Speech by Murray Macleod

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Murray Macleod
Speech Date: aug 2002
Thank you Toastmaster for the introduction and good evening ladies and gentlemen and members of the jury.
The last time I had to speak in front of such a dignified audience I was in court confirming my name and details with one of my friends in the public gallery waiting to shout at the time of passing sentence “henging's too good for that bugger”, which kept me on my toes I can assure you.
I am honoured and pleased that Neal has chosen me as the best man so thanks to Neal for asking me and for his friendship over the years.
Even if it goes horribly wrong, I would like to remind Neal ‘the Policeman’ that hanging is presently illegal.
I would also like to thank Michelle…for allowing Neal to ask me.

One of my easier duties today I am pleased to perform is to thank Mr Irving for his kind words and toast to the bridesmaids and page boys. I would just like to say that J and L look stunning and have performed their roles perfectly.
Also, well done the pageboys, D and R, for having a wash, putting on a tie and remembering to shave.

I've done my best to "dig up the dirt" on Neal but it would appear that he has never done anything to cause embarrassment. I couldn't even persuade Michelle to part with some insider knowledge…must be in love with her man! or something. This is a rare condition but apparently curable by marriage.

So, on August the 13th 1972, Neal J I was born at a very early age He was so surprised by his birth, he was speechless for about a year and a haIf.
I asked M and A if they had any cute photos of Neal that I could show today. There was one really sweet photo of him lying naked on a sheepskin rug eating a chocolate biscuit and dribbling……..I was going to have it blown up to show you today, but then I thought it might be too embarrassing as it was only taken last Xmas.

Just to set the time frame for 1972
Moody Blues release the hit "Nights in White Satin”
Mark Spitz wins 7 Gold medals at the Munich Olympics
And Mr Men books are published first time – according to Neal's Mother Mr Grumpy has always been NX's favourite. But I'm glad to see Mr Happy here today.

I have known NX for roughly 6 years now but I first met him through the power of football when he used to play for (company) work team. A right unruly collection of layabouts, thugs and hoodlums, that were quite good at playing football actually.

It did not take us too long to strike up a bond but it might of helped if he wasn't such an odd looking bloke, I'm not saying he was ugly but Neal's Mother told me that when he was younger she used to have to tie a bone around his neck just so that the dog would play with him.

I got to know him more closely when we both worked for (company) in cold Kxxx after which Neal decided to move closer towards the bright lights of Ixxx and work for (company) which is a local civil engineering firm – by the way in yellow pages civil engineering is next to boring, which is rather telling and unfortunate?

It was at this point that Neal (wisely) decided that I was a great and fair chap and that renting a room from me for a short period me was a good idea.
It did not take long before he had slightly changed his mind and gave me the title on a weekly if not daily basis ‘worst landlord in the world’ or ‘Rigsby’ to which I would reply that he was ‘the best rent boy in Ixxx’ – I don't know who was being more insulting.

Despite the strange insulting relationship the short period of stay grew and grew and it took me over four years to get shot of him.
During this ‘sentence’ I got to know some of his likes, dislikes and more endearing qualities.
His favourite food is quiche pie, favourite tipple red wine and Guinness, sometimes in separate glasses.

His dislikes – well judging from the stag day I think that should be clay pigeon shooting, eh Big Tex. A Big zero.
Endearing qualities – Neal has a good sense of humour, a good nature, a sense of hygiene, and an immaculate attention to detail – he takes about 20 minutes to iron a shirt, so you wont find any tram lines on this man
I also was witness to his fashion sense. Well let's just say the 70’s do have a lot to answer for.

I'm glad to say Michelle, who is looking fantastic, has had a positive influence on Neal especially with regard to his fashion sense, although he still holds onto one – his strange love of wearing his favourite flip-flops.
Most normal people wear their flip-flops on holidays, BBQs and trips to beaches. Neal takes it to another level. Neal wears his flip-flops when washing his car, popping to the shops, scrubbing the toilet, hoovering like a man possessed, cooking and more– I must admit that Michelle has got a catch in Neal as he is quite the housewife really.
He wore the flip flops so much that they were in tatters with his toes actually touching the ground. Honestly, they were awful looking beasts.
I was going to bring them in today to embarrass him but the Hotel manager took one look and barred them from the premises for hygiene reasons. Probably quite wise.

As we were good friends we used to go out on the odd occasion to experience what culture and finesse there was in Ixxx. Usually, if not always, ending up in one of the drinking houses or dance halls that this fair town had to offer
It was in one such dance hall that Neal struck gold one night – no not Guinness gold but precious Michelle.
It did however take a little help from one of Michelle's friends to fire cupid's bow into action. It was S who noticed them exchanging glances and walked over to Neal (who was holding up a pint and a wall at the time) and hauled him back to be introduced to Michelle.
After the introductions Neal and Michelle's eyes must have been fixed permanently as Michelle's gaze could not have ‘gone south’ shall we say. Lucky for Neal, for if she had Michelle might have changed her opinion of him. Yes Neal was wearing his favourite flip-flops in (pub name).

Nevertheless, it was obvious to all they were a great match from the word go. In fact, to this day I have not heard them disagree let alone argue.
Some of us here might say this must be a sign of a truly strong woman, especially those women whose meaning of the word argument is
‘a discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realised it yet’.

During the meal Neal mentioned to me that he has had girlfriends in the past, some may still have keys to his front door so he would be grateful if they could please drop them off at an opportune moment.
(Pause – 10 keys delivered by girls, older ladies and one bloke from audience).

I would like to say Neal is approaching his future life without hesitation and has already mastered the essential married male phrases such as "Yes, You're right Dear" or “Yep, buy it” and “sorry, I'll know better next time”.
I would also like to think they were not like the couple who were flying out to Florida for their honeymoon when a stewardess approached the husband and said "I'm very sorry Sir but we appear to have left your wife at the airport" to which the husband replied "Oh thank god for that, I thought I was going deaf". This will not be true for Neal and Michelle. They are honeymooning in Mexico, not Florida.

Just going back to finish Neal's job history, he latterly got itchy feet (probably a flip-flop infection) and decided to join the police force or, as he affectionately calls them, the Rozzers. Quite apt as marriage is a sort of friendship recognised by the police.
I always thought that Neal was well suited to the rozzers as he has a good temperament, is well balanced (without Guinness), high sense of moral values, likes polishing boots and ironing shirts for hours on end, and – as it turns out – has a strange fascination for the police equipment. The hat, the handcuffs and the portable truncheon.
I was very surprised how small Neal's portable truncheon was but I did notice that when held by small hands it appeared much larger – don't you agree Michelle.

His latest career shift has taken him to the Paris of the West, sunny S. You will have noticed by now that Neal does get about a bit. Originally from C he has also lived in I, O, back to I, K back to I and now happily plodding the beat in S. There must something of the gypsies in him. Either that or the tax man is after him.

On a more serious note, and on behalf of everyone here, I would like to pay thanks to all who helped organise such an enjoyable day. Everything has looked great and gone to plan so far…….but we still have the dancing to go.

So later on Neal and Michelle will be disappear upstairs to the honeymoon bedroom to ‘pack a few little things away’, for the honeymoon. And just to show I have no real hard feelings towards Neal's choice of footwear I present him with a brand new deluxe pair of flip-flops on one condition, no Mr flip-flop tonight.

One thing people have told me is that you don't marry someone you can live with, you marry the person you cannot live without. I know this to be true for Neal and Michelle and you couldn't meet a nicer couple. You can tell by looking at them they have found happiness. A sign of this is that they always hold hands, but possibly that's because if Neal let's go, MX shops.

My only advice to them is don't gamble, don't eat yellow snow and don't try the arguing thing for novelty's sake. In other words, and as they shouted at Neal in Police training, carry on as you are.
Ladies and gentlemen please be upstanding and join me in wishing Neal and Michelle a wonderful, long and happy life together. May your joy be everlasting, and may all your pain … be champagne.

To Neal and Michelle.
Telegrams

Possibly an apt time to say let us spare a thought for all our friends not here today.

To Neal
We could have been so good together
Britney Spears

To Michelle
We were so good together
George Clooney

From the football team
We found Neal to be useless in every position. Hope MX has better luck.

From Auntie Mavis
Sorry I can't be at the wedding, but please send me a photo of the happy couple mounted.