Speech by Neil Beaumont

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neil Beaumont
Speech Date: sep 2002

First of all on Behalf of the bridesmaids I would like to thank John and Mickey, for their kind words.

Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, for those of you don't know me and also are too stupid to have worked it out I am Johns twin brother Neil.

I know that it is kind of traditional to assingnate the character of the groom during my speech but being a non-traditional kind of guy. I wanted to be different so I toyed with the Idea defer mating Eva's character as well! But John asked me not to Mention Eva flashing her pants to half the tourists on the Costa Brava whilst trying to ride the Bucking Bronco! So I won't do that!

(turn to John…) Are you getting Nervous Mate………?

I think nerves play a big part in wedding, everybody is nervous to a certain extent, The bride parents are nervous hoping the groom will show, the grooms parents are nervous will the bride show, every one on this table is nervous that I am about to say something really lewd or offensive, we'll don't be nervous. ‘Cos I am. The bride and groom are bound to be nervous for obvious reasons, when I passed John on the landing this morning, as he was coming out of the bathroom I asked him how he was feeling were the old nerves starting to get to him, he said “no, and that he was actually quite looking forward to whole day…” I smiled and nodded and continued on my way to trap 2.. So John why were all these left I the toilet this morning?

(Cue empty toilet rolls from under the table)???

I am sure it will come as no surprise to any of you that I have known John for all my life. Infact he's been like a brother to me.(pause for laughter and rapturous applause) However despite sharing a womb for Nearly 9 months and bedroom for 10 years, I know relatively little about him! As far as incriminating and amusing anecdotes are concerned, so I enlisted the help of a private detective. The information about John proved to be most informative, however sadly as this is his wedding day not and not a public enquiry! I feel its probably best I don't share most of this information! Don't want to be cause of the shortest marriage in history!

Let us Now go back in time a while to when John was born. John's Lust for life for so much that after spending about seven and a half months cramped in side our dear mother, he came up with the cunning plan of escaping early, so on the seventeenth of October 1978 between 3.14 and 3.16 in the morning the world was blessed with not one but two more Beaumont's, despite us both being premature and John having an extra finger we were both in good shape! Things sort of ticked along nicely for a few years Until John started school, when he developed a squint and for corrective purposes was told he would have to wear glasses, in solidarity for my brother I also developed a squint and began to wear glasses. Don't worry I haven't got any pictures, but if anyone wants to see em WWW.jon-in-specs.com,

John was slightly accident prone as a child His list of injurys include a spade in the mouth, numerous rock throwing incidents, a crushed finger, and knocking his front teeth out after not properly re-fitting the front wheel of his bike, after mending a puncture. When John was not having accidents he was causing them and ironically the first time john time made physical contact with a Horbury, it was not in the throws of passion with Eva it during a game at cubs when John accidentally rammed Eva's brother Mat's head in to school dining room wall. Thankfully there was no permanent damage to the wall.

John's child hood wasn't all accidents and bullying though, there was some positive aspects as well. When we were about ten John and I started playing football, for Kippax Welfare, John played up front and seemed get a lot more attention both from the supporters and the press, He used to score a lot of goals I recall him scoring about 40 goals in one season, he scored so many goals and won so many man of the match awards that he still gets a Christmas card from the Skyrack Newspaper! Some people, including coaches from the opposing teams and scouts from Leeds City Boys believed someday John may even have future as professional footballer, and despite never quite making the grade, as you can see his dedication to fitness and healthy eating has continued!

At school he was all always one of the brighter Kids top set for most of his subjects passed nearly all his GCSE's, however one think that still puzzles me to this day about school how John managed to Pass French and Fail English is a mystery…In his defence He did pass at the second attempt with flying colours…

This Lead him on to an AS level in Maths and A level's in Art and Business studies. This mean't John was now sufficiently qualified to go University, he chose Sheffield as his venue for 3 years of hard drinking, and as a side line he also planned to do some studying In Construction management. Unfortunately John spent so much money on booze and kebabs that after two years both John's Liver and the Sheffield Hallam University decided enough was enough by mutual agreement He left Uni and took up a career in the Construction Industry as a procurement officer for Leeds based Curtain Wall company, I have consulted with his colleagues to find out if John is good at his Job or not Apparently his Stock management is excellent as he spend a great deal of his time in the Stock control area with his colleagues Mr Regal and Mr Kingsize.

Alcohol has played a significant roll in Johns life for about the last 10 years but rather than bore you all with the stories his abuse, there are just a couple of incidents I feel it is my duty as bestman to share with the room, when we were about 12 we decided to camp out in the garden, something we had done for quite a few years during the summer months, at 12 we were possibly getting a bit old for this activity, unbeknown to myself john had decided to up the stakes a little by creating a concoction of foul tasting liquors, i.e. emptying a bit of everything we had booze wise, in the house in to a cycling bottle topping it up with a splash of Lemonade. After downing this brew in what seemed like one gulp, 15 minutes later john was having the time of his life rolling around in his own urine and vomit.

The second incident shows the positive side of John relationship with me, and Alcohol, the incident in question happened last summer, after a night on the tiles celebrating Bri's birthday, we were walking through Leeds, when some, for want of a better word, idiot barged in to me trying to provoke a physical altercation I did my best to diffuse the situation verbally, with no result so John decided to diffuse the situation by sending my aggressor to floor with a hay maker straight out of the WWF. Cheers for that John!

The time John departed for Sheffield was also the same time he started seeing Eva. During the early part of the relationship he was a real romantic guy he'd take Eva to lots of places, with his mates in Sheffield mainly pubs and night clubs where Eva could watch John get drunk and fall asleep. His romantic streak has never left him and this Christmas in front of myself, Mum and Dad, John proposed to Eva. John didn't get down on one knee or anything. He cooly sat on the settee with eva knelt on the floor in front of him, totally unaware about what was about to happen, wearing the new hat, scarf, gloves and jumper she had just received as presents, bearing in mind it was about 30 degrees Celsius anyway and with steam coming out of her ear almost passing out with heat exhausting she accepted his proposal. The rest is history and here we all are!
I don't know if your all aware or not but John and Eva are going to the Italian Lakes for their honey moon, this reminded me of a story I read in the Daily Star a few months ago.…
“A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort in the Lake district I think it was near Coniston Water. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".
The old man replied, "I thought so … would you mind not throwing the peel out the window … they're choking the swans!"
It just remains for me to point out the reason married women are always heavier than single women. This is because single women come home, look at what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
So if you'd like to charge your glasses and Join me in wishing them the very best! As we all ponder some advice for Eva, the words of one of my hero's the late great poet, Ogden Nash “All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart”

Ladies and Gentlemen The Bride and Groom!