Speech by Mike Tibbenham

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mike Tibbenham
Speech Date: 21/11/2010 14:46:06

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, and for those of you who don't know me, I'm Mike, Alan's emergency choice for best man – Sarah was withholding beer from him until he decided who he wanted for his best man, at which point I got a panicky message from him begging me to do it!

Before I begin the task of giving Alan an uncomfortable few minutes it is part of the official duty of the best man to thank Alan on behalf of the bridesmaids, Kay, Heather and Lola for his kind words and for having them play a part of this special day. I have to say they all look wonderful and have done an excellent job. Indeed they are only eclipsed by Sarah herself, who, I'm sure you'll all agree, looks absolutely amazing. And as for Alan… well bless him, he's tried. With that in mind I'd like to thank the staff at Chester Zoo's Ape and Monkey House for their help in getting him ready for today.

I'd also like to congratulate Alan on a great speech. I knew it would be a hard act to follow and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.

So Alan and Sarah, you're now married, for better or for worse. Which is quite appropriate really as Alan couldn't have done any better, and Sarah couldn't have done any worse.

I first met Alan in 1998 when we were both at university. During our time there, we both grew ridiculous goatee beards, and since then only one of us has had the good sense to shave it off.

The thing that always comes to my mind when I think about Alan is what a nice man he is – always polite, always minding his manners. I remember a particularly messy pub crawl where Alan, who was a little bit the worse for wear at the time, stumbled into a bouncer. The bouncer took one look at him and said “I think you've had enough mate.” Alan, ever polite, said “Ok, that's fair enough,” put his drink down, and left the bar without a fuss. He then proceeded to walk round to the side door, queued up, and paid a couple of quid to get back in. Once back inside he thought “now where did I leave my drink? Oh yeah, over there by that bouncer” so he wandered over and picked up his drink, only for the bouncer to say “hang on, didn't I just throw you out?” Alan, ever polite, said “yep, you're absolutely right, good spot” put his drink down again, left the bar, walked round to the side door, and queued up to get in again. If it wasn't for the staff at the entrance of the bar recognising him as he tried to get in again, I think he would probably still be there trying to rescue his drink!

It was, of course, a great honour to be asked to be best man, but from the moment Alan asked me to do it, it was clear that, for me, the speech would be the toughest part of the day. I had to prepare as I wanted to do the job justice, so I decided some research was needed and I turned to the internet. My aim was to search for information on the responsibilities of the best man along with some hints and tips for the speech, but as most of the men in this room will know, when you're on the internet it is quite easy to get side tracked…

After many fun-filled hours of side-tracking, my research finally turned up some interesting facts, firstly about today's date, the 20^th November. For example, on this day in 1917 the Ukraine was declared a republic, gaining its freedom from Russia. Freedom… do you remember what that's like Alan?

After a bit more research, I found out that as well as the speech it would seem that there were two main roles that I had to fulfil as best man:

The first was to get Alan to the venue on time by making sure he got a good night's sleep before the wedding. Well I can assure you all, last night he slept like a baby – he wet the bed twice and woke up every hour crying for his mummy.

The second duty was to get him here looking presentable, with his face and hair in good order. Unfortunately, God didn't get this right first time round so what chance did I have?

I feel that it is also my duty to tell everyone about how Alan and Sarah first got together. They first met when they worked at a company called Domestic and General, but it wasn't until Alan's leaving do that anything happened between them. At the do, some of Alan's male colleagues had a bet that one of them wouldn't give Alan a goodbye kiss seeing as he was leaving. So it came to pass that on his leaving do, Alan pulled a man. Apparently Sarah saw this and asked Alan's friend if Alan was a good kisser – he said he was, and later that same evening Alan and Sarah started their relationship. So if you think about it, if Alan wasn't so good at kissing men, we might not be here today!

They say that the best mans speech is the worst 5 minutes of the grooms day, but fortunately for you Alan it's almost over. Unfortunately Sarah, your worst five minutes will probably come later tonight.

Well, I won't keep you any longer as I know Alan's dying to buy you all a drink at the bar.

Seriously though, I would just like to say best of luck to you two, I am really happy for you both, and I hope you have a long and happy future together.

It now gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses to the new Mr & Mrs Hirst… To Alan and Sarah.

Thank you and enjoy the rest of the day.