being serious now I have to say that over the years he has been the best friend anyone could hope for and I've always been able to go to him for support and help in my dark hours, and we've many great happy times together, so most of the embarrassing stories I had lined up to tell would only incriminate me as well, if you want to hear these you'll have to speak to me after.
However JIMs brother William gave me a couple of little tit bits about JIMs younger days back home in Glasgow, [pause]apparently he decided to wallpaper his mothers living room and apparently it was like something out of only fools and horses – he says the best bit was watching as JIM walked up the ladder and put his foot through the pasted strip of wallpaper he was about to hang. .[pause]

On another trip home JIM was sick all over Willie's technical drawing
homework. [pause] It wouldn't have been so bad but Willie was studying for his exams at the time and subsequently failed. His appeal that &quotmy brother was sick all over my drawings&quot was not upheld as they said it was so far fetched that only a child would come up with an excuse like that.

Here's one that both Willie and I can vouch for – if you catch more fish than him he sulks after pretending he is really happy for you. [pause]

When JIM first asked me to be best man he said he was wanted to have the ceremony on the beautiful Scottish island of Lewis,– but that quickly changed after he found out that on Lewis the new bride &amp groom have to live for a week with the bride's parents before going to their own home – so that's how St Marys was chosen
My first duty as best man was to make sure JIM made it to the church on time and in a relaxed frame of mind, so JIM stayed at my house last night and during our chats I asked him what he found special about JAQS, – he paused for a while and said it her small feet – she can get close up to the sink to wash up.[pause] I made sure he was in bed nice &amp early and confirm that he slept like a baby……that is, he wet the bed twice and woke up every hour crying. .[pause]
I also had a chat with JAQS and asked her the same question – what did she find special about JIM ? .[pause] she said he's the spitting image of her idol, MATT GOSS, of 90’s boy band BROS. .[show photo] Apparently she loved them so much she even dressed like them she wore a bandanna around her neck, had bottle tops on her shoes and even had the same hair cut as them. Her room was so covered BROS posters, you couldn't see the wallpaper or the ceiling.
Another of my duties was to make sure the church ceremony went smoothly, this is why I have my pocket guide book to help me. .[show book] In my little pocket guide it mentioned three important parts of today's service
Aisle – the longest walk you will ever take
Altar – the place where two become one
Hymn – the celebration of marriage
I think JAQ's must have read the same book because when she was walking up the aisle I'm sure I heard her whispering, I'LL ALTER HIM, I'LL ALTER HIM .[pause]
The only problem we've had so far is that we had a bit of an issue with the seating plan, because they really couldn't decide where everyone should sit. So JIM, in true scots fashion, decided to link the seating plan to the wedding present list He decided to put those who brought the biggest items nearest the front, and work back from there…So [pause and look around at the back&amp say] [_________ ] JIM and JAQS wanted to say thanks for the oven glove! .[pause]
Now I would like to offer you my martial advice, I'm not sure I'm the best person to dish out advice! But I do have a 3 important pieces of wisdom for the happy couple.
Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who is the boss: Then do everything JAQS says. .[pause]
Second: Always remember to tell your wife those three important little words [pause] ‘You're right dear’. .[pause]
and Thirdly: A happy marriage is a matter of give and take – the husband gives and the wife takes. .[pause]
Also it is very important to get on with your mother in law, a friend of mine hasn`t spoken to his in two years, not because he doesn`t like her, he just doesn`t like to interrupt her!
One of my last duties before I toast the happy couple is to read a few cards of congratulations for your special day
[Read close Family cards and absent persons messages –then funnies]
JIM we will miss you – from all the girls of the fantasy lounge lap dancing club
Dear JIM, hope you have made the right decision, I`ll always remember the long, lovely evenings we spent around my swimming pool, all my love, Michael Barrymore.
To JIM &amp JAQS- hope you had a great day-I am over the moon for you both:-from Neil Armstrong
I'm sure you're bored with the sound of my voice by now so I would like to finish up by saying what a great honour it`s been to be JIMS best man today, and to you both I would like to quote a old traditional Irish blessing
may your blessings outnumber the shamrocks that grow
and may trouble avoid you wherever you go
So then, Ladies and Gentleman, it gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to be upstanding and raise your glasses in a toast to the new MR &amp MRS ________ ,JIM &amp JAQS, we wish them well for the future, and may they enjoy a long and happy marriage.
Sl&#225inte! [ irsh toast -To pronounce it, slur the words &quotIt's a lawn chair]