Speech by Mike Reed

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mike Reed
Speech Date: sep2002
Hello my name is Michael and im an alcoholic…………..oooops that's Monday night!

I know a book is running on the speech so….Anne could you please select the speech of your choice
(the bride is offered 3 envelopes marked, CLEAN POLITE SPEECH, X RATED SPEECH, UPSET THE FAMILY SPEECH.

SPEECH

Thank you Alan for asking me to be your best man, I can only compare it with sleeping with the queen,
a great privilege but no one really wants to do it.

I can only speak for a couple of minutes because of my throat……………..If I go on too long Anne has threatened to cut it.

You all may have noticed im a bit nervous, not to say ive been to the toilet a lot but this isn't the first time today that ive stood up from a warm seat holding a piece of paper

In my role as best man I tried to make sure Alan had a good nights sleep, so last night we had a few beers and he slept like a baby, waking up in the early hours in a wet bed asking for his mam.

Well Alan people say life is like a lottery, if that's true, then today Alan you certainly have got the winning ticket,
Anne it looks like you've won the last prize in the raffle.

I would like to take this opportunity if I could to congratulate Anne on what a brilliant job she's done in planning and organising today.
(ROUND OF APPLAUSE)

Alan you don't realise what a great girl you have, she'll do anything for you, when you took up Thai boxing and riding a motorbike Anne gave up her day job and qualified as a nurse.
Alan I hope you realise you've married a beautiful intelligent talented and exceptional woman
Anne you've married Alan.

I must say Anne you look stunning, Alan you just look stunned !
Anne your dress looks fantastic so do the bridesmaids.
I have indeed cause to compliment you on what a good job you've done on my wife.
Hair by Nicky Clarke
Dress by Gucci
Foundation and make up by B&Q.

Id just like to mention a little about Alan's history followed by a few outrageous stories about him :
Alan was born went to school painted cars and married Anne!
RIGHT! Onto those outrageous stories

Unfortunately or fortunately I don't know Alan from school but apparently during his school years
Alan was an ideal pupil who excelled in all his classes
No!…….sorry!…………ive misread that bit
Alan was an idle pupil who was expelled from all his classes

Alan has certainly found having a nurse as a partner to be beneficial indeed in only the last few months he has fallen down the stairs on his last night out with me covering his bum in carpet burns and when last out on his motorbike he fell off it………….on both occasions Anne resorted to scrubbing the wounds with TCP, not that this level of medical treatment was required, she just wanted to see Alan cry !
So Alan it's so nice to see you finally married
Anne had banned Alan from riding his bike and drinking with me till they were finally married

Ive known Alan for quite a few years now
Actually since he was this high (HAND) and its good to know Alan can come to me for advice,
I remember the day in the gym when Alan asked my advice about getting married
I said ‘Honestly it the best thing you could ever do’
Cause the true is Alan, if I cant be happy why the hell should you !

I was going to mention a few of Alan's ex girlfriend which is traditional in a best mans speech.
Fortunately for Alan there weren't that many, also due to last years foot and mouth outbreak most have been culled and incinerated.

He did however have better luck with the ladies on his stag weekend.
Beautiful she was! Tall, blonde, long legs………..beard !
Oh! And Alan heres that business card from that one woman you did score with (READ BUISNESS CARD)
Id like to tell you more about the stag weekend but the law of the stag prevents me doing just that

You wouldn't think to look at him but Alan has been quite the sportsman in his time, he use to play Sunday league football, so I asked some of Alan's ex team mates about his abilities, they said he was absolutely useless in every position!
So Anne I hope you have better luck with him!

I also asked Arthur, Anne's dad about any memories of Anne that I could put into my speech,
Arthur's wise words were its funny how life repeats itself…………………………..he remembers Anne 27 years ago sitting there with her dummy, and just look at her today doing exactly the same.

Well, I'll stop now as were all getting just too emotional, look even the cakes in tears
(Sorry that's a traditional wedding joke )

READ A FEW CARDS

Before I give you the toast ive just received a fax from the honeymoon hotel in Mexico
“Dear Mr and Mrs Bowes
We look forward to making your honeymoon a memorable stay, please do not worry if there is a slight delay when checking into your room, as we are putting something very special on for you both …………………………………..the roof !”

TOAST

Ladies and gentlemen there is obviously a couple of very special people here today who we all have the utmost respect and admiration for and whom we could not do without, at some stage this evening im sure we all will be sharing with them our thoughts on this special day and giving them our thanks for making it so special, so ladies and gentlemen I would like to propose a toast to the bar staff

No seriously my final words are for you Alan and Anne
May your love be modern enough to survive the times
And old fashioned enough to last forever

Would you all now be upstanding and raise your glasses to the new Mr and Mrs Bowes

ALAN AND ANNE !