Speech by Mike Denton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mike Denton
Speech Date: Dec 2008
Ladies and Gentlemen

Its time for me to make a speech now, and quite frankly theres not a lot you can do about that I have to tell you that to be asked to act as one of the best men today is a great privilage and bloody inconvenient.
Revenge however is a dish best served cold, and as it is now some 6 years since Mark was my best man, during which he took the opportunity to make lots of cheap jokes at my expense, I am at last able to return the compliment.
So…
Mark Stevens …… Where to start..
Mark is not an easy man to ignore,but if you possibly can,its well worth the effort
Now I””m probably in a better position than most to pay tribute to the groom. I””ve stuck with him through thick and thin, mostly THICK it has to be said.
One thing that unites all of Marks friends here today is that he has signed off all of our passport applications. For those of you that don””t know, a passport application form needs to be countersigned by a barrister, judge, nun or someone of standing in the community. So ironically Mark appears to be the most responsible person we all know.

Statisctically thats quite phenominal!
I mean look at him…
He may LOOK Stupid
but that doesn””t mean he””s not
He was a very late developer.
at playschool he was different from the other 5 year olds, for starters he was 11.
He didn't even talk till he was nine years old. Someone switched off the TV in the middle of The Sweeney and he said OI!
By the time Marcus and I met him at Bedford school, aged 13.
he wasnt just falling behind,
he was getting lapped.
I remember once his parents asked the careers officer what they thought Mark would be when he left school He said about thirty five!
But as things turned out, it wasnt that bad…… and for as long as I can remember, Mark has been in the police, trying to get into the police, or doing something that would aid his long term goal of getting into the police.
In the early days this involved basic training and getting into shape.
Of course he was already in shape,
but for a copper, it was the wrong shape.

In desperation they sent him to a Gym. I would have liked to have seen that one personally After all this is a man whose idea of pumping Iron is lifting a knife, fork and spoon They also had him running about, well more like jogging about and you really have to take your hat off to him I mean lets be fair it””s not easy to jog when you””re eating a doughnut Oh yes, Mark has always watched his weight.
Well he cant really miss it,
its right out there in front of him
Anyway, against all the odds Mark was accepted into the police force and embarked on his career as a copper. One that I personally think he is ideally suited for, and to be honest, he is very good at.
In the early years his shift work meant he was able to work eight hours and sleep eight hours Trouble was, they were the same eight hours.
Now I know some of you may think Mark is lazy, but I think that is a little unfair…
Of course he””s heard that hard work never killed anyone…
But he””s taking no chances on being its first victim Luckily, now as a detective sargeant he has a team of PC””s to fetch his tea for him and the respect they have for him is awsome.
I mean
Around the police station this man is like God He””s rarely seen, he””s holier than thou, and if he does anything it””s considered a bloody miracle!
So.…
All these skills then have manifested themselves into the man we see before us, able to ratify a passport application with a single signature.
They have also helped develop his already keen and natural ability to consume alcohol.
Most of us know that he is a real pleasure to have a pint with, something I have personally done on thousands of occasions.
and he never has an unkind word to say about anyone mostly because he only talks about himself Now I am not saying he has a drink problem…
but he was in a right panic yesterday
when he lost the cork to his lunch
So this is the Mark we have all come to know and love, there he is, spending most of his time keeping our streets safe and sound, the rest of it keeping our public houses in business when into his life comes Linny.
Whilst preparing these few words I wracked my brains trying to remember first meeting Linny.
The truth is I really cant recall, all I do remember was noticing how happy Mark was and how natural a couple they seemed to be.
And it””s not surprising.
Linny has some remarkable qualities,
one of which, thank goodness – is a well developed sense of humour.
She””s a great sport. Linny can really take a joke – and today, in front of witnesses – she did.
So now Mark is married to a wonderful person Unfortunately Linny is not that Lucky It wouldnt be fair of me to let the difference in their ages pass un-noticed.
But really, he doesnt look forty one
Not any more
Which brings us up to date really
they are off tomorrow for their honeymoon in Thailand Now then A word of warning Linny as you””ll have to make a couple of allowances Firstly, at his age his back goes out more often than he does Secondly, On holidays Mark invariably suffers with Stomach trouble he can””t get his shorts over it God knows how he””s going to hold it in for two solid weeks

What am I sure of is that you make a perfect couple, united in every way except one perhaps Linny told me that she wants 6 children Mark told me that Linny wants a lot of things she is not going to get!

Being married myself I thought I would close by offering a little advice To Mark Remember that women are like a fine wine.
They start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind.
And then they turn full bodied with age, and eventually give you a splitting headache!
To Linny.
By Co-incidence men too are like a fine wine.
They start out like grapes.
And it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they turn into something you would like to have dinner with.
Finally and on a personal note, Mark you have been a fantastic friend to me over the years much much better than the other lads and it really is a great honour to be up here with Marcus today..
If I could ask you all to be upstanding please join Marcus and I in one more toast to the happy couple.
Mark and Linny