Speech by Mike Doyle

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mike Doyle
Speech Date: Mar2007
Hello Ladies &amp Gentlemen, My name is Mike, I'm Rob's older brother and I'm truly honoured that Rob's asked me to be his best man on this wonderful day.

On behalf of the Matron of Honour and the bridesmaids I'd like to thank Rob for his kind words and agree that Wendy, Eve and April did a great job today, looking gorgeous, elegant and keeping Rachel looking wonderful throughout the ceremony.

I'd also like to thank the Ushers for doing a great job too. They managed to get everyone sorted out, sitting down and also made sure no-one stood up when the vicar asked if anyone objected to the wedding.

Before I start my speech off, I feel it's my duty to dob Rachel in. At the start of the ceremony in the church when they were playing “Here Comes the Bride”? Well, Rachel was walking up the Aisle to the Alter, listening to the Hymn. She started singing along..… I heard the words – “Aisle Alter Hymn, I'll alter him, I'll alter, I'll alter, I'll alter him…” So to Rob's mates – [Point] – that rowdy looking bunch over there, you should make the most of him today – ‘cos he'll never be the same bloke again.

Speech

Right here we go then, eyes down for a full house. Sorry – that's my Saturday night job.

One of the main duties of the best man, besides embarrassing him, is to introduce you all to the groom. That's him there. Thank you. [Point at Rob and sit down] [Stand up] You're not getting away that easy. And to fill the speech with tales that'll make your hair curl and make his fall out, [Look at Rob] Looks like I'm just in time on that score. [Pause]. For example tales of his antics as a young lad – the marathon pub sessions and his uncanny ability to stagger home from most of them [Pause] His various rashes and where he caught them from.… [Pause]

Then, I wanted to tell you bloodcurdling tales about the stag night– the drunkenness, the fleshpots, the blue flashing lights, all that sort of thing. But.… as the court cases come up on Monday, I'm not allowed to.
If you're interested you can see me on Tuesday. You'll probably catch me in Winston Green prison. I'll be the one sharing a cell with Throat Slasher McGurk.

So, I decided to get some Romantic stuff, And with that in mind, I asked Rob what he wanted from the Marriage, and he said, “Lifelong love and happiness” I then asked Rachel the same question and her reply was “a Perky Copulator” [Pause – study notes closely]. Sorry! It's my bad handwriting, [pause] that should be “coffee percolator.”. Rob's fallen on his feet there, [pause] He's married everyman's Dream….a woman with an un-natural desire for Kitchen appliances. Sorts out the Birthday gift problems – Steam Irons, Toasters, Waffle makers – and knowing Rob, she'll never be disappointed in that department at least!.

My younger brother has always impressed me, right from the first time I saw him – Dudley Road Hospital Which has since changed its name to City Hospital – probably so ashamed of bringing him into the world they decided they needed an image makeover! It cost them a fortune, but they obviously thought it was worth every penny. [Pause].

There's a bit of an age gap between us. [Big Pause] which was a bit of a pain at times. Especially for me. One of his favourite tricks when we were kids in the same room alone was to pretend I was beating him up. He'd be screaming like a banshee, and then Mom would run in screaming like a banshee too and give me a cuff around the ear

When I was a teenager in prime snogging mode – I used to have this 7 year old following me around like a homing missile, seriously hampering my attempts to kiss my first semi serious girlfriend Denise. Now, Denise was a 14 year old blonde bombshell, big blue eyes – 6 foot four if she was an inch. [Pause] My favourite phrase to her at the time was “Denise, Can you lift me up?” [Pause] I still use that quite a lot actually.

[Pause] Anyway, we'd walk off hand in hand, he was right behind, we'd go a little faster, he'd go a little faster, we'd start to jog, and he'd start to jog. In the end we were virtually sprinting for England. We dodged behind a wall and flattened ourselves against it. I peeked around the corner, puffing and panting, no sign of him, I turned to tell Denise that we'd shook him off, and he was standing right there – scared the life out of me. [Pause] I still don't know how he managed that.
[Pause] Black Magic, Denise always reckoned, [pause] and she'd know. Then when he became a teenager, It was a chance for me to get my own back, so I gave him lots of advice on Pulling birds Which is why he's getting married today [Big Pause, then Stage Whisper ] at 39.

He's almost a war hero. He joined the Territorial Army, [pause] for about three weeks, but fortunately for Saddam and the Iraqi army the gulf war clashed with an all night party held at Zig-zags nightclub, so Rob resigned and missed out on his chance to win the Victoria Cross. [Pause] He did make the Sergeant Cross though – I can still hear him swearing down the phone when Rob explained why he couldn't make parade that Sunday morning.

Yeah, could carry on like that for hours, but lets get to the heart of it – how we all come to be here today.

Rachel saw Rob for the first time in a pub, and unluckily for her, it happened to be a very dark pub. [Pause] So of course she couldn't see what she was letting herself in for. She saw him swaying there in all his magnificence hanging onto the bar and then – he clocked her. Now, I don't suppose many of you have seen Rob when he puts on his pulling face, it's a cross between the hunchback of Notre Dame and Stanley Laurel……so naturally, Rachel made a run for it.

However, Cupid obviously hadn't got his quota in that day and hoping to make the numbers up fired one of his sharpest little darts at her, just as Rob swayed into the line of fire. The Love arrow bounced off his earring Gold plated brass – ٠.99 at Ratners in the summer sale, hit a three year old bottle of Campari behind the bar, fizzed through the barman's moustache lucky that – half an inch to the right and we'd have been here today celebrating the wedding of Rob and Hairy Kevin [Pause ] or Hairy Karen as he now likes to be called since his last visit to Thailand. [Pause] Anyway the arrow continued on its unerring flight and it finally caught up with Rachel halfway through the pub kitchen. It hit her in the vicinity of the meringues and the rest, as they say, is history.

All joking apart, My younger brother is one of the nicest people I know. He is honest and sincere and looks for the good in people. He is a great dad to Conor and that is reflected by the intense love that Conor has for his dad. Like everybody, he does have his moments, but when the chips are down and you need help, he'll be the first person in line to give you a hand. I really can't say anything closer to my heart than “I do love my brother.”

And on behalf of Mom &amp Dad, I'd like to welcome Rachel into our family. Every time I go to their house, I'll expect Mrs Doyle to be standing there in her Cardie, offering me tea – “ahhh..now, go-on, you will, you, will, you will, ahhh go-on, now”

Rob, You leave here today having gained a wife, who is warm, loving and caring. A woman who's beauty is only outshone by her inner radiance.

Rachel, You leave here today with……er, well a gorgeous dress and a bouquet of Flowers.

Cards:

“Dearest Rob. Your wife is such a lucky fella. Sorry I can't be with you on your big day but I shall fondly remember being held in your big, loving arms and the many romantic nights we had by the Pool. All the best from Michael Barrymore.

Rob is a supporter of the arts – “To our most loyal regular, Have a great day and don't spare the lash – All the girls at Madame Fifi's Spanking emporium.”

Sorry we can't make it today, but could you send us a photo of the bride and groom. Mounted if possible.

I think we'll pass on the rest.

Ladies and Gentlemen: my throat was very dry when I began this speech, and it's even drier now. I can think of no better remedy than to drink to the health, wealth and eternal happiness of the newlyweds.

So please raise your glasses to drink a toast…

To the new Mr &amp Mrs Doyle

May you live as long as you want
And never want as long as you live.

Slainte.