Speech by Mike Clover

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mike Clover
Speech Date: Nov 2001
Good afternoon Ladies, Gentlemen, Boys and Girls.
My name is Mike Wouldyoulikeadrink. Please feel free to say hello and call me by my full name later on. It is my honour to be Best Man today.

Vicki, can I just say you look absolutely stunning, Kev, you look absolutely stunned.
Those of you here that have been Best Man before will have some idea of what it feels like up here, for the rest of you, I think the best way to describe it is rather like being asked to snog the Queen Mother, Its a great honour but nobody wants to do it.

Having said that, I think I have succeeded in my 1st duties today, which were to get Kev to the church, firstly on time…a rarety, secondly, sober…unusual, and thirdly, smart…which is unheard of.

Before I forget, I must thank the Bridesmaids, who are all looking beautiful and carrying out their duties so well.
I would also like to thank Libby & Wayne for the excellant catering and a big thank you to Emma who did a fantastic job of making the dress, and last but by no means least, Wendy who made the cake.
I would also like to thank all those who have travelled down from up North today, (no wonder I could`nt get to the bar earlier), and of course it is wonderful to see Vicki`s mum here from hospital.

When Kev asked me to be Best Man, I went out and got a book on the subject. I got as far as Page 13 which read, "maintaining a clear head during the wedding celebrations is vital for the Best Man, you should remain sober at all times" I threw the book away.
During my research I looked into the 3 key elements of the wedding day,
The Aisle – its the longest walk you will ever take
The Alter – the place where 2 become 1
The Hymn – the celebration of the marraige
I think Vicki may have read the same book, because as she took her place beside Kev today, I am sure I heard her whispering Aisle Alter Hymn, Aisle Alter Hymn.

I guess I have always been a forward thinker, I new the Cold War would end, that Nelson Mandela would be freed one day, and that the Berlin Wall would fall, but I never thought Kev would get married.
I recall years ago him saying he would never marry, but if he did he would marry someone with small feet, why small feet i asked, so she can get closer to the kitchen sink he replied.

Having grown up together, me and Kev have been through alot. I remember when I broke my leg, Kev was there, when I collided with a lorry and smashed my bike up, Kev was there, and when I got bitten by a dog, Kev was there. In fact, thinking about it, your a bloody jinx Kev.

Kev was telling me he intended to love and nurture his marraige the same way he does with his beloved cricket. He says he is going in fully commited, plans to score every week, change ends regularly and play half the season away from home, which Vicki says is a surefire way of getting a serous groin injury.

Normally, at this point of the proceedings, I would have to tell you all a story about Kev designed to humiliate him. Unfortunately, every story I know about Kev is X rated and unsuitable for a family wedding. In any case, what can I say about him that hasn`t already appeared in an episode of The Jerry Springer Show.

So instead I thought It would be an idea to pass on some advice to keep the marraige running smoothly.
– Remember, marraige is more than an 8 letter word, Its a sentance, you get less for murder.
– There are 3 rings in a marraige:- The wedding ring
:- The suffer ring
:- and The endu ring
– If you buy her flowers, she knows your guilty, and she will remember to the second the last time you bought her any.
– The best way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forger it once
– and finally, never forget these three magic words, YOUR RIGHT DEAR.

I hope Vicky will get used to Kevs eating habits, after all his idea of a balanced diet is a Big Mac in each hand.
I remember once we were in a Pizza Restaurant and the waiter asked Kev if he wanted his Pizza cut into 4 or 8 peices, Kev replied "4 please, I dont think I could eat 8".

I would just like to say to Kev, your a very lucky guy marrying Vicky, she deserves a good husband, shame you got to her before she had a chance to find one.

On a more serious note, Kev has been a great mate to me over the years, we are like brothers, and have had some excellant times together and I hope we will continue to do so in the future, It is an honour to be your best man.

Finally, on behalf of the Bride and Groom, I would like to thank you all for sharing their day.
Now I have a few cards to read,

"To Kev, we could have been so good together, love Kylie Minogue"

"To Vicki, we could have been so good together, love Martina Navratilova"

"To Kev, from all at Madame Thrashards spanking parlour, we hope you have a great day. PS we have received your annual subscription cheque, with thanks"

"From Grampound Road Cricket Club, we have found Kev to be useless in every position, hope Vicki has more luck"

It gives ne immense pleasure to invite you all to raise your glasses in a toast to Kev and Vicki, The Bride and Groom