Speech by Mike Hammer

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mike Hammer
Speech Date: Oct2004
Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids D, L and S, I would like to thank R for his kind words and gifts.

I would also like to thank P and J for doing such a stirling job as Ushers.

I would also like to compliment H on how stunning she looks today. A gorgeous bride if ever I saw one.

R, its also great to see you in a pair of trousers as H normally wears those of course.

When I first wrote this speech, I was unaware that I had been the subject of a practical joke by the bride & groom for the past 6 months. Luckily for them I haven't had much time to make many amendments, but one or two lines have come back from the cutting room floor however!

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Mike and I am really honoured to be R's best man. Actually I think the main reason that R asked me to be his best man was to make himself look better in the photographs.

When researching how long the best mans speech should last, I was told it should only last as long as it takes the groom to make love, ….so thank you and goodnight!

Apparently, the key to finding a best man is to find someone who is resourceful, energetic and diplomatic, someone who will not offend anyone, or create any problems. As you are about to find out, R is an appalling judge of character.

However, clearly H is not. Within days of R asking me to be his best man, she presented me with this book, Etiquette For Men, a book of modern manners and customs. She had even helpfully detailed a list of page numbers that I should pay special attention to.

Not unnaturally, I turned to page 82 – duties of the best man. To quote directly, ‘maintaining a clear head during the wedding celebrations is vital for the best man. You should remain sober.’ I can assure you that is as far as I read! (Throw book away – drink beer!)

However, I believe that my 3 main responsibilities for today are

To ensure that the groom arrives on time
Is sober
and looks good

Well 2 out of 3 isn't bad. After all I am the best man, not a plastic surgeon.

Well, 9 April 1965 was the date that R was born, he was very nearly called Friday as B took one look at him and said to D – right that's it, lets call it a day!

Actually, D did tell me that R was an unusual baby, – she said she didn't get morning sickness until after he was born.

When I first met Rs's parents, they said to me all they wanted from a son was that he was

Witty and handsome
Kind and intelligent
Sporty and well groomed
And most of all nice to his Mum

And on this most special of days, with my hand on my heart, I can truly say that P has really done you proud. (R's brother).

So, what can I say about R? Or perhaps I should say what can I say about R that wont get him and me into too much trouble. Because as R has kindly pointed out to me, anything dodgy he was involved in, I was almost certainly involved too! There are loads of stories I could relate from our 18 odd years of friendship, but alas not many are suitable material for a gathering such as this.

Anyway I believe I am supposed to stand here and praise the groom, so here goes, R is handsome, witty, intelligent, charming, er, sorry R I cant read your writing, it's all in scribbly crayon. Sorry, I'll have to use my own notes.

One of the things that a best man is also supposed to do apparently is carry a chequebook to pay any bills or fees that the groom may have overlooked. I deliberately left my chequebook at home, as knowing R as I do, I would end up paying for the reception, disco & everything else!!

Anyone who knows R, or who has had the misfortune to visit a bar with him will know that he is tight. R prefers the word frugal, but no he is tight. In fact the last time R bought a round of drinks, we were all so astonished, that we had the money framed and here it is. The younger ones amongst you won't recognise this, as this money was used before the UK went decimal. (Hold up framed pre decimal money.)

Let me give you another example, R and H don't own a DVD player because R is concerned about technology changing & wasting his money. He is worried about the DVD going the same way as Betamax video recorders! I cant bear it any more R, so H here is your wedding present, 1 DVD player!

Another area where R is renowned is his lack of ability to retain his beer. Over the years I have shared many rooms with R, & one thing I have learnt is that you don't need to pack an alarm clock. You can guarantee that somewhen between 7 & 9 in the morning, you will be woken up by awful coughing and retching sounds from the bathroom as R christens yet another set of porcelain. He's not fussy either; he is equally fond of toilet, sink or bath. He has decorated bathrooms all over the UK & Europe. I'm pleased to say that he maintained this form on his stag night last Saturday. He has absolutely no recollection of how he got home at all. He does remember however spending most of the night in his favourite room slumped over the bath.

Another highly successful area for R is his pursuit of women. I have never met anyone so clueless when it comes to dating the fairer sex as R. He is to dating, what Eddie the Eagle is to Ski jumping. A woman could have a flashing neon sign on her head saying, R I fancy you, and R would still miss the signal.

When he does fancy someone, he takes months to ask them out. It took him four months to ask H out, and that was quick by his standards. Four months!!! This was despite several people telling R that H was interested.

When he finally does get a date, things don't get any better. On one first date, he took some poor hapless girl to a country pub. He ordered the drinks, sat down & then bludgeoned his pint all over himself and the poor girl. He then proceeded to tread on and smash the pint glass for good measure. To make matters worse, the pub dog slept exactly where he smashed the glass and the Landlady moved them to the next table and spent the next 20 mins hoovering up the glass, clucking loudly and casting death stares in their direction. That relationship didn't last long!

I am certainly not surprised that R reached 39 before getting married!

Another reason that R isn't too successful with the ladies is the astonishingly poor chat up lines he comes up with. The worst one I can remember him actually using is – would you like to fly away on my magic carpet of desire. Unsurprisingly he went home alone that night too!

I can remember the first time that R told me he fancied H. We were sat in the Office canteen as we do most days, solving the England's left sided midfield problem. Suddenly R nudged me & said look there is the girl of my dreams.
Anyway, right behind that girl was H.

In that very same canteen a few weeks ago, I said to R, do you think Helen would mind if I touched on a bit of her sexual history in my speech. Without batting an eyelid, R looked up & said, you have only got 5 minutes mate!

I do think that B did a great job in summing up H. Having said that I couldn't let the opportunity pass without a brief comment of my own. We all know that R is so laid back its infuriating at times and that he needs someone to, how can I put this, point him in the right direction in life. H not only points him in the right direction in life, but also tells him what time to set off, where from, where to, how long for and makes sure he phones at least 3 times along the way!

In the last few days, R has understandably been a bit worried about the whole prospect of marriage. So I said to him you will look back on today as the happiest day of your life. I said that to him yesterday. (Keep up.) I tried to explain to him that marriage is all about the rings, the engagement ring, the wedding ring, the suffering, the torturing and the enduring.

It has been said by many that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. Anyone who believes this knows very little about women or fractions.

I also believe it is traditional for me to offer you some advice to help you through the coming years. So here goes:

Never go to bed angry – stay up and argue

Never forget those three little words – Your right H

For H I have the following advice:

Men are like fine wine, they start out like grapes and its your job to stamp on them until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

On the other hand R, women are like a fine wine, they start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating for the mind. Then they turn full-bodied, until they go vinegary and give you a headache.

I would like R and H to participate in the speech now. H please can I ask you to place your right hand flat on the table. R if you could place your left hand directly on top of H's. Enjoying that R? Make the most of it mate, as it is the last time you will have the upper hand.

Before I finish I just want to pay tribute to R. We have known each other for 18 years and in that time he has been a true friend. He is patient, loyal, understanding, discrete, supportive, fun, honest and a good, decent man. I have been through some difficult times over the years and R has always stood by in a calm, non-judgmental way. He is a fantastic listener and I couldn't wish for a better friend. He is the best friend a man could have. B & D should be very proud of him.

I am really delighted that R has found true happiness with H. H has also been a good friend to me over the last five years and I appreciate that too.

One thing people have told me is that you don't marry someone you can live with, you marry the person you cannot live without. This is obviously true for R and H, as you couldn't meet a nicer, more suited couple. I am sure that you would all like to join me in wishing them all the best for the future and hope they enjoy a long, happy and fruitful marriage.

So ladies and gentlemen it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses to – R and H.