Speech by Mike Clarke

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mike Clarke
Speech Date: sep2002
Can everyone hear me at the back? If you're going, can you make mine a large scotch?

I'd like to start off by thanking Oliver for his well-rehearsed words. Not those just now – I mean the ones last year on the balcony of the hotel overlooking St. Michael's Mount. I know he is delighted they ultimately brought Lisa to xxxxxxxxxxxxx here today, and got me the day off work!

For those who don't know me, I'm Mike, and I'm proud to be Oliver's Best Man here today. Actually, I'm not going to speak for long today on account of my throat – if I say the wrong things, Oliver's going to throttle me! So please do excuse me if I appear nervous – this is not the first time today I've got up from a warm seat with a few sheets of paper in my hand…

Now before you get too comfortable, you should know that I am actually a man of relatively few words – a teacher once said of me, paraphrasing Joseph Chamberlain, “he does not hesitate to use one syllable where eleven good English words would do”, and it's probably with that in mind that Oliver asked me to perform this role. I'm sure that by the time I've finished you'll be thinking what a lengthy speech Oliver's was in comparison!

So, if you'd take your glasses and join me (pause) it'll help fill the time…

Thinking about it, that must be the reason why Oliver landed me with this *cough* great honour. After all, you're supposed to ‘choose a Best Man who is resourceful, energetic and diplomatic and not likely to offend or create problems’. As those obviously don't apply here I'm guessing the fact that I can keep a secret is probably the key to it. Don't worry Ol, they'll wheedle the information out of the Devon & Cornwall Constabulary before they get a peep out of me.

Oliver and I actually go back quite a while now. I didn't have the privilege of knowing him at school, but I have his account of those years. Apparently he was a gifted student and he excelled in everything he did be it sports, academics or the arts, only leaving college when ‘they couldn't teach him any more’. Now initially I put that down to an inflated ego, but curiously enough, my uncle happens to have been the Principal of the College at the time, and when I asked him about Oliver's leaving, his words were actually exactly the same – ‘we simply couldn't teach him any more’, so it just goes to show you how naturally modest Oliver is…

My brother Antony introduced me to Oliver as they both started at College together. I met Oliver when Ant suggested that we all go in my car to the pub (so that makes Oliver at least 18 at the time – not!), and I was immediately impressed with what an agreeable young man he was – I was a bit short so I offered to sell him a copy of a rare Yxx CD (ironically enough) that he didn't have, and he agreed! I should think more about what I'm saying really, shouldn't I, bearing in mind present company! It's OK Rick, Steve, it wasn't a criticism! I had two copies, and I still play the other!

Anyway, Oliver and I got on like a house on fire straightaway, and certainly in the early days consumed enough falling-over water between us to start several domestic blazes. We both share a passion for music, the same type of music more to the point, and his keyboard skills, if not legendary just yet, certainly inspired me – inspired me to quit that instrument at least – I can't follow him!

He's a driven young man, and by that I don't mean that they've taken his licence away, not yet anyway. He's intelligent, witty, charming, and (squinting) something else too, but sorry buddy, I can't read your writing. Personally I've always admired his passion, skill and creativity – what you told that policeman that time was inspired, but oh yeah, I said I wouldn't go into that.

The other thing I told Oliver I would not mention was past history, but I want to mention one event, as this example illustrates his creativity, skill and passion as well as his sensitivity. I see him squirming there, but before you have palpitations Ol, this is about ‘Selene’ – remember?

I remember popping back to his flat one day after having been out for a bit, and he opened the door with a wild, devastated look in his eyes. He was muttering under his breath, most of which is unrepeatable to this audience, but I remember thinking ‘Oh golly – this is bad.’ I got him to tell me about it and when he'd calmed down a bit (and wiped his red-rimmed eyes), he started with ‘all I did was go and make the coffee!’ I correctly guessed the worst – Selene had left him for good. He told me what happened – he had put the kettle on to make coffee, but in so doing had used the last of the electricity in the meter and all the power had gone off, lights, synths, shower, computer, everything. And he had forgotten to Take Precautions (wave floppy disk). Yes, you've guessed it – ‘Selene’ was a beautiful, stunning piece of music of his own creation. He'd played it to me before I left earlier and I remember being impressed. But now eight hours of work was gone forever and he hadn't saved it or recorded it, and I'd gone home.

You see we come at music from different, complementary, directions – Oliver the musician, me the technician, which means that I have been in the privileged position of being able to work closely with him on his sterling musical career so far as well as call him my friend.

More than that, Oliver has always been there for me when I needed him. When I was having a bad time at work, he was there, when I crashed my car, he was there, when my own relationships have been on the rocks, he was there. In fact he was there for all the tough times I've had over the past dozen years or so. Oliver, I don't know how to tell you this, but mate, you don't half bring me bad luck!

Seriously though, I haven't known Lisa (Lee) for long in comparison, but they say your true friends, the ones who will drop whatever they are doing to help you out of difficulty as well as share the good times with you, the ones you count on, you can count them on the fingers of one hand. I'm fortunate enough to be able to count both Oliver and Lisa among my true friends.

And I've needed them in the past, even if it is just to go round for a bit of psychology, or to eat them out of house and home. (If it weren't for their hospitality, I'd still be an 8 stone weakling!) Oliver actually put me down on his last tax return as a deductible expense, which was nice (I think?).

Since Oliver and Lisa have been together, she must have inspired him, because he's been annoyingly successful. Successful enough to quit the job at the bank and become a professional musician, successful enough to have released three CD's and embark on four more, one of which is his biggest commercial project yet, and successful enough to have publishers and companies chasing him for material rather than him hassling them for work. And be published as a successful graphic designer to boot! You've come a long way since then my friend!

I think now is an appropriate time to raise a toast to the two most important people here today. The people we all feel a great affection for and without whom today wouldn't be possible. At some stage in the evening I'm sure we will all be sharing with them our thoughts from this special day and giving them our love and best wishes. Therefore I would like to propose a toast to… (pause) the Bar Staff.

Ol, this is indeed the happiest day of your life, well at least that's what Lee told me earlier! And so it should be, for you have just married a beautiful, intelligent, talented and exceptional woman, who's also a great cook… That's really handy, because with your culinary skills… Actually, that's an injustice – you're a great cook, as anyone who's had one of your ‘specials’ will testify (Pot Noodle Lid).

Lee, well, what more can I say – you've just married him! (picture of Oliver, very drunk and looking very silly).

Before I forget, there are two things you learn about young Oliver when you get to know him. The first is – he doesn't like surprises, and the second is, never call him Ollie, ever! Bad move! Therefore, I think it's highly ironic these two got together, and high time we finally toasted Ol and Lee, don't you?

I started planning this speech 9 months ago, and you must all feel like I've been delivering it equally as long, but now it gives me immense pleasure (not to mention relief) to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast for Oliver and Lisa, Mr and Mrs Wxxxxxx no less, who deserve to be here with each other today (and I do mean that in the nicest possible way). I think they were made for each other:

May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever.

To the Bride and Groom's Future Happiness.

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