Speech by Mike Wallace

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mike Wallace
Speech Date: apr 2003
Good Afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen – For those who do not know me, I am
Mike Wallace, Tim's Best Man.

Before I begin, I hope I get through this as, yes I have got a cough but fear not – I have not been to China, mind you – thinking about it Claire and Tim have! Don't worry they are well out of their incubation period!

Let me begin in the traditional way, by saying “how fantastic the bride is
looking” although – I am sure you can all see that for yourselves.

Right, that is the formalities out of the way – in other words “that's the easy bit done”…

Now I have got to entertain you with some witty 1 liners and amusing anecdotes.

I recall it say's Gulp for effect here in my script – but I fear my throat won't allow me to do that.!!

So, forgive me for a few nerves – I know Tim will as he knows what delivering the best man's speech is like!

In fact, I now have an apology to make a long overdue apology– “Tim, I'm sorry, Standing HERE – I now know what I put you threw when you were my best man.”

To say Tim was nervous then, is a bit on an understatement!!

Tim did not eat for 3 days and was on the point of patenting the Best Man's Diet.
In fact I strongly suspect it was the last time Tim went 3 days without any chocolate!!

Right – where do I begin – like all good stories, at the beginning, I suppose.

OK – Tim invited me to be his Best Man, a few months ago and, my immediate reaction was a feeling of Honour – that soon turned into one of trepidation.

However, I was soon relieved to realise that, as best man, you get advice flooding in from various sources.

I was even getting advice about what to do for the Stag Do and that was the least of my concerns.

Tim – you will be glad to hear that I ignored the suggestion of "War Games"
which had you cast as some form of Albino Saddam!!

Now- who thinks they know Tim? [PAUSE]

Nobody? – That makes the next 5 minutes a little easier then!

For those of you who do know him – do any of the following sound familiar?

Fear of Heights – Always being Late – Hardworking and Studious?

Well, rubbish – I'm going to tell you about the real Tim Jessen – and
Claire – I'm sorry but it is too late to change your mind now!!

Need convincing ?? Let me start with this alleged fear of heights.

Exhibit A – An article in the Parish Magazine on the Little Garth Iron Workings near Radyr where Tim and I went to School.

That talks of a 400 hundred year old series of iron mines which have been closed
for neigh on 100 years.

At least try telling that to a group of 14 year olds eager for adventure!!

So, led by Indiana Jessen we head off into the darkness.…

Without any torches.… we explore huge caverns – venture along narrow ledges and in fact go to places that, as a parent now – thinking back, I cringe about – thankfully we eventually decide it is time to go.

Then it really gets interesting and I'll edit the next bit – for those that were there,
they will know why!!

Suffice to say, we emerged up a series of stone steps and yes I did say "UP
a series of stone steps" into daylight, relieved that Tim is still with us.

Now, admittedly, Indiana Jessen went from leader to back marker but, anyone
who can cope with that, can't have too bad a phobia !

So, MY theory is that Tim has a cunning plan – he plays on the fear of
heights for extra sympathy.

OK – So you may have gained the impression that Tim is often late.

In fact, you may be one of those used to waiting for Tim to turn up.

Unless of course you do what I do and tell Tim to meet at least 15 minutes before the actual rendezvous time!!

Anyway – Exhibit B – that is a picture of Sian and I getting married –
So that proves Tim got ME to the church ON TIME.

Now, Exhibit C – for those at the back, that is a blurred car travelling faster than it should – although – on this occasion – Tim was not driving.

However, I know Tim is aware of this reputation for being late and I also know he
is trying hard to overcome it – in fact – he is doing rather well !!

Not sure what I am referring to..… well – I hear that there are a few more pictures of blurred cars travelling faster than they ought – this time with Tim AT the wheel !!

Unfortunately, I could not get hold of any as they belong to the South Wales Traffic Police.

Finally – Tim has gained a reputation for being Hard Working and Studious.

He's certainly got a hatful of ‘O’ and ‘A’ levels plus his Degree to prove it.

However, let me also assure you Tim has had his wilder moments too.

Exhibit D – again, for those at the back, this is a classic picture of a very drunken Tim taken a good few years ago.

Oh, and for those wondering, the T Shirt was his evening attire for his stag weekend which I will come to shortly.

But first – let me take you all back to the mid 1980’s –

You may remember it well -a time of Big Hair – New Wave Music -.
Maggie The Iron Lady as P.M. and teenagers wearing pyjamas.

So, this next tale tells of a slightly more mature Tim – so cast out of your mind
Indiana Jessen and instead go for some sort of Long John Jessen –
or at least Tim, on boat, enjoying the odd drink or 3.

Anyway, 4 of us were on a canal Boat Holiday somewhere in the Midlands, celebrating
the end of our O levels.

After an evening sampling the local Brew, we arrived back at the boat, along
an unlit towpath.

Now, being novice drinkers (remember this is before we have been to University) and despite being our first lads holiday – we were still not that used to drinking.

So, we were inevitably all a little worse for wear and Tim probably more than most
– afterall, at the time Tim had a nickname of "2 pint Timy".

Mind you – it HAD got to the point that I was wondering, what do the Locals put in their diet cokes.

Anyway, we eventually get back to the boat having safely negotiated a dual carriage way (just) and the narrow towpath.

Now, being the well dressed man he is, Tim thinks he ought to put his PJ's on !

Or at least he tries to, little realising that someone has tied a knot in one of the legs.
Now, the next chain of events is a little foggy in my mind but – several minutes later and after increasingly futile attempts to get the PJ bottoms on – Tim somehow ends up outside, trying to relieve himself, whilst being spun around – a little damp and giggling uncontrollably on the ground.

So, before I finish – I understand it is traditional for the best man to recount an edited version of the stag do – so here goes – we went to Nottingham on the last weekend in March – so how about that for an edit! I suppose you want a bit more.…

Tim was inevitably made to wear PJ's for much of the weekend – much to the amusement of the ladies of Nottingham.

Mind you, finding PJ's in this day and age was a bit of a task – in fact of all my duties as best man this was the most difficult.

Claire was my first port of call – but unfortunately the authentic maroon nylon version had long since disappeared – still in a muddy heap on a Midlands towpath I suspect.

So, I was becoming increasingly desperate, having asked without success Andy,
Matt and Steve if they had any lurking.

In fact, my thanks have to go to Mike Phillips for being the only one on the
stag party being brave enough to produce PJ's.

Exhibit D will either end up in the Jessen duster bag or is destined to become a momento of the Nottingham weekend – as for those at the back – it was kissed and signed by some of Nottingham's finest.

Tour rules obviously restrict the details I am able to pass on but I am sure Andy, Steve, Mike and Matt et al will be only too happy to tell all in return for a pint at the bar.

Only – if you want my advice don't offer them a Vodka Redbull with
Aftershock chaser, unless of course you still want to be up at 5am – as we
were in Nottingham.

OK – Time for me to wrap things up now.

Tradition dictates that I am supposed to offer the groom some advice;

Incidentally, I have entitled this bit ‘ How to handle your new wife!’ as, like
when you have babies – you don't actually get an instruction manual!

So Tim – Firstly, set the ground rules and establish exactly who's BOSS.
And then do everything as Claire says.

Secondly, Remember, a man who gives in when he is wrong – is a wise man.
A man who gives in when he is right – is married.

Thirdly Tim , never forget to say those 3 little words at least once a day for
the rest of your life…… "Your right Claire"

And Claire, just so you don't feel left out – in doing my research for this
– I also came across some advice for you – remember..…

Men are like a fine wine – they start out as grapes and it is your job to
stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to
have dinner with.

Mind you there was a Post Script to this – Tim, are you listening carefully?
Women too are ALSO best likened to a fine wine….they start out fresh,
fruity, and intoxicating to the mind and then –
depending on whether you drink plonk or the top quality stuff
they EITHER mature with age or they go sour and give you a headache.

So my final advice to you Tim, avoid plonk
and make sure you give Claire what she deserves..… ‘the best’.

So with that advice fresh in Claire and Tim's minds – let me take this
opportunity to wish you both "A long and Happy Marriage"
and everything you want in your future life together.

Before we get to the toast and, believe me, I need a good drink
I'd like to read out a few cards, which have been received today……

Before I do the toast – Joking aside, can I thank you Tim for inviting me to be your Best Man –it's been an honour and a pleasure to go about my duties for the stag weekend and today.

Can you all please be upstanding for the toast –
To the Bride and Groom, – Mr and Mrs Jessen – Claire and Tim.