Speech by Mike Sumner

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mike Sumner
Speech Date: Sep2005
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, as most of you have probably guessed already from the church I am the best man and as Henry the 8th said to each of his wife's, I won't keep you long.
I would like to begin on behalf of C… and J… turn to J… questioningly sorry J… and C…, to say thanks to everyone for being here and sharing their special day with them. OK, as is customary at these occasions now is the moment you have all been waiting for…….FREE BAR the drinks are on C…turn to C… that's right isn't it? Oh OK sorry, speeches first. It gives me great pleasure to call upon the brides father B… to say a few words, so come on and give him a massive round of applause everyone.

Brides fathers speech

Thank you B…, pour yourself a drink and relax…..I now call upon C…to say a few nice things about me and the lovely bridesmaids. Give him some encouragement start clapping

Grooms speech
Well@done C.… Just before I start I have to tell you I think you forgot something….you forgot to thank J…., as your new wife for letting you speak for five minutes without interrupting.
On behalf of the bridesmaids F… and E.… and of course K…..thank you for those kind words and also those lovely gifts. I think you'll all agree that the girls look fantastic and did a wonderful job and deserve another round of applause. Whilst we're congratulating each other what about the Ushers.M….., B.… and the two P….sround of applause…not as good looking as the bridesmaids but hey, they did a great job and I'm sure we‘ll here more from them later.

J….., you look radiant today and I am sure B.… and M.… are proud to see you looking so happy. C…., you're a lucky man. You have found yourself a beautiful, intelligent, caring, and loving wife. Julie you have found…..well you found him.

Welcome to everyone and thanks on behalf of C… and J.… for all your gifts and best wishes. Thanks in particular to all of you who have travelled great distances to be here today.

As we have been enjoying our food I have been looking around at you all and have been struck by just how far people will travel for a free meal.
I know we have friends and relatives from all over the world, Canada, Tanzania, South Africa, Wythenshaw, Stalybridge,…… and of course Australia. Did anyone watch the cricket? Thank God for the great British weather eh. You have to feel sorry for them don't you, first the rugby and then the cricket , soon we'll be able to beat them at football.

Whilst I was researching this speech I spoke to lots of people for ideas and one of my questions was, How long should I speak for? Well the general consensus was that it should be about as long as it takes to drink a pint of bitter so the other night I was in the pub with C.… and I timed him look at watch Thank you ladies and gentlemen mock toast and make to sit down There is a rude version of that but at C….’s age I thought he might be a bit touchy.

I've known C… for about 30 years and in that time I can hardly remember having a cross word between us which I think is testament to a great friendship and for that I thank you C.… I hope we're still friends after I have finished.
Over the years we've been through a lot together, we were just saying earlier how glad we were none of them had turned up. C.… had warned the ushers to be on the lookout for ex girlfriends and just as J.… arrived at church he heard someone shout “she's here” it took three of us to stop him bolting out of the back door.

Now I'm supposed to relate to you all C….’s early years and the various pranks that he got up to. Well we don't have enough time for that so I'll make it short with a few bullet points.…

Born …..Long time ago
School ….yes
Education ….debateable
Friends….lots
College..…

I first met C.… at College where we were both on the same course. C.… introduced himself at the bus@stop on the way home and we soon found that we had a mutual interest in music, beer, and girls which was a bit of a surprise because I'd spotted him earlier in class and going by the shiny tight trousers, lovely sequined t@shirt and those cowboy boots, girls were not his preference and fashion was never his strong point either.

Girlfriends….not allowed to talk about thatlook at J.…
Cars…mainly dodgey
Sport….only from the arm chair
Holidays….lots
Work …only if it doesn't interfere with holidays
Dancing….no comment

Actually that reminds me ……on the way home from a college disco, C.… was in the back seat of a friends Mini. Remember the old Mini's with the back windows that only opened about that much.show small opening
Now I have to admit this friend fancied himself as a bit of a racing driver, well we all did didn't we?
Anyway C… as usual had had a couple of lemonades and declared that his stomach wasn't too clever, must have been another dodgey meat pie you ate eh C…., he suggested that it might be a good idea to pull over for a second but our intrepid driver had just spotted a potential race and was not having any of it, so C… was left to control his stomach as best he could.
Well the race ensued and as we sped down Kingsway weaving in and out of the traffic C…’s stomach had no chance and so he proceeded to throw up through the 2@centimetre slot of the back window. The resulting backpressure was spectacular and from the outside it looked something like the trail left by one of the Red Arrows.

Talking about driving….C.… was complimented on his the other day …I Know it's hard to believe but it's true….he returned to his car and found a note on the windscreen it said….Parking@fine….so that was nice.

DJ at the Valley Lodge….think Jimmy Saville
Girlfriends…..not allowed to talk about that
Mobile phones…how many have you lost C…?
Stag night…not allowed to talk about that
Drinking……Oh yes
As some of you will know I have a certain connection to Poland and as such have grown accustomed to sampling the odd vodka or two. Now I'm sure you will all agree that C.… can handle his beer but a few years ago we had been in the pub and returned to my house where I offered him a taste of a particularly strong vodka. Warning C.… that this one was really strong and to just take a sip I proffered a shot of 100 proof Polish spirit. C… being the man that he is took a sniff and like a true Polack knocked it back in one declaring “that was all right, fill it up again”.
I warned, he insisted, I poured and as he brought the glass to his lips the first shot hit the numerous pints of bitter already swilling around in his stomach with the power of a small nuclear device, but too late the second shot was on it's way down. C…’s eyes crossed and the best he could manage was a curt “come on we're goin’ home” . I believe he made it 100 yards down the road before adding a little extra coating to the road surface and momentarily becoming fluent in Polish.

Skier….faster down than up, usually face down
Musician……plays piano like Liberace
Marathon runner…..yes he did
Girlfriends….not allowed to talk about that
Hairstyles….…

Actually some of you may wonder how C.… at his advancing age manages to keep his hair so thick and shiny. Well I can reveal to you a secret that he has tried to keep hidden for many years. C… discovered a special ingredient a few years ago whilst on holiday in Colombia. He was sharing a hotel room with the teenage sons of some friends and whilst C.… was taking an afternoon siesta the boys decided on a typical boys prank.… substitute C….’s usual Aloe Vera shampoo and refill the bottle with…some other liquid do action of weeing into bottle.
C.… was somewhat perplexed by the non frothing action of the shampoo but was so happy with the shining results that he sends his order to Columbia every month and is planning to have it on Tesco's shelfs very soon.

C.… it's been an honour to be your best man and just before I read a few messages that we have received I have a little marital advice for you.
Having been married myself for many years I have learnt the marriage game well. In the world of romance one single rule applies….keep the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and the points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects….sorry that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the points system.

Simple duties
You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets @1
You leave the toilet seat up @5
You replace the toilet@paper roll when it's empty +1
When the toilet@paper roll is empty, you resort to Kleenex ?
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom @2

You check out a suspicious noise at night +1
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing +2
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something +5
You pummel it with a six iron +10
It's her father @10
Sorry B.…

Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party +2
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat
with a drinking mate @2
Named Tiffany @4
Tiffany is a dancer @6
Tiffany has implants @8

Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly @15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts @30
You say I don't give a damn because you have one too&quot @800

Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression +1
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep @20

Messages and Telegrams
So before I move on to the toasts we have a few messages from people who either couldn't make it or just couldn't be bothered coming….…
Read proper one

To J..…
Hurry back soon. We miss you already. And that's from Hampsons cake shop

Read proper one

To C…and J..… from all your pals in Columbia
Sorry we couldn't be there, Please send a picture of the bride and groom mounted…..… I don't think you should be sending photos like that around the world.

Read proper one

To C.… Was that a shampoo sample you sent us or something from your dog Ralph. And that's from the Tesco product testing labs.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I can honestly say that I thought, and I'm sure you all thought it too, that we would never see this day when C.… would be sat here with his beautiful bride by his side. Well that day has arrived and we are all thrilled for you both.

So, enough rambling, it's time to wrap this up. Please everyone charge your glasses and be upstanding for two toasts……..… Firstly a traditional toast for a couple of people who we have all taken to our hearts ……………who mean so much to us and without whom this day would not have been the success that it has been, so ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses and join me in a toast to………”THE BAR STAFF”

No seriously, C.… and J….on behalf of everyone here I want to thank you for all the fun we've had and all the fun still to come. You know how to enjoy every hour of life and I want to thank you for sharing it with us. You're among friends who want the very best for you both. May your joy be everlasting and your only pain be champagne. Ladies and Gentlemen please raise your glasses to the new Mr and Mrs B……… C.… and J…..