Speech by Neil Armstrong

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neil Armstrong
Speech Date: oct 2003
Ladies and Gentleman, thank you for that welcome. I must just say before I start, the last time I had a Clap like that it took a course of medication to calm it down.
Anyway….…

When *** told me he was getting married I have to admit I was a little shocked. You see, I already knew *** and had always thought see was a bright intelligent Woman. But here they are married, and for better or for worse couldn't have been more appropriate. As *** you certainly couldn't have done any better and ***, you couldn't have done much worse.

A little while after *** and *** told us of their plans to wed *** asked me to be his Best man. I was initially very pleased even proud but as the weeks passed by and the big day came ever nearer I must admit the nerves started to creep in. After all it is said that being a best man is like being asked to make love to the Queen a great honour but no one really wants to do it.

Joking aside, for the moment anyway. I would like to thank *** and **** for asking me to perform the role of the best man. It really is an honour to have been asked and it's a pleasure to do. I will say however this certainly isn't the first time today that I've stood up nervously clutching several sheets of paper.

So why was I chosen to be the best man? Well possibly because *** believes I am dependable, resourceful and above all discrete when it comes to his past. Well *** two out of three ain't bad.

So it falls upon me as is traditional on these occasions to talk to you all about ***, his life or at least some of it, and in doing so use as much embarrassing material as possible.

So where did it all start? *** was born on the ** of *** 1974. Sharing his birthday with none other than the former Beatle, Sir Paul McCartney. It was also on this day 1834 that slavery was outlawed in Great Britain. Some would say only to be reintroduced for *** on 2nd August 2003.

Even more relevant on his birthday 1915 The First World War battle of Artois was being waged. And as most of the lads know the carnage caused by Artois is still felt by *** most weekends.

In truth however 1974 was a fairly uneventful year made notable for two things.
The introduction of the Gillette disposable razor. And perhaps more interestingly free family planning on the N.H.S.
So maybe if *****, *** and for that matter *** and *** could have resisted their urges a few more months they could have saved them selves a fortune today.

Whilst *** was being born Britain was being subjected to the sounds of Glam Rock. On the very day of ***’s birth Always Yours by Gary Glitter was at the #1 spot.
No jokes there then.

At the Cinema disaster was everywhere with the box office Blockbusters of the year being The Towering Inferno, Earthquake and The Exorcist.
Fortunately though disasters were avoided for *** during those early years. That is until it was time for School. Now I am led to believe *** was in the main a happy child, however I have it on very good information, thank you ***, that his first day at ****** Juniors was well “ emotional”.

Within a blink of an eye 1990 was upon us and for many myself and *** included it was time to leave School and enter the work place. For *** that meant joining The British Army. As a result *** served his country in many of the worlds trouble spots.
However there were also spots where the only trouble was the British Army.
For example Cyprus: where *** often led a number of junior members from his regiment into some of the most dangerous and unpleasant drinking dens in the world.

In fairness to *** I know he was and still is highly regarded by all those who served with him. This sentiment is also true for those like me who have the pleasure of calling *** a friend.
He is however prone to the occasional error in judgement. Like the time in Canada, when driving a Tank he struck and up-rooted a tree. This in it's self doesn't sound to bad until you realise it was one of only two tree's in a 500mile area.
Or during a forest ambush exercise he found the Tank had been placed into such a tight corridor of tress that he was unable to traverse the gun to fire it. So much like the scene in the Austin Powers movie he found himself having to move the cannon back and forth in an attempt to free it. Unfortunately in doing so again a number of very old trees were sacrificed.

During the time *** served in the Army he found he was very good with his hands, an attribute that was to serve him well with his future employment within the ****** industry. However whilst still in service he found he could use this skill in the commission of crime.
Yes, *** would regually hotwire Tanks for the odd joyride around barracks. That is until on one of these crime spree's he was caught by a more senior officer red handed.
This though was not the only example of *** law breaking. There was the occasion in Cornwall aged 16 and with no Driving Licence that he drove a 3 Ton Military truck down a near vertical cliff path, much to the horror of all present.

Towards the end of ***’s time in The Army postings brought him a bit closer to home.
It is at this point on one evening during September 1999 at Tiffany's Bar in ******* which is just a short trip down the road from here, *** entered into ***’s life for the first time.

A number of dates followed the possible high light of which being Longleat Safari Park. For it was here whilst romancing *** in the monkey cage that ***’s car was almost totally destroyed by screaming primates with poor toilet manners. If that wasn't a sign of true love what followed was to leave know one in any doubt as to depth of ***’s feeling toward ***.
You see *** believed since Primary School that a man's love could be judged by his willingness to eat an acorn from the tree in the School playground. Since those early days she had found no takers. That is until Iain, who on that day at Longleat gladly stepped up to munch ***’s acorn.

So now almost 4 years on and were all here together at this wonderful Abbey to celebrate with *** and *** on their wedding day. And as I look around the room at all the friends and family it never ceases to amaze me just how many people are willing to travel for a free feed.

I mentioned just a few moments ago the village of ******. Now ******* is of some significants as it's where *** grew up and as I already mentioned where she met and was courted by ***.
So what about this village? Well it's famous for 2 things. Firstly being totally burnt down twice during the 1700’s. Then reconstructed by a pair of Bastards. That is the brother's John and William Bastard. A monument to both still stands in the village to this day.
The second and perhaps most important thing is the local Badger Brewery, for which *** actually works.
So you see *** really did land on his feet with ***. As not only did he get to munch her acorn on an early date but her Dad works in a brewery.
Speaking of which later on this evening there will be an opportunity to sample some of the breweries products.
Worth looking out for are the Blandford Fly, Fursty Ferret, try saying that after a few, and perhaps most useful on a wedding night, Golden Glory.
I am sure a number of the ladies will be having that later?

So what does the future hold for the happy couple? Is it really written in the stars? Well I had a look.
*** your ruling star is Venus. This forecasts you to have a spectacular start to the summer for your love life. With house moves a distinct possibility.
*** your Venus is moving into Uranus. This forecasts major jobs around the home requiring concerted effort being best left until after August. Or when ever is convenient. (Thumbs Up to ***)
Come autumn, winter, like *** a chance to move away or change address.

Seriously at this point I want to thank *** on behalf of the Bridesmaids for his kind words. I am sure we are all in agreement when I say they all look stunning today and have performed their duties with grace and good spirit. Oh and the Usher looks fantastic. (No. Not you *****)

At this point Telegrams to read…..…

Finally before I finish all that remains for me to do is the toast. So parents, family and friends, for the final time this evening would you all please be upstanding and charge your glasses.

“To my friends. Ladies & Gents I give you the new Mr and Mrs ******
*** and ***. May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.”