Speech by Naunton Liles

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Naunton Liles
Speech Date: sep 2003
Mr & Mrs Martin, Mr and Mrs Plenty Senior, Distinguished Guests, ladies and gentlemen. The toast which I have the honour to propose for your acceptance is that Mr & Mrs Plenty Junior.
When Terry first asked me to be his best man, I told him straight “No Chance”.
He offered me ten pounds.
I told him I couldn't be bought.
He offered me twenty Canadian Dollars.
I said, “ Do you really think I'm cheap?”
He then tried to tempt me with these high value notes from his recent trip abroad. Pause
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Naunton and I am the Best Man.
Thank Groom on behalf of Bron
I'm married to the Matron of Honor so my first very pleasant duty is to thank Terry on Bron's behalf for the kind words he has just said.
Anagram
Before I begin to speak, I have a small diversion to keep you occupied for the next 30 minutes. Those of you with pen and paper to hand are invited to work out an anagram on the name Elizabeth and Terry, or if you want a few more letters to play with, on Terry Norman Plenty, Chief Engineer. I will check your answers later.
Thank Liz for help
The arrangements for today's proceedings have been evolving for many months in Elizabeth's mind and the planning that she put into the preparation is characteristic of her attention to detail. Terry will confirm that there was not just a check-list of things to do, but a 4” lever arch file with dividers that includes pages on everything from button-holes and coaches to Registrars and Receptions. Indeed she must know quite a lot about Welsh weather, because she followed/abandoned the transatlantic custom of arranging a shower for her wedding.
The traditional list of duties for a Best Man were set down in writing in March with objectives defined and targets set, and these have been reviewed and up-dated regularly. I am grateful to Elizabeth for this careful planning, and I trust Liz you are happy that:
Terry arrived on time
Was not drunk on arrival
Is wearing his own underwear – and not yours or mine
He is neatly manicured
And, as no doubt you will observe, he's had a haircut.
Elizabeth bought us both a tie each for today, and the only hint that Terry may be a touch nervous, came this morning when he was wanting to take his tie back to the shop to complain – that it was too tight.
Elizabeth also asked me to make sure Terry had a restful night last night and I have to report he slept like a baby – waking every four hours and reaching out for a bottle.
Thank you Liz for preparing so thoroughly for today. This has assured the smooth running of the timetable.
Thank Terry for help
Of course, I am equally indebted to Terry who remembered to buy the ring, write a cheque for the Registrar, get the vaccinations and inoculations done for Canada, insure the bride against extradition proceedings when she re-enters Canada on 16th, ride out on his bike and put up direction signs at the roundabout this very morning and still manage to be on time to catch the bus here. All who know Terry will agree that he's a well organised man, reliable, strong and exceptionally fit; a man of integrity, and one whom we all hold in the highest regard.
Character assassination of Terry
Which leads neatly into the next part of what I have to say today. In accordance with ancient custom, I am required to move on now to the character assassination, so essential at every wedding to give you all a chance to cheer.
Terry Plenty was born at an early age in London, and he thought that by asking me to speak, he could avoid a recitation of best-forgotten moments from his earlier years. Well, happily Graham filled me in. Graham is the brother who isn't here today, and now you know why.
Terry was born on a bike and has been riding vigorously ever since. He has had more bikes than cars, and indeed some of his better bikes have been more expensive than his cars. The one that came free and accumulated the greatest mileage, was given to him, not by his Mum and Dad, but by David on Table 5. This bike was free issue from Mobile for use on a vessel that measured half a mile from head to toe. The bike covered many thousand nautical miles plying between the major oil fields and refineries of this world. This was Mobile's first tentative step towards becoming recognised as an environmentally friendly company.
But Terry is not just a cyclist. He ran the London Marathon in 1983 and has now introduced Elizabeth to this luxury sport. Last week Liz ran from Llantwit Major to Cowbridge and back, and if you think that's easy, just note the hill on the way home. Like all good team players, Terry takes Liz with him, as a pacer and she now is an accomplished runner and cyclist, whom many of us would do well to emulate.
After an all-round education at Cathays High School in Cardiff, Terry went on to study Engineering with Renolds Chains and had hoped to go to sea but confused an early recruitment officer by describing Ellesmere Port as a fortified wine. Eventually he made the grade and, as you know, has spent the greater part of his life at sea running the biggest ships in the world where the very engines are even larger than this hotel.
To give you an insight however into who really controls the levers of power in this relationship perhaps I could just let you into a secret piece of advice that Elizabeth told me a few months ago which probably sums up how she has molded Terry into the fine upstanding gent we see before us today. She said to me, Naunton: “Men are like a fine wine. They start out like grapes and it is a woman's job to stamp on them until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with. …” Elizabeth, you've done a great job of which we are all appreciative.
Well, its been an absolute privilege to stand before you today and make up nonsense about Terry for our amusement but to be serious for just a moment I'd like to thank Terry for his friendship over the last 20 years. I couldn't have asked for a better friend and Bron and I were delighted when Elizabeth came along to fulfil his happiness.
Perhaps the only advice I could give you both is to change nothing, as you seem to have been doing a fantastic job so far … Yet, Liz I read somewhere that "a man is incomplete until he is married…after that he is finished".
Read messages
We have some messages to read to you both. 56 in all, so you must have many friends thinking of you at this moment. Here are some of the more sensible ones:
xx – genuine
xx – genuine
xx – genuine
xx – genuine
And here's one from Lloyds TSB. Mr Plenty, there's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

Anagram solution
If I may offer you a solution to the anagram, they are these……
Finally
This happy union has come about today by the encouragement of a wide range of people. May I ask the two Steve's, Cheryl and Eleri, Sue and Pete, Sharon Tomlinson and Richard to stand up for a moment. They are neighbours and friends of recent vintage.
Don't sit down. May I invite Cara and Sharon Warren who works with Liz and Captain David Kettlety who gave Terry the free bike and Marylin, and Rob and Tricia who currently work with Terry to stand. Next Bron, with the remainder of table 5 who are Masonic friends.
Please would Moey and Allan Charlesworth who have come down from the Lake District, and Terry's brother Russell and Sabine who have flown in from Germany, next Uncle Mel and Jean from Cardiff and Terry's Godmother Emmy Dorking, too.
Now would Terry's daughters Melissa and Abi rise, with Rob and Neil and would Elizabeth's brother David and Tanya harness Sonia and rise too.
And finally Elizabeth and Stewart Martin, and Betty and Ron Plenty without whom all this could not have happened.
We all know Elizabeth and Terry are, and have been since they met, a supremely happy couple. Long may it so continue.
I bid you to raise your glasses and join with me in a bumper toast to
The Bride and Groom