Speech by Neil C

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neil C
Speech Date: Jul2007
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Neil, I am Bill's younger brother and his best man today. In short, every silver lining must have a cloud and unfortunately, I am it. I won't be speaking for too long this evening because I'm a little worried about my throat. If I go on too long, Bill has threatened to strangle me. More about that in a moment.

I would like to start by thanking everyone on behalf of the bride and groom for being here and sharing their special day. After a very special ceremony, I know we are all looking forward to the rest of the evening very much.

I want to reiterate what Bill said earlier by thanking Susan's parents for their contribution to making today as special as it's been.

I would also like to join with Bill and Susan in thanking Samantha who carried out her maid of honour duties to perfection today and did so much to help the day pass off so well.

I also wanted to say a few words about Susan who, by the way, looks absolutely beautiful today. I've been down in London these last few weeks, not only getting to know a very special person but also seeing at first hand the determination and spirit with which she went about organising today down to the smallest detail. Anyone who saw the very moving ceremony just now would testify to that. This day has been everything she, and indeed Bill, deserves.

I asked Susan a couple of days ago why she had decided to say &quotyes&quot when Bill asked her to marry him. She said that she felt, deep in her heart, that Bill had been a model boyfriend and would also be a model husband to her. Impressive words, I'm sure you'll agree. Now, being a English language teacher, I wanted to be absolutely sure of what she meant so I looked up the definition of &quotmodel&quot in the dictionary: [pause] Model, a smaller version or cheap imitation of the original. …I have to say, I find that a little worrying.

Now, Bill told me back in April about wanting me to be his best man today. He also said that if, and only if, I performed well, I could be his best man again in the future.

Apart from this speech, another part of my duties as best man was to get the groom looking good [pause and look over] however difficult that may be. Bill did manage to look pretty great today, although I have to admit to being surprised that he should so blatantly copy my outfit. Tut tut!

Incidentally, I asked my father a couple of weeks ago how he felt about the upcoming wedding. He said he was feeling a little down and he let it be known that notwithstanding the special nature of the day, he couldn't help thinking he was losing a son. I considered this for a moment and told him he shouldn't think that he was losing a son, more that he was gaining a daughter. At which point he told me that he was no longer feeling down, but had moved on to severe depression.

By the way, being the best man, I've had a couple of people coming up to me today and asking about how Bill has been coping with all the nerves and stress of the big day, so I would like to reassure everyone right now on this question. I have it on good authority that, last night, Bill slept like a baby [pause] that's to say, he woke every two hours and cried his eyes out until he was given a bottle. Oh, and it was Jack Daniels, if anyone is interested…

The process of putting together my speech today was, as Bill will willingly testify, one that can only be described as prolonged, agonising torture.

After I'd finally finished the first draft of my speech about 3 weeks ago, I told Bill it would last about 20 minutes. He told me that 20 minutes was way too long and I needed to get it down to around 5 minutes. &quotPeople will start throwing cutlery at you if you speak for that long&quot, he quite rightly claimed. I was obviously faced with a tough choice of deciding which stories could stay and which had to be cut and Bill gave me invaluable assistance in making those decisions and I'd like to thank him now for that.

Could I, for example, include details of his illogical and paralysing fear of any farm livestock larger than a small cat? &quotAbsolutely not,&quot he replied. &quotIt will only make the speech longer. We have to get this speech as short as possible.&quot Point taken…

Would I be able to mention something about his dismantling of smoke detectors in motel rooms across America during a 1988 vacation in order to allow food preparation to take place? &quotBetter not,&quot Bill said, knowingly advising me to cut out all reference to these episodes, even though Bill now runs an online bomb disposal course thanks to the skills learnt in these motel rooms.

Surely, I could tell everyone about him calling in ill at his grocery store job at the age of 16, our father taking his place and arriving home on the point of collapse five hours later. Only for Bill to then prop up our father's exhausted figure in order to ask him where his wages were! &quotThat would make a really nice story,&quot Bill told me nodding sincerely, &quotbut I just think time pressure won't allow it. We need to get that speech down to five minutes.&quot

&quotWell,&quot I thought to myself, &quotone story I can't leave out is the one about Bill's frame-by-frame recreation of the Psycho shower scene using a trout in a Wyoming motel room bathroom.&quot But no, Bill said when I asked him. &quotAlthough even I would look forward to hearing that,&quot Bill replied, &quotSusan wants you to speak for around five minutes so I fear the trout tale will need to go.&quot My speech was in tatters!

More in hope than expectation, I asked Bill if I would possibly be able to find the time to speak about his great work ethic, his mechanical talents or his prowess on the pool table. &quotYou know what? I think we can squeeze those stories in&quot, he said to me with all the joy of a small child on Christmas morning. &quotThat will round off the speech nicely, don't you think?&quot

So I think you'll all agree that Bill deserves a lot of praise for the assistance he has given me in putting together my speech.

I would now like to read out a few messages from people who either couldn't attend today or had a special wish for me to say something on their behalf. [read message sheet]

Traditionally, the best man should end his speech with a few sincere and kind remarks about the groom. And this is also the part of the speech that Bill was very keen to help me with, so I'd like to thank him for that.

I know I may have made Bill squirm a little in his seat and Susan was perhaps holding her breath and crossing her fingers in the sincere hope that I wasn't going to totally ruin their special day. The truth is, I felt very privileged to be asked to fulfil this duty of saying a few words today, however nerve-wracking it may have been. If Bill hadn't been my brother, I would have been proud to have him as a friend and if you can say that about a member of your own family, you can count yourself lucky indeed.

Someone who unfortunately could not be here today was our mother. I know how proud she would have been to see at least one of her sons successfully getting married. She would have become a little giggly after half a glass of white wine and spent the first half of the evening closely monitoring my father's beer consumption and the second half of the evening pestering him to take her onto the dance floor for at least half of an Irish song. And I know how much she would have enjoyed meeting Susan's parents. But I would like to think that in some ways, she is indeed with us tonight, not only sharing in the joy of two people pledging to bear witness to each other's lives but also wishing them a long and fruitful life together.

Which brings me, to your immense relief I'm sure, to the end of what I wanted to say this evening. I would like to finish off by proposing a toast to the bride and groom so if everyone could join me in standing and raising your glasses. [pause] In Italian, they say &quotil matrimonio &#232 un viaggio lungo una vita&quot, which means the wedding day is a journey that lasts a lifetime. So I would like to say today, [look at Bill and Susan] may your journey together be one of discovery, fulfilment and happiness. Ladies and Gentlemen, the bride and groom.