Speech by Mike Harrison

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mike Harrison
Speech Date: Oct 2001
Ladies and Gentlemen: Boys and Girls.

Can you hear me at the back……yes….then order me a very large Gin &
Tonic please.…

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Mike Harrison, and I am Bens'Best man.

Please forgive me if I appear a little nervous this afternoon. I't because Iam. If the truth be known I'm a little terrified in making this speech. Thisis not the first time today I've risen from a warm seat with a piece of
paper in my hand.

Normal advice to overcome nerves dictates that the speaker imagines his
audience in there underwear, unfortunately Ben decided I'd be wearing a kilt (and wearing it properly) which makes the advice a little hard to follow.

Whist we are on the subject of kilt wearing, Ben was adamant that we'd do it properly, so this morning I duly checked that he was following his own
rules. It's my sad duty to inform you that he was letting himself and me
down when I found him wearing these. (wave thong to audience then throw to
Ben).

First of all, on behalf of the bridesmaids Lesley-Ann, Sarah & Leah, I'd
like to thank Ben for his kind words. Girls, you all look gorgeous and you
did a fine job getting Kerry to the church (almost on time).

Kerry, You make a fine bride, your beautiful and radiant and I don't think
I've seen you happier. Mind you folks she should look gorgeous, she's had
her hair done by Nicky Clark, her dress is by Versace, her foundation and
make up by B&Q. (Sorry…only joking)

It about six months ago that Ben asked me to be his best man. In
choosing me from his list of other friends, I understand from Kerry that Ben went through a long and rigorous selection process. He wanted someone:

· Loyal (yeah)
· Trustworthy (I'd like to think so);
· Reliable (well we both got here on time didn't we);
· Guaranteed not to embarrass him (Ah…).

Well…..(shrug) three out of four isn't too bad…

I think I've performed most of my duties as best man now. I got him to
church, made sure he was dressed and made sure he didn't get into any
trouble last night. In fact, last night I checked on him in his hotel room
and he was sleeping like a baby. He woke up every 2 hours crying for his
mummy.

Anyway, on with Bens’ character assassination.

It was 9th March 1967, Engelbert Humperdinck was number one with Release me
and Mrs Bryant followed the advice and brought William Peter Benjamin Pierce bouncing into this world.

Ben, you might not know this, but you share a birthday with Yuri Gagarin,
the famous Russian Cosmanout. It appears you've both spent some time off the planet during your lives.

Your parents were not stingy when it came to assigning names, in fact, I
heard your nametapes almost filled the circumference of your school
underpants.

I don't have much information regarding Bens’ early years. I know he was a
bit slow as a youngster. His parents weren't so much worried about him
falling behind at school, more with his being lapped by the other children.

He once asked his careers advisor what he'd be when he left school. I
believe the response was "about 35".

Very early on in Bens’ school life he decided to tread the boards and
begin to entertain the masses. The junior school was putting on a major
production of "Snow White & the seven dwarfs". Ben was cast as one of the
dwarfs and very soon he made the role his own. His performance around the
tiny school hall was astounding, it was as unreal to parents as children
alike. They could see a fictional character come to life in front of their
very eyes.

It was amazing really, and I wonder whether the teacher who cast him in the
role or Ben himself would ever realise what an impact playing such a
successful role as DOPEY would have on Bens’ young developing character.

I asked Bens’ family for some cute photographs to show everybody today.
There was one sweet one of Ben lying naked on a sheepskin rug eating a
chocolate biscuit and dribbling. I was going to show it today but it might
be too embarrassing for him as he's 21 at the time.

Now I'm not just going to stand here and make cheap jibes at Bens’ expense.
Let's face it, life is too short…..and so is Ben.

In fact upon leaving school Ben's first job was as a lumberjack in a Bansai
orchard.

I once had a long chat to Kerry and she told me she wanted a husband who was loyal, loving and someone she could look up to. Well 2 out of 3 isn't bad is it.

I don't know what he did after leaving the orchard but he was working for
Tesco when I first met the man we see sitting before us today.

He's now left there and works for some cowboy computer company in
Maidenhead. I spoke to some of his new work colleagues who informed me that
at work he is something of a god. He's rarely seen, holier than thou and if
he does any work it's a bloody miracle.

I think you'd all agree that this is a far cry from the young man we see
before us today. He has so many qualities, charm, brains, beauty are, sadly, the only ones missing.

For those of you who don't know, Ben is a great dancer. He has those skills
where rhythm and style are of no importance. You'll no doubt see many
examples of this later on this evening.

One of mine and Ben's favourite pastimes is snowboarding. A hobby Ben took
to like a duck to very hot water. He jumped straight in a burnt both feet.

Let me tell you there is very little on this planet more satisfying than
passing the smug little git on the slope when he's running out of momentum.

For those of you who don't know the story about how Ben & Kerry met. Whilst
at Tesco, Ben made several visits to their call centre in Dundee. On one of
these visits Kerry was handling a customer complaint that the man on the
deli counter was smirking whilst slicing the cheese she had ordered.

As Kerry replied, it was one of those moments when everything else went
quiet and the only words heard were the lovely bride saying "I always smirk when I cut cheese". For some reason this endeared Ben to Kerry and the rest is History.

On to the stag weekend.

For those who don't know the stag weekend was like an FA cup semi final with both home and away legs. The away leg was spent in the Spanish city of
Madrid where we took in the pleasures of many a tapas bar and museum. While
not giving too much away, we found ourselves outside of a dodgy looking bar
3 doors from our hotel at 2 o'clock in the morning.

Our hotel did not have it's own bar and a night cap was called for.

We were unsure about entering until Ben uttered the words, "What's the worst that can happen". Ben, we found out. It was a brothel frequented by
unattractive women with the kind of beards that Ben can only dream of. We
had the fastest Gin & Tonic in history and bade farewell to our new found
friends.

On a more serious note. Wasn't the wedding service great. The church was
wonderful and I found myself talking with the vicar before the ceremony. I
asked his opinion on sex before marriage. He said it was fine as long as it
didn't delay the service.

Actually a few weeks ago I asked Ben what he wanted from his marriage. He
said, " I want to be a model husband. I want to be a model citizen."
And, he added with a large grin, that he also wanted to be a model lover!!

Being the naïve chap that I am, I looked up "model" in the dictionary; it
said "a small, miniature replica of the real thing"!!!

Ben & Kerry have shared their lovely home in Hertfordshire for a while now.
Since Kerry moved in Ben has learned loyalty, self-restraint, control, a
sense of fair play, and many other fine qualities he wouldn't have needed if he had stayed single.

Before I finish I would like to offer some advice to you both:

Kerry – marriage begins when you sink into his arms and ends up with your
arms in his sink.

Also – if you think the way to a mans heart is through his stomach – you're
aiming too high.

Ben – Always remember those 3 little words that women love to hear – "you're right dear".

Also – never go to sleep on an argument – stay up and fight.

Finally, on a more serious note.

I'm sure Ben & Kerry would like to thank everyone for being here to share
this special day. I know a lot of people have travelled a long way to be
here and it means a lot for them both to have you all here today.

Telegrams (Agree with parents which to read).

Ben and Kerry, may you live a long as you like, and have all you like as
long as you live.

Ladies and gentleman would you please be upstanding.

Ladies and Gentlemen: please raise your glasses for,the new Mr & Mrs Bryant – The Bride and Groom.