Speech by Neil Brooman

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neil Brooman
Speech Date: Oct2007
Ladies and Gentlemen my names Neil and I'm the best man, and its good of Darren to admit that I am the better man..…

now I always thought It was going to be difficult to follow a speech given by Darren.… And I was right – I couldn't follow a word of it.…

I've known this man for over 25 years and that's the longest I've heard him speak without swearing or mentioning the WWE..…

Right duties first..… on behalf of the Bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Darren for his kind words, and I have to say they looked wonderful and have done a great job, not least in getting Emma to the church on time… no mean feat as I understand she put up quite a fight..…

And I'd like to add that Emma looked absolutely stunning today… where as Darren just looked stunned!!!

A big thank you to the ushers… for having a wash putting on a tie and remembering to shave…

And as for me I think I handled my duties well so far today..

I delivered a sober groom to the church on time..…

I tried my best to make sure his face and hair was in order…now that's difficult considering what I had to work with ..

And at the alter, I performed my role in a professional manner, though I'd just like to clarify that this was the first time that I've fumbled around in trouser pockets searching for the ring……

On a personal note I'd like to thank Emma's mother and father for allowing Darren to marry their daughter.. As people were beginning to think that me and Darren were a couple!!!!

Well this is quite unusual for me, here I am with a room full of people waiting to listen to my every word, and for once I can't think of any thing to say, Darren I wish you were more interesting…

Lets talk about when Darren met Emma because obviously that was the start of something wonderful and that's why we're here today…

one of the first things you find out about Emma is that she's an animal lover.

She'd be the first person to come to the aid of some poor hopeless creature…..like I said which is why we're here today..…

As Darren has told you he met Emma on a blind date, and as soon as Darren set eyes on Emma he was immediately struck by her looks… to him she was drop dead gorgeous. ”your gorgeous” .. He said . ”Drop dead”” Emma said..…

But Darren managed to secure a first date……unbelievably Emma agreed to go out with him..…

I don't know where Darren took her on their first date ….he hinted to me that it was an expensive restaurant ..… he wants to keep it a secret so the place remains special only to them….all I know is that he wooed Emma that night with the immortal line.””if you were on the menu here, you'd be McGorgeous””

I never thought Darren was the type to settle down, and when he told me he had proposed to Emma a lot of us were in shock….you see we all thought he was in love with another woman, because all Darren ever talked about was his love for FRAY BENTOS.…

There's no denying that Darren's bone idle.… Which is why Emma had no idea he was planning to propose… when he said he had something to ask her, she thought it would be whether she would put a call into Dominos for him..…

But he did propose and Emma said yes and not so long ago they bought there first home together and immediately began saving for this great wedding.…

it meant they couldn't go out as much and they spent a lot of time indoors… I don't know how they filled the time.… it must have been very hard……

Well my duties are meant to be about doing my best to give Darren the most uncomfortable ten minutes of the day.… But to be fair, that's exactly what he will give Emma later this evening!!!

So what can I say about Darren…see it was only last night while sat on the couch trying to write this speech, I reviewed the high points of Darren's life. and fell asleep..…

To help with this speech I asked Emma if there were any decent secrets that she could tell me about Darren, and she revealed to me that they have pet names for each other.. Darren believe it or not is known to Emma as her little ””Holiday Boy”” Apparently it's because he's good while he lasts, but she just wishes he was longer…… See that's a new one on me as we all used to call him Kleenex or tuggy!!!!

Right I'll start at the beginning Darren Kitching was born on the 18th March 1973 coming prematurely.… At least he started as he meant to go on.…

Darren actually shares his birthday with non other than Elton John,… so one of them is fat, ugly and with a hair problem.… and the other is …Elton John

Now 1973 is actually the Chinese year of the pig which is quite appropriate when you think of Darren and his eating habits.… Emma on the other hand was born on the 10th November 1979 ….at this time the ”Chopper” bike the one with the big handle bars and the high back seat was at the height of its popularity ….if the stories I've heard about the hen night are true she still has a very keen interest in choppers.… but apparently it has nothing to do with bicycles

Lets be fair Darren does have his good points and one of those is that he can always take a joke,… mind you so can Emma as she's taken Darren..no they really are a great couple, Pure and simple… Emma's pure…..Darrens simple

One thing I can say about Darren… is that he's a generous and romantic man…..I'll never forget the time when he told me he surprised Emma with some Lingerie … she'd never seen him wearing anything red before……

He's taken well to Emma's two boys.… Bobby and Harvey.… they're Emma's dogs if anyone's wondering…it now means Darren has an excuse to go to Golden Acre Park after 10 on a Thursday night.…

Now before I lead into stories about Darren he has given me some ground rules.…

Darren made me promise not to mention certain skeletons in his closet, which surprised me, as I thought he'd be more concerned about me mentioning the monsters he's had in his bed..

Now I've known Darren from an early age we lived a few doors away from each other, and so we became great friends, so I have some great stories I could recite, but there's a time and a place and a weddings not really the sort of place to divulge those stories.. I mean I don't want to put everyone of their food..and besides I'll end up incriminating myself..… so I'll tell a story from what Darren's best at..… And that's eating..

I'll set the scene it's a rainy day In Edinburgh and after an afternoon of going to book recitals and prayer meetings the hunger pains finally set in, so where can we go but to Darren's second home Mc Donald's

Don't ask me why but Darren decided to eat a Cheeseburger in one mouth full..… No great feat you may be asking, so what if we upped the anti?…………….…

A voice from the back of the group could be heard saying ””I bet you can't do it with a Big Mac””…and so the Challenge was set.…

On hearing this the whole of the customers in the restaurant stopped in their tracks and gathered around in amazement or as I like to think horror.… they all watched in anticipation of the Guinness world record attempt… lets just say that within two mouth full's the Big Mac was gone.… not even David Blaine could manage that,.. now a lot of you may be disbelievers as this occurred before camera video phones, but being prepared as I am..… I'm sure we can persuade Darren to have another attempt….hand over Big mac

On a more serious note Darren is inspirational, through difficult times he has been courageous, brave, selfless and determined not to let things bring him down. Darren has got a heart of gold and is the nicest person I know. The kind of person that would do anything for you.… A friend anyone would be lucky to have and Darren it's a great honour to be your best man

Well as best man I'm supposed to offer some insight into married life for the bride and groom. Now never having been married myself, I'm not sure I'm qualified to give such advice. The one thing I will say is

Happiness in a marriage is like a lift… It goes up and down. So Darren, my advice to you on your wedding night is to make sure you press all the right buttons and try not to let your cable go slack on the way up….and don't forget .… In the words of the great Winston Churchill… be hard, stay firm and do not withdraw

It now gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the bride and groom