Speech by Moray Glennie

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Moray Glennie
Speech Date: oct 2004
Thanks mate.

I always thought it would be hard to follow G****’s speech and I was right – I couldn't follow a word!

Anyway, on behalf of the bridesmaids, L**, L*****, C***** and P****, thank you, G****, for your kind and thoughtful words. I'm sure we all agree that the girls look fabulous and have done a brilliant job in getting L**** here today – I hear she put up quite a struggle!

For those of you who don't know me, my name is M**** and G**** has asked me to make a wee speech today, for which I am greatly honoured. I say a wee speech because of my throat – if I go on too long L**** has threatened to cut it!

I have known G**** now for 7 or 8 years since we worked together in the pub at Ma Camerons. G**** and his pal M***** were forever sneaking off to the pub next door when it was quiet, to have a fly pint, and I was speaking to another of his former colleagues recently about these bygone days:

“G****,” he said “was a God!”, which I thought was really nice, if not a bit dramatic, and I said as much. “No, no – you don't understand!” he said. “What I meant was: you never saw him, he made his own rules and if he did any work it was a bloody miracle!”

G**** eventually left Ma's and moved to the bright lights of Edinburgh where he found his one true love – his Playstation. He used to sit for hours at a time Saving Private Ryan in his bedroom at his digs… Happily, I'm getting custody of the Playstation while the C****’s are on honeymoon – much to my wife's delight!

It was during this time that G**** and L**** started going to T in the Park – and they go there every year. I know that for this year's concert, they're both really disappointed that they are going to be in Perth instead of Kinross!

However, it was after one of these gigs that I decided that G**** was one of the bravest and, also one of the stupidest, people I know. The stupidest because he got absolutely blootered on cheap vodka whilst camping at T in the Park and allowed himself to be talked into getting his nipple pierced. Unfortunately, by the time he woke up next morning, he had forgotten all about it …

Imagine his surprise when he found out what was causing the pain… but it could have been a lot worse!!

I also said he was the one of the bravest people I know, and this is because he decided to remove the offending piece of metal – alone and sober – with nothing more than two pairs of pliers – and a wooden spoon to bite on if it got too sore!! He only found out later that it could have been unscrewed…

G**** is also loyal – all I can say is that he is still a diehard Dons fan. A team that has done nothing but disappoint him and betray his hopes and dreams for the last 20 years. If that is anything to go by, L**** doesn't need to make any effort for the next 20 years: she can give him 20 years of misery, break all her wedding vows and generally walk all over him and he'll still feel that things are going to turn round come August.

So now that you're married and you've got your wee hoosie in D***, and a smashing honeymoon planned, I suppose you'll be looking for some words of advice from an old married man such as myself. Lucky for you, I prepared for this, having searched far and wide for examples of good advice, and in my search came across a book called “The Good Wife Guide”. I did look for the male equivalent, but was told there was no such thing.

I'll read a couple of extracts from this 1960’s publication and I'm sure that if you follow the advice to the letter, a blissful existence is almost guaranteed:

“When your husband returns home from work, listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first and remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours. Make the evening his!!!!!”

“Once your husband has had a chance to eat his evening meal, clear away the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help, decline his offer as after a long working day he does not need this extra work”

“Once you have both retired to the bed room, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would for a train!!!!”

“Remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers, wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking for a man last thing at night!!!!!”

Sound advice, I'm sure you'll agree. Or at least 50% of you. L****, you can borrow my wife's copy if you like cos she never reads it!!

Now for the serious bit: I was delighted to be asked to be G****’s best man and I am even more delighted to see you both here so obviously enjoying your Big Day. I hope you have many long, happy and successful years together sharing G****’s massive pillow. I wish you good luck, good fortune and a safe trip and I'll see you in D*** when you get back.

Ladies and Gentlemen, would you please be upstanding and drink a toast to the health, wealth and happiness of the new Mr and Mrs C*** – L**** and G****…