Speech by Mike Reed

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mike Reed
Speech Date: Sep2004
Distinguished Guests…..…
Those of Lesser Distinction and those of No Distinction At All…………
Family, Relatives, New and Old, In-laws and Outlaws……..…
Friends, Friends of Friends………
Freeloaders and hangers-on.
Welcome To Neil and Gemma's Wedding Reception.

For those lucky enough to not know me, I'm Michael and I have the honour and indeed privilege of being Neil's bestman.
…(Look and wink)……..alright Tony !?(Tony is our other brother)

I was thinking about FORNICATION….Sorry …FOR AN OCCASION such as this I would have to get up in front of many people to give a speech and also to try to say a few nice things about Neil …………..sadly I've really little experience of either.

It'll be 4 years since Neil ripped my character to shreds as my best man when I married Sarah. I was thinking about this recently and.… Sarah might disagree with this by the way……… but my marriage has been and is a real success,
So I've gone all superstitious and decided that if the best man rips into the groom in his speech, then the marriage will be a guaranteed success.
So bare in mind Neil, anything I'm going to say about you is not designed to get cheap laughs at your expense… I'm just doing it for the good of your marriage mate…
No! …….no needs to thank me just get me a pint later…

Being the good friend that he is Neil gave me a book of tips for the best man.
That he said he'd used to great effect at my wedding.
Yeah thanks Neil, you obviously didn't read it yourself.
I got as far as page 2 and I quote……………………… " Maintaining a clear head during the wedding celebrations is vital for the Bestman. You should remain sober! "
(Throw book away / Out of window).

Like I've said it is indeed an honour to be Neil's best man, because to me Neil is one of the best men I know. He is truly a quality individual. He's one of the most loyal, greatest friend I have and is indeed like a brother to me!
……..(Look and wink)……..alright Tony !?

So Neil and Gemma…………………………………… you've finally got married ! for better or for worse!…………… which is quite appropriate as Neil couldn't have done any better, and Gemma couldn't have done any worse.

Now I wasn't going to say Neil met Gemma in the gutter but its true!
Neils would fly up the street on his Suzuki TS50 and Gemma would sit on the kerb waiting for this cool biker to go past……….to think how far you've both come in this relationship Neils now got Suzuki GSXR 600 and Gemma no longer sits in the gutter.

Gemma you look extremely beautiful……………and I'll think you'll all agree that the bridesmaids, Rachael and Michelle, look lovely and have done a great job of taking care of Gemma today………………………..(Applause)………………………………
Also the Ushers Tony and Chris you also look fantastic………(Applause)…… but I'm a little pissed off that you've copied my outfit!
When Neil told me……………………………………………..…

Ermmm!………Before I continue ….… can I just say at this point if anyone is feeling nauseas, apprehensive, tense or just a little bit anxious right about now? ……..then it's probably because you've just married Neil.
Gemma? Gemma? are you alright? Do you need a drink? …….Bar Staff!……..… Red wine with ice!

When Neil told me he had asked Gemma to marry him I was really pleased for them both. Indeed I know no one would have been more pleased than our Dad.

Gemma certainly deserves a good husband. Thank God Neil you married her before she found one.

Neil and Gemma have the same core values / they are the nicest, most perfectly suited couple.
Gemma is wonderful, she is loving, intelligent, a beautiful woman and a really great kisser. …………………………errrr…………………Apparently!!!!

Neil however is even more wonderful, he is more loving, more intelligent,
He is a a, I'm sorry Neil what does that say?……… I cant read your handwritting !

Well !……….… I suppose I should mention the stag do!
What can I say?
The beer was awful, the women were fat, ugly and trying to drag Neil back to their B&B ………….and the good looking ones were just scared of us! I don't know why?

The tower lounge just wasn't the same, the band was too good and the carpet wasn't sticky enough!
The hotel didn't even have a bed in the bedroom. However it did come with a free kebab and Tracy island.
Unfortunately Kevin couldn't make it here today to the daytime celebration, but he has sent you a little present Neil.
…..I believe its been deposited in your bridal suit……..That's right isn't it Ian?
…….But you might need this to find it ! ( LIGHTBULB )

To ensure everything went smoothly we booked Neil in for a waxing, however they would only do his chest.
Neil what made you want to have that done? ………… oh ! that's right the seven lads standing at the door.

Now, Neil and Gemma will be the first to admit that they are not mere youngsters setting out on the road of marriage, so its fair to say that there must be some past history here..…
Because of this I took the opportunity to place an advert in the local newspaper.

It read as follows:

READ PAPER

“Notice to all the Ladies of Durham and surrounding area,
Former Bachelor extradinaire Neil Reed is getting married
on 18th September 2004, to Miss Gemma Ridley.
Would those of you still retaining keys to his house /
or intimate items of affection kindly return them
to the best man at the address below before this date.
If you would like to add a message wishing him well, please do so.”

Well I'm pleased to say Gemma there weren't any keys,……..HOWEVER !:-

There were a few intimate items of affection.

1.Thong (Huge)- note saying "good luck Neil, PS please ask Paul to stop knocking on my door"

2.T shirt – note saying “ To mammy's little soldier, Good Luck”

3.Handcuffs – Note saying "You left these on the treatment table, Good Luck – All the girls at AJ's Beauty Salon"

4.Men's ‘Y’ Fronts – Good Luck Neil, really enjoyed sleeping with you in Blackpool, but did you pack my paisley underpants by mistake? – Lots of Love- Chalkie.

And I don't know what this is but it was addressed to Gemma!!!

5.Box of Viagra –note saying “Gemma I think you might need these”.
Oh my goodness it's a box of Viagra !

A great gag ! but I must say a quick thankyou to Tony for having
supplied the prop for that !
……..(Look and wink)……..alright Tony !?

Moods
Well Neil to help answer that age old mystery of the difference between men and women, I've found some wisdom in the form of a poem,
called Moods:
Moods of a woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her husband alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She will kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She will be stronger than brandy, milder than milk
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, but most of all……….… she'll love you like mad

Moods of a man

Horny and Hungry

Well for those of you who have placed a bet its getting near the end of my speech, but if I can just read out a few cards of those people who couldn't make it here today:

READ CARDS

I'm really upset, I thought I was going to be your bestman – Regards, Charlie Boy

I'm really upset, I thought I was going to be your bestman – Regards, Tony
…………………(Look and wink)……..alright Tony !?
P.S. Sorry I couldn't make it to your stag weekend, but I was in my bomber over Berlin.

Neil – Sorry I didn't get to see you in Blackpool but hope to see you on the honeymoon
……………………….… Regards Huwie (ROOM 308)

Well folks on behalf of the Bride and Groom I would like to thank you all for coming to their wedding day and indeed trying you utmost to look smart,
also on behalf of the Bride and Groom I would like to extend their invitation to the evening celebration.

Ladies and Gentlemen, my throat was dry when I began this speech…………….… it's even drier now ! ………….and I can think of no better remedy than to drink to the health, wealth and eternal happiness of the newlyweds.
So please fill your glasses and rise to drink a toast………………………
to the newest Mr and Mrs Reed
Neil and Gemma.