Speech by MIKE DUNN

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: MIKE DUNN
Speech Date: Sep2004
ARE YOU ALL HAVING A GOOD TIME? EXCELLENT, I HOPE YOUR ENJOYING THE DAY AS MUCH AS I WAS UNTIL A FEW SECONDS AGO.

BEFORE I GET INTO THIS, HAS ANYONE BEEN A BEST MAN BEFORE?

IS IT JUST ME OR IS EVERYONE THIS NERVOUS WHEN THEY DO THE SPEECH? IF TRUTH BE TOLD I'M AS NERVOUS AS A VIRGIN BRIDE, HEY JULIE….…

FIRST OF ALL ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF, I USUALLY GO BY THE NAME OF MIKE WOCH'YOURS AND PLEASE DON'T FORGET IF YOU SEE ME AT THE BAR JUST CALL OUT MY NAME AND I'LL ONLY BE TOO HAPPY TO EXCHANGE PLEASANTRIES WITH YOU.

NOW I'VE PROMISED STEVE AND JULIE THAT UNLIKE MOST TRADITIONAL BEST MAN SPEECHES THAT ARE FULL OF SEXUAL INNUENDO IF THERE IS ANYTHING SLIGHTLY RISQUÉ I'LL WHIP IT OUT IMMEDIATELY.

I WAS GOING TO RELATE SOME OF THE ESCAPADES WE GOT UP TO ON THE NEWCASTLE AND SOUTH SHIELDS STAG RUN, BUT ROB THREATENED TO DO TO ME WHAT HE WAS GOING TO DO THE TAXI DRIVER ON SATURDAY NIGHT SO I THOUGHT BETTER OF IT.

WHEN STEVE ASKED ME TO BE HIS BEST MAN I CAN'T BEGIN TELL YOU HOW PROUD I WAS AND WHAT AN HONOUR IT IS FULFIL THIS FUNCTION FOR HIM. I KNOW AT THIS POINT SOME BEST MEN MAKE A REMARK THAT BEING ASKED TO BE BEST MAN IS A BIT LIKE BEING ASKED TO MAKE LOVE TO THE QUEEN, IT'S A GREAT HONOUR BUT NO ONE REALLY WANTS TO DO IT, WELL I CAN ASSURE YOU IF THE QUEEN OFFERED ME ONCE AROUND THE COUNTERPANE I WOULD FEEL DUTY BOUND TO EXCEPT HER PROPOSAL.

ANYWAY I THOUGHT JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE I WOULD PREPARE THREE DIFFERENT SPEECHES FOR TODAY DEPENDING ON HOW THINGS WERE PANNING OUT,

(Use folding paper props)

1.UPSET BRIDES LOT
2.UPSET GROOMS LOT

IN THE END I DECIDED I MIGHT AS WELL GET HUNG AS WOLF RATHER THAN JUST AS A LAMB AND THOUGHT I WOULD GO WITH THIS ONE 3. UPSET EVERYONE.

FIRST OF ALL I'M SURE YOU WILL ALL AGREE WITH ME WHEN I SAY THAT JULIE LOOKS ONE IN A MILLION TODAY WHERE AS STEVE LOOKS, WELL, WON IN A RAFFLE.

NOW IF I MIGHT INVOLVE THE BRIDE AND GROOM A MOMENT, JULIE I WOULD LIKE YOU TO PLACE THE FLAT OF YOUR RIGHT HAND ON THE TABLE NEXT TO STEVE. NOW STEVE PLACE YOUR RIGHT HAND ON TOP OF JULIES. ENJOY THE MOMENT STEVE BECAUSE IT'S THE LAST TIME YOU'LL HAVE THE UPPER HAND.

SO, STARTING FROM THE VERY BEGINNING, STEVE WAS BORN IN SOUTH SHIELDS AT THE SOUTH TYNESIDE DISTRICT HOSPITAL ON THE 30TH AUGUST 1960. I DID TRY TO LINK THIS WITH SOME BIG WORLD EVENT BUT IT SEEMS THAT NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED THAT DAY … ALTHOUGH THE STAFF AT THE HOSPITAL STILL REFER TO THE DAY AS "MONKEY BIRTH FRIDAY”

HAVING SAID THAT NATIONAL SERVICE IN THE UK DID END IN 1960. SO WHAT DID STEVE DO? HE WENT OFF TO SOUTH AFRICA SO HE COULD DO IT THERE INSTEAD! TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH I THINK HE ENJOYED THE DISCIPLINE.

I REMEMBER MANY A TIME WHEN STEVE AND I WERE YOUNGER, WE DIDN'T ALWAYS GET ON. I REMEMBER TIMES WHERE I WOULD CALL STEVE A TWA’ TWIT, HE WOULD CALL ME A BA’ BAD PERSON, AND WE WOULD BOTH RUN HOME CRYING TO OUR MUMMIES! BUT SURE ENOUGH, THE NEXT DAY STEVE WOULD EMAIL ME FROM WORK AND WE WOULD MAKE UP!

SOME OF YOU MAY HAVE HEARD OF A FILM CALLED THE FULL MONTY, NOW FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVEN'T HEARD OF IT. IT FOLLOWS THE FATE OF A GROUP OF WORKERS IN THE MIDLANDS WHO ALL GET MADE REDUNDANT AND DECIDE TO BECOME MALE STRIPPERS TO MAKE ENDS MEET. NOW IT JUST SO HAPPENS WHILST STEVE, MYSELF AND OTHERS (WHO WILL REMAIN ANONYMOUS TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT) WERE ON HOLIDAY RECENTLY IN, RHODES RUMOR HAS THAT THERE WAS A ONE OFF SPECIAL APPEARANCE OF THE FULL MONTY GANG ON THE ISLAND AT LINDOS. I WOULD JUST LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT THE POLICE WERE NEVER INVOLVED, NO PAYMENTS WERE EVER RECEIVED, NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED DURING THE PERFORMANCE AND IT WAS PURE COINCIDENCE THAT TWO OF THE GENTLEMEN LOOKED A BIT LIKE STEVE AND MYSELF.

NOW ONE OF THE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN STEVE AND ME WHICH YOU WON'T KNOW ABOUT IS THAT WE ARE BOTH MARRIED TO MAIDS FROM THE WEST COUNTRY WHICH I THINK WARRANTS SOME COMMENT. NOW, I AM A GREAT FAN OF GIRLS FROM THE SOUTH WEST.

NOT ONLY ARE THEY INTELLIGENT, BEAUTIFUL, GENETICALLY PERFECT, GREAT MOTHERS, GREAT COOKS AND A TOTALLY BRILLIANT FU.. FRIEND. THEY ARE ALSO VERY GOOD AT WINNING ARGUMENTS. IN FACT THERE IS SOMETHING I NEED TO SAY HERE. I AM MARRIED TO THE LOVELY ROSE AND WE WILL BE CELEBRATING OUR SHRAPNEL ANNIVERSARY IN DECEMBER. YOU REALLY HAVEN'T LIVED, ABSOLUTELY HAVE NOT LIVED AT ALL UNLESS YOU'VE LOST AN ARGUMENT WITH A GIRL FROM THE WEST COUNTRY AND OVER THE LAST NIGH ON TWENTY FIVE YEARS I CAN SAY THAT I'VE LIVED LIFE TO THE ABSOLUTE FULL AND I'M SURE STEVE WILL FEEL THE SAME IN THE COMING YEARS.

STEVE AND JULIE MET IN 1992 IN KAVOS GREECE AND LOVE BLOSSOMED OVER THE OUZO “WHO SAYS HOLIDAY ROMANCES DON'T LAST? I THINK THE TRICK IS TO STAY DRUNK UNTIL YOU COME HOME. AFTER THE HOLIDAY STEVE CAME DOWN TO PLYMOUTH FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKENDS AND ON THE SECOND ONE STAYED IN PLYMOUTH. NOW THAT WAS TWELVE YEARS AGO AND I HOPE YOU'VE BOTH SOBERED UP SINCE THEN.

AS WE ARE IN A GOLF SETTING I GUESS A WORD ABOUT STEVE'S GOLFING PROWESS SHOULD BE IN ORDER. NOW THOSE OF YOU WHO UNDER STAND THE HANDICAP SYSTEM IN GOLF WILL REALISE WHY STEVE IS MORE FONDLY KNOWN IN THE CLUB AS EL BANDITO IN FACT THERE WAS TALK OF PUTTING A HITCHING RAIL OUT SIDE FOR HIS HORSE!

NOW I KNOW STEVE WILL BE EMBARRASSED BY THIS BUT I FEEL I SHOULD REVEAL TO YOU WHAT A TRULY NICE GUY HE REALLY IS, JUST THE OTHER DAY HE SHOWED GREAT CONCERN FOR ANOTHER MEMBER OF THE CLUB HERE. WE WERE JUST WALKING UP TO THE FIRST TEE WHEN A LADY MEMBER LOOKING VERY ANGUISHED WAS WALKING BACK TO THE CHANGING ROOMS, STEVE ASKED WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS AND SHE SAID SHE HAD BEEN STUNG BY A BEE. O'DEAR SAYS I, WHERE TOO, SHE REPLIED BETWEEN THE FIRST AND SECOND HOLE. STEVE QUICK AS A FLASH SAYS, YOUR STANCE IS FAR TOO WIDE AND YOU'LL NEVER GET A PLASTER TO STICK THERE!

ADVICE:

FOR ANY NEWLYWEDS, PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS QUICK TO GIVE ADVICE AND TODAY IS NO DIFFERENT.

AS YOU ARE BOTH LOOKING LOVINGLY INTO EACH OTHERS EYES TODAY REMEMBER STEVE, IN 6 MONTHS TIME WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING AT YOUR MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE, I CAN ASSURE YOU MATE, THERE'S NO LOOP HOLES IN THERE, BELIEVE ME!

SO LIVE EACH DAY AS IF IT WERE YOUR LAST…AND EACH NIGHT AS IF IT WERE YOUR FIRST

JULIE, PLEASE BEAR IN MIND THAT STEVE IS AN ORDINARY BLOKE; HE OWNS 4 PAIRS OF SHOES. DON'T EXPECT HIM TO BE ANY GOOD AT CHOOSING WHICH OF YOUR 35 PAIRS WOULD LOOK BEST WITH YOUR DRESS.

IT JUST REMAINS FOR ME TO POINT OUT THE REASON MARRIED WOMEN ARE ALWAYS HEAVIER THAN SINGLE WOMEN. THIS IS BECAUSE SINGLE WOMEN COME HOME, LOOK AT WHAT'S IN THE FRIDGE AND GO TO BED. MARRIED WOMEN COME HOME, SEE WHAT'S IN THE BED AND GO TO THE FRIDGE.

CLOSE

SERIOUSLY THOUGH, ON A MORE SINCERE NOTE, I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO SAY THAT; STEVE AND JULIE, WE ALL WISH YOU ALL THE HAPPINESS AND LUCK IN THE WORLD AND EVERY SUCCESS IN THIS NEW CHAPTER OF YOUR LIVES. SO LADIES AND GENTLEMAN WILL YOU PLEASE BE UPSTANDING AND RAISE YOUR GLASSES AND JOIN ME IN A TOAST TO THE NEW MR AND MRS ERRINGTON……STEVE & JULIE!

MIKE DUNN.

THANK GOODNESS THAT'S OVER!