Speech by Morris Hill

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Morris Hill
Speech Date: oct 2003
Thanks Steve and as Groucho Marx once said, “After an introduction like that, I can hardly wait to hear myself speak.”

First of all an announcement. Due to a problem with the sound system my voice may sound a little jittery. This is an electrical problem and nothing to do with nerves! I've also been requested by the Health and Safety Executive to ask that you all refrain from jumping onto your chairs and tables during the rapturous standing ovation at the end of this speech.

As Steve mentioned I am the best man – obvious I know, and I do hope you're all having a good time, in fact as good as I was about 30 seconds ago. Being asked to be best man is one of the greatest honours you can be given, but it is also one of the most terrible things you can do to a friend, so thanks Steve!

As some of you know Steve was my best man nearly 3 years ago and he did a wonderful job. However Steve, there are many reasons why you should get married and I'm not sure if revenge is one of them. But, it is a great thrill and an honour and Steve has already agreed that I can do it again next time!

When Steve asked me to be his best man I immediately ran to do my speech. I saw it as an opportunity to write about a great hero of mine – a wonderful, handsome, kind-hearted man who is admired by many. But then I showed it to my wife Helen. She read it, hit me with it and then ripped it up saying, “For once in your life talk about someone other than yourself” – Steve, welcome to married life! The second speech was rubbish so I tried again. The third was a masterpiece of which I was very proud, but to use one of my old homework excuses the dog ate it, so I'm afraid it's number 2.

Before I go on a word or two about the bridesmaids. Apparently it is customary to thank the groom for the kind words he said about them. I'm not sure why they can't thank him themselves but there we go. Apparently it is quite difficult to pout, look pretty and hold flowers all at the same time, and I'm sure you'll all agree they've performed their roles splendidly. They've been arguing all day as to which of them will have the pleasure of being the first to dance with me. All I can say is – look one of you has got to!!

I'm sure you'll all agree that the wedding ceremony was wonderful so thank you to the Registrar. I was a little surprised that Steve and Emma had a civil ceremony. When I overheard Emma say that she was determined to altar Steve, I presumed she meant get him there. It was a moving ceremony and if you'll allow – I know it's an old one – even the cake was in tiers.

I know Steve and Emma would like me to thank everyone here for sharing their special day and particularly those who travelled some distance to be here. On behalf of myself I wish you'd all stayed at home because then things would have been much easier for me!

So what can I say about Mr Taylor! I've known him for over twenty years. He's intelligent, witty, charismatic, and I'm not going to say “Whoops, wrong wedding” like the speech books say to, because he really is all of those things. I didn't say handsome did I?

Steve and I got on very well when we first met after he moved from to West Kirby. I enjoyed his easy-going company so it all came as a bit of a shock when we played Monopoly for the first time. Ruthless isn't quite the word. Day after day he'd make me return to his house to continue playing the same game, which wouldn't have been too bad, but I'd been borrowing money from him since just after the first hour. I have this great fear that one day he's going to present me with a load of IOUs and make me sell my house!

Steve's music taste in those days also left a lot to be desired. Steve, we all have our questionable albums but Fantastic by Wham? But it was always great fun at Steve's house – he'd be playing Wham whilst Sarah listened to A-/Ha at full volume and wrote a thousand pleases in a letter to Jim'll fix it in the hope of meeting them. Katherine is very lucky being to young to be influenced by any of this.

As I said earlier though, Steve is a clever chap and he was the first person I knew who knew what a ZX81 computer was and remains the only person I know who understands machine code.

The years flew by and before long Steve discovered drinking. He very unfairly earned the nick-name of – “one can man“. I feel I should defend him here and say it isn't true. But Steve, surely it's time to stop trying to disprove the myth. Those of us on the stag-night know just how much he can drink…and oh before I forget I got a letter with an invoice from the Holiday Inn we stayed at, it's about some damage to a bed or something.

In an effort to rid himself of such a slur he moved to Newcastle to study at the University. Whilst away we did manage to stay in touch. Steve, as ever watching the pennies sent me letters with Freepost added to my address, and amazingly the Post Office let him get away with it and he was happy as he saved the price of a second class stamp.

Steve then moved to Canterbury from where there are no doubt a few tales to tell. If I remember correctly after gaining his MSc he started his first full time job. Before this though he had a number of temporary jobs ranging from collecting supermarket trolleys, which lasted one day, wrapping cling film around cardboard tubing which lasted .. was it a week? And checking that rice Krispies or something like that were the correct size and shape… maybe 2 weeks!

It was around the time of him getting his first full time job that a wonderful thing happened – Steve had a haircut. At my wedding Steve made a great deal of me having a mullet when we were younger. Steve, I don't think I have to say anything about your hairstyle other than at least mine had a name. Steve, if anyone deserves baldness it's you!

Steve then decided a change in career was needed and given that he had always modelled himself on Ken Barlow, he's a TV character for those of us without a television, Steve felt if Ken could be a teacher and then collect trolleys, he could collect trolleys and then become a teacher. To cut a long story short, as I'm sure you all want me to, Steve ended up living in Sheffield and meeting Emma.

I've really enjoyed getting to know Emma over the years and think Steve is a really lucky chap. In fact Emma has developed something of a fan-base in West Kirby. People have stopped asking when's Steve visiting, but now it's “When's Emma coming”

The hardest thing about writing this speech was that there really is too much to say about Steve as he's always up to something.

I haven't mentioned the band he used to be in… Fat Crab. They only wrote one album; well what I mean is they only wrote one album title – Crustacean for the Nation. They didn't get round to writing any songs. Then there was the celebrated photographic exhibition in which he tried to persuade ladies of ill repute to be photographed outside their place of work.

Most recently Steve told me about a new interest – taxidermy. Each to their own, but next time Steve I don't think you should use the kitchen pans to prepare the dead frogs in. That's a warning if anyone invited for dinner.

Steve, on a more serious note, you've been a good friend to me over the years and it's been a great honour to be your best man, despite what I said earlier – so thank you. I'd also like to thank Anna my daughter for not screaming and crying during the speech, and I suppose I should thank you all for that too. I started planning this speech about a month ago and you must all feel that I've been delivering it for equally as long. But now it gives me great pleasure, not to mention relief, to say that it is now drawing to a close.

I'd like to wish Mr and Mrs Taylor, a nicer, more perfectly suited couple you could not wish to meet well for the future. A couple who deserve to be with each other – Emma I do mean that in the nicest possible way and who I'm sure will enjoy a long, happy and fruitful marriage together.
I was going to toast the happy couple at this point, but as I can't find a spit and open fire perhaps we could just say Steve and Emma.