Speech by Neil Brown

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neil Brown
Speech Date: Jul 2002
When writing this speech I asked my girlfriend Kay how long she thought it should last. And the advice she gave me was ‘Apparently it should last about as long as it takes you to make love’…..…
Well, thank you very much for coming.
(sit down).

Now then: – .. Dynamic…… Charismatic…… Witty…… full of life and Great Fun To Be Around ..

But, that's enough about Ronnie …
It's time now to move on and talk about Ollie.

I've known Ollie for quite a while now… It must be 20 years since we first met, and in all that time we've shared most things.… In fact, it's fair to say we've been through a hell of a lot together ……………I'm just glad none of them are here today.

SCHOOL

Ollie and I first met at Westfield Infants School…..…

Hard to believe but he was quite an innocent, angelic looking child back then, and just to prove it, as I'm sure you don't believe me, here's our Ollie when he was eight years old. (show photo)……

Dean, on the other hand, now there's a different kettle of fish. (show pic) At about the same age he looked like this rum looking lad…and as you can see, he hasn't changed a bit.

Speaking of Dean, I'd just like to say Dean; it's a great honour to share with you the role of Best Man. But Ollie's assured me if I do a good job today I can do it by myself at his next wedding.

Taking the responsibility seriously though Ollie and I stayed at this lovely hotel last night and I can reveal that he slept like a baby… Every half hour he woke up in tears, sucking his thumb and asking for Barbara.

HEADMASTER

When the wedding invitations were sent out Ollie informed me that a number of school colleagues would be coming today, including the Headmaster. So he said to me ‘’can you say something notable from my days at school.”

Fortunately, coming from the posh side of Acomb I was kept away from pupils like Ollie during lesson time. But, I'm reliably informed by his mother that during school

‘‘he was an ideal pupil who excelled at everything …..”

Sorry, that should read ‘’he was an idle pupil who was expelled from everything”

And to put you in the picture here's Ollie during one typical lunchtime sharing a bottle of gin with the dinner lady. (show pic)

I remember one occasion during a Maths lessons in about the 2nd or 3rd year at Manor school…… and the teacher at the time was a bloke called Mr Paver, a very unpleasant character, with a terrible suit and a crap sense of humour……just your typical sort of teacher

But this particular bloke was someone who most pupils wouldn't dare to cross,………Not our Ollie!
I remember him picking up this pencil from the back of the classroom and throwing it as hard as he could, hitting Mr Paver right on the end of his nose………
‘’Who threw that” shouted Paver
And there at the back of the classroom was little Ollie; ‘‘It was me sir”
‘‘And why the hell did you to throw it boy”
And to that Ollie replied ‘‘Cos it's my birthday sir and Nicky Jefferson told me to.” – Good excuse Ollie.

Needless to say his reason didn't go down too well and many a lunchtime was spent writing lines and picking up litter.

TIGHT

Anyway, for those of you who don't know Ollie that well, just to give you a bit of an insight he's probably the tightest bloke you're ever likely to meet.

Whenever we go out he rarely has any money on him and if he does he's always the last one to go to the bar. But if he does ever buy a round of drinks in, and that's usually during happy hour, you always know when he's about to put his hand in his pocket because when he's uncomfortable he does this thing where he rubs the bottom of his nose and taps his pocket (mimic), I've no idea why he just does.

Most of you won't know but the Wedding was actually supposed to take place last year. But as far as Ollie was concerned the timing just wasn't acceptable. A number of years ago when we were about 18 a few of us had this bet that whoever got married first (this is true by the way) had to give £100 to the rest of the group.

Well unfortunately this time last year none of us were married……

Obviously distraught at the thought of losing any money and after a few rubs of his nose (mimic) and taps of his pocket Ollie decided to postpone the wedding until someone else went first.

Fortunately, last August Glyn married Kerry, so Ollie breathed a sigh of relief, went ahead the plans and that's why we're all here today.

Speaking of Kerry I'd just like to wish you all the very best on the forthcoming arrival of your first child…….… But being married to Glyn I'm sure you're not averse to looking after a dribbling little‘un with dirty underpants and a snotty nose.

Speaking of Glyn you still owe us that hundred quid.

EX GIRLFRIENDS

But I‘m surprised at Ollie getting married before the rest of us.… because we're all much better looking than him………well, all of us except Nick Eccles.

In fact when Ollie first introduced us to Roz we were all absolutely gob smacked, cos all of his previous girlfriends were complete dogs.

When Ollie first asked me to be his Best Man, along with Dean there was one thing that he said: ‘when you it comes to your speech whatever you do you cannot mention ex-girlfriends.’…….So I thought to myself who shouldn't I mention.

I couldn't possibly mention the first girl that Ollie kissed at School, the one with short cru-cut hair, buckteeth and a dodgy eye. He in fact dumped the poor girl the day before her 13th birthday just so he didn't have to buy her a present. But I do believe she's very happy now living in Micklegate with her new girlfriend Claire.

And I certainly couldn't mention the canteen assistant from British Rail, where Ollie used to work when he was about 17. She had this really long straggly black hair and an extremely pale complexion, in fact she looked the spitting image of Michael Jackson……… she was bad.

And Ollie would definitely kill me if I mentioned the one we used to call Potato Legs ******…… Now Potato legs ****** used to be quite into her cosmetics and that sort of thing and she often used to wear this mudpack because apparently it helped enhance her best features……… and to be fair for two or three days she used to look great …..…
Then bit-by-bit all the mud would fall off.

Unfortunately none of them could make it here today and it has sadly denied us some quality entertainment…

BUT YOU MAY ASK

But you may ask, as I certainly have, what on earth does Roz see in Ollie? Well, they say love is blind, and marriage is a real eye-opener. So I'd just like to say, Ollie, you are an extremely lucky man marrying Roz today and Roz you really do deserve a good husband……… So we're all glad Ollie got in there before you found one.

But seriously, a few of us were chatting about this whilst on the Stag do and we were puzzled as to how Ollie had managed to pull a girl like Roz……….Then somebody worked it out.

Unfortunately though, since then, a few of the lads have started to take things a bit too far, and they've been trying to emulate Ollie in the hope that they too might manage to find as equally an attractive girl as Roz………come on lads (10 lads stand up with joke nose on)

STAG DO

Anyway onto the Stag Do. We spent the weekend in Nottingham and when we arrived on the Friday evening Dean had booked us into this lovely hotel right next to the train station.

But, like any good stag event everything must remain a closely guarded secret…..Although I can tell you it was a Super weekend and to celebrate his last night of freedom Ollie insisted on dressing up to mark the occasion (show pic)……nothing to do with us you understand.

Roz did however, come very close to losing her future husband that weekend to another woman. (show pic) Her name was Keith and I'm sure you'll all agree she looks absolutely wonderful.

On a more serious note, Roz, as you can all see looks absolutely gorgeous, and has done extremely well in all the preparations for today, she truly looks stunning, and I have to say so do the bridesmaids, so could we put our hands together for Roz and the bridesmaids.

Before I finish I've just one or two cards to read out:

To Roz ‘We could have been so good together’ Love from Brad Pitt
To Ollie ‘We could have been so good together’ Love Matty Woodcock

And finally this one's from Roz's mum and dad
‘It only seems like yesterday, there we were tucking Roz up in bed with a dummy, and here we are doing it all over again.’

Can I invite you all to stand and please raise your glasses … to Roz and Ollie