Speech by Mike Essex

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mike Essex
Speech Date: Oct 2001
Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Mark for his kind words, and I have to say they have done an excellent job today and look absolutely wonderful.

Its good to recognise some familiar faces here today – In particular Dave Oldfield – are you here Dave?! – I'd be careful if you are on the table with Dave because last time we all saw Dave was at the Stag do where he proceeded to have 2 glasses of wine with his meal, then was sick in the next pub we went to, got a taxi back to the Hotel, was sick on his shirt in the taxi and then took his shirt off, wandered into reception and then was sick into his shirt – here we go Dave – a little present for you to save some laundry bills! (bring out a sick bag)

When Mark asked me to be best man I had a range of emotions, initially I was honoured to have been his first choice (pause) – that was until I found out later that I was actually second choice. His first choice of Best Man was a guy called John he used to live with (pause) purely on a friends basis I am told..… Apparently as soon as John heard he was to be Best Man they had a big bust up, John moved out and he was never to be seen again…..shame because I have been looking for him ever since to do this speech!! Anyway, I thought if John could get out of it, what could I do.… so I went and played football 4 weeks ago and deliberately broke my ankle – unfortunately you can still do a speech with a broken ankle according to Mark, showing the sympathetic side of his nature. Hurt Like Buggery so Mark tells me,….… I wouldn't know

Once I realised I couldn't get out of the speech, I looked up what a Best Mans duties were ………they say that the best man should be "energetic and resourceful" – I certainly don't feel energetic (hold up crutch) and the failure of me to get a stripper for Marks stag do shows my lack of resourcefulness – in fact that is precisely why Mark thought of me.

Mark began life in 1973, so I took the opportunity to see what else happened that year – it was actually the year that the disposable lighter was invented, not significant at the time but the lighter was to become one of Marks closest friends along with Mr Benson and Mr Hedges – he is rarely seen without them today.

I first met Mark at School when we were both 11 yrs old. Looking back, Mark actually didn't look that different back then, similar height, still about 9 stone although I don't think he had the same amount of grey hairs that he does today…….no offence Nicola. Mark had a glittering academic record, so much so that his Mum wanted to share with me a couple of old school reports:

Woodwork – "Mark could do better – he has great difficulty distinguishing between inches and millimetres" – a problem he still has today so Nicola tells me

Religious Education – "Marks understanding of Christianity is very poor – so much so that he thinks the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins"

His sporting achievements at school are nothing to be sniffed at – he was a seriously gifted athlete, representing the school for Cricket and football – perhaps his greatest achievement was representing Wolverhampton under 13’s in that well known Olympic event – "Who can throw the cricket ball the furthest". Marks legendary sporting ability carried on into University where he abandoned all his other sports for his latest passions – darts….and drinking.

It was at Leicester Uni that Mark first met Nicola. Nicola had just been dumped by a previous boyfriend – (believe it or not) – and she was on the hunt for a new man – one of her friends pointed to a wall which had hundreds of photos of friends on and asked Nicola to pick a bloke out. Unbelievably she picked out Mark! Mark assures me that he wasn't the only male in the photo collection!

They then got fixed up on a blind date and this went ok but this didn't seem to set the sparks flying. Mark had obviously not impressed Nicola because 2 days later he went to his local pub where he saw her on another blind date! He had his usual 14 piints on a quiet night and began drawing up a plan of action. They then left and he ingeniously decided to stalk both of them into the town centre, ducking into doorways when they looked round at this strange skinny man following them. He followed them into a night club and waited patiently by the girls toilets for an opening. When Blind Date no 2 went to the bar, and Nicola at the same time went to the go to the toilets, Mark, by now fuelled with plenty of Dutch courage decided to approach Nicola. He was never one for the best chat up lines but the one he came out with that night should never be told again. He said to her – "mmmmm you look snoggable". (3 min) Nicola must have been blind drunk as well, or just blind, and she said "thanks" and that was the night of their first kiss……..aaahhhh. And the rest, as they say is history..…

I would like to finish off my speech by saying a few things about Mark himself. Over the 16 years that I have known Mark he has become a great friend; he's a very generous, kind and supportive young man – we have had our share of scrapes and experiences (he even survived working for my dad for 3 months) together and somehow we have come through them – and Mark has come through to be here today with a beautiful wife.

So to wrap up, I think it is at this point that I am, as best man, meant to offer some advice to Mark for his future marriage. Since my longest relationship has only ever been 3 months I don't feel entirely qualified to dispense of any. What I will say is that Mark has been a great friend of mine for many years, I have had the pleasure of knowing Nicola for the last few years and I think they make a wonderful couple. Please could you join me in toasting the new Mr and Mrs P…….!