Speech by Mike Ralph

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mike Ralph
Speech Date: aug 2002
Good afternoon ladies and gentleman. When researching how long the best mans speech should last I was told it should only be as long as it takes for the groom to make love. … Thank you and good night! [GO TO SIT DOWN]

[IM NOT CONTINUING UNTIL I HEAR ANY LAUGHTER, IT WAS ACTUALLY A FAIR STATEMENT ACCORDING TO BOBBY]

[Only kidding], first of all I would like to welcome you to Chris and Bobby's wedding reception. I would like to thank you all for attending and being a part of Chris and Bobby's special day today.

Second of all, I would also like to thank www.hitched.co.uk for providing the speech that I have prepared today. When reading through the hundreds of speeches that people have published on this website you would be amazed how much plagiarism has been made, but at least I have referenced my sources. So, if you feel that the jokes are a bit lame and I can assure you that they are, please feel free to email this website.

Some people get myself and Chris mixed up in terms of likeness, don't know how as I am the better looking one. Still we all make mistakes. So I suppose I ought to introduce myself. If you haven't guessed already, I am the best man and for those who don't know me, I'm Paul (well last time I checked I was). I am also otherwise known as "Paul, can I buy you a drink?"

Please feel free to come up and talk to me later this evening, I will be around the bar area and hopefully not passed out on the floor as the most of us was on Chris's stag night. A stag night that I will certainly not forget. It was the first time that I saw Chris dance! Or was it the excessive drinking that was swaying him. Who could tell? I'm sure we will find out later during Chris and Bobby's first dance, no pressure there Chris. Just keep an eye on the feet and see if they move.

It is a great honour to be Chris's best man today although not an easy job for anyone as I have found out. But he promised me that if I do a good job today then he'd let me be best man again at his next wedding, so I really couldn't say no!

One of my jobs as best man was to ensure that Chris was not himself today, which basically meant him being:

Fully and properly dressed
Organised and on time, rare
With enough money to get at least one round in, vary rare

However duty bound, I proceeded to investigate what this role entails in a book entitled "The best man's checklist" however, this only led to me being mystified by some of the things I was expected to do. Here are some:

First of all I was to help the groom dress – Thanks, but no thanks, we are certainly NOT that close.

Ensure that the groom uses the toilet – Nah! That was never going to happen.

Ensure that the groom's shoes are tied – Yep, I can check!

His face and hair are in order – Well, if God didn't put them in order the first time around, what hope do I have now?

Nothing is between his teeth (or should that be his ears?)

That his trouser files are done up (Hmmm, perhaps his Mum should have been best man!)

[TELEGRAMS AND MESSAGES]

I would like to take a couple of moments to read some messages that have been sent from friends and family.

[END TELEGRAMS AND MESSAGES]

Well, on to some serious bits. I first met Chris at Barking College back in 1995. We were students at the time and looking back on those days I remember Chris for being a very quiet yet an enthusiastic and well motivated person who committed himself to his studies. I'm sure those who have known Chris over the years will also remember him for his long hair. The famous long hair that he could never become detached from until the day he decided to go on a lad's holiday where he chopped it all off. A very sad moment for him, eh Chris? [TURN TO CHRIS]

We ended up going to University together . and still at University together and I should imagine that we will be there for the next 20 odd years!

As the years went on, we both turned to teaching and were fortunate enough to be given the opportunity to teach at the College where we first began. Our friendship continued to grow and everything we did such as winding people up would make us laugh, but obviously not to the people we wound up! Still, it was a bit fun and still continues to be. I have never seen Chris so happy in his life until the day he met Bobby, and from that moment onwards ..

He has become of somewhat a responsible man who has integrated himself into a loving family, with a beautiful and most loving wife who looks absolutely stunning in her beautiful dress today [TURN TO BOBBY] and of course with two adorable children, Holly and Connor [TURN TO CHILDREN] who look absolutely spectacular. Look after them well Dad! [TURN TO CHRIS]

Well, we are coming to the end and I hope I haven't bored you!

One thing people have told me is that you don't marry someone you can live with, you marry the person you can't live without. This is obviously true for Chris and Bobby as you couldn't meet a nicer and more suited couple.

So, please can you be upstanding and make one final toast to the future happiness of the bride and groom. So, here's to the bride and the groom..

Have a lovely evening and thank you.

[END OF SPEECH, THANK GOD ITS OVER!!!]