Speech by Mike O’brien

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mike O’brien
Speech Date: Apr 2002
Firstly, I wood like to thank (the venue) for sitting me a couple of Seats away form N this afternoon!
Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids A, D and G I'd like to thank you N for your kind words and gifts all of which were all very much appreciated. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen for those who don't know me my name is M, and it is my great privilege to act as N's best man today. A girl like M deserves somebody who is good looking, generous, kind and considerate. Why she's married N I just do not know. I suppose that's why they say love is blind but marriage can be a real eye-opener.

Anyway I presume that you are all sitting there expecting me do go along the tried and tested best mans speech routine of re-counting a few dodgy moments from N's ever so colourful past. Ladies and gentlemen, I assure you I am not going to let you down!

I discovered N – or as he sometimes more affectionately known as Mummy's Little Soldier – approx 12 years ago in (place of work). At the time he was a rather spotty, thin, nerdy looking character, he wore large tinted glasses and he had his hair highlighted. He also wore Farah trousers, and the most disgusting shirt and tie combinations you could ever dream of. I think he must have taken some of his late eighties fashion tips from Cliff Richard. These days however I am pleased to say, the highlighted hair has gone.

N or as he is also sometimes known as ‘slide away’ due to his ability to simply disappear without a trace after an evenings drinking or when it's his round used to be a big hit with the ladies and I use the words used to be strongly.
I remember N bragging to me on several occasions that he once had two girls literally fighting in the street over him. N used to consider this a considerable boost to his ever increasing ego and even years after still brings this up in conversations when he thinks others need reminding of his popularity with members of the opposite sex.
I have to say though, throughout the years N many love interests have come and gone..either caught by the local dog warden, put down, or they've been found loving homes!

Whenever myself and N fancied a skive in work which if we could manage it would be between 9 and 5 we used to retire to what we call the store room. The storeroom was a large room filled from floor to ceiling with boxes and boxes of junk basically, stuff that nobody could find a home for. Whenever myself and N fancied a skive we would both make our way to the storeroom on the assumption that we were looking for some documents or simply just to tidy the place up. This storeroom used to be our refuge where we could chat undisturbed about our weekend conquests, the new female starters and general gossip. Theres the background…
One particular Monday morning I was sitting at my desk working very hard, When the telephone rang. It was N, the only thing he said to me was Storeroom…Now.
Realising N must be in some kind of distress I hastily made my way to the storeroom to answer my friend's urgent request.
Upon entering the storeroom I saw N's rather ashen face as he was obviously in some kind of distress, what's up I asked… You will never guess what has happened to me he proclaimed. What I said tell me..Somebody has sent me a dress he said in disgust!!!
I immediately had visions of a nice little black number with a plunging neckline and a very short hem. I thought N would be delighted as he had obviously acquired himself yet another admirer.
My imminent jealously quickly turned to bouts of laughter when N produced the dress from behind his back.
This dress was the most disgusting item of clothing I had ever seen in my life, it was a full length dress in the most awful green and brown colours I had ever seen, it looked as if it had been designed by Stevie Wonder and donated directly from the local nursing home. It also smelt of a combination of TCP a very dodgy perfume.
I said to N I know you like the older and more experienced type but I think you've gone to the extremes this time I told him. I think you had better give the Grafton (The ‘Grafton’ is a night-club in Liverpool renowned for attracting old slappers especially on Saturday nights) a miss for the next few weeks its having a very bad effect on you. To this day N still claims he knows absolutely nothing about that dress but I'm still not sure, lager can have a very strange effect on the brain I told him. (to N) Did you keep that dress????????

As most of you are all probably aware N has a particular interest in all things of a technical nature especially computers. Using both one for work and as we all know one for his many social interests including internet chat rooms!!!!!!. On one particular occasion, N and M had known each other for about 2 months when M had to attend a conference for work. This meant spending a night away from her beloved N. N obviously missing M very much decided to be romantic and so he sent her an e-mail to remind her of how much he loved her and telling her in no uncertain terms what he was going to do to her when she came home!!!!! All very romantic you may think..but unfortunately N sent it to M's dad T instead!!!!!!!!!!…..Things would have been ok if T hadn't responded saying that he felt the same way about N!!!! … I have to point out that last bit about T E-mailing N was a lie….He phoned him!!!!!!!!!!!

In time-honoured tradition and as my duty as N's best man it was my job to organise the stag night. I decided to organise a weekend away in the historical town of Edinburgh, well it seemed a good idea at the time. I have to say though, the weekend passed away fairly uneventfully really.. its amazing what I will say for 50quid!!! Isn't it N! What we did find out about N though is that has a special interest in Long haired tattooed bikers and also Travel Lodge receptionists!!!! I don't really want to say anymore on that subject, I think probably better left for N to explain to M in more detail later on…Finally, Contrary to what N may tell you of his stag night I can guarantee the you the only thing which he brought back to his room was an ironing board from reception after I had told him it looked as if he had ironed his shirt with a slipper!!!!!

Anyway that's all I've got to say about N, and I think that's probably just enough, just one final thought though.. is'int funny the way history repeats itself.… I mean it was probably about 29 years ago that M 1st went to bed with a dummy!!!!!

On a serious note though Ive now known N for about 13 years and in that time he's always been a very loyal and good friend to me and I sincerely wish him and His new bride M all the very best for their future together.

I now have some cards I would like to read out..…

Final card is an urgent telemessage!!!!!.. and it reads to N congratulations on your Wedding to M today, your sense of style has been a constant inspiration to me throughout my career, Signed H from steps.

The final thing left for me to do now is to propose a toast to the newly weds, so if you would please be upstanding..on behalf of everyone here today, and absent family and friends we wish you all the very best in health and happiness for your future together, and lets hope we can all be here for you golden wedding!!!! N and M.. Next….RELAX and CHILL!!!