Speech by Neil Church

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neil Church
Speech Date: Sep 2001
Good afternoon, ladies & gentlemen.

For those of you who don't know me, I'm I__’s younger brother, N__
What-are-you-drinking. So if you see me in the bar later, please, don't hesitate
to call me by my FULL name…..…

Unfortunately, every SILVER LINING has a CLOUD and my Best Man's speech is
it…..…
So please, bear with me as I fumble through a few words on this special
day…..…

First off, sticking with tradition, on behalf of the Bridesmaids, I'd like to
thank I__ for his kind words. I think you'll all agree when I say that they have
done a fantastic job today and they all look absolutely beautiful …..…

I'd also like to thank everyone for coming here today to celebrate the wedding
of I__ & H__. We've people here from some very far off places so, again, thank
you all.

Personally, I wish you had all stayed at home as it would have saved me from
having to do this speech. Actually, by the end of this, YOU'LL be wishing you
had stayed at home so as to save you from having to listen to this speech
…..…

When faced with the prospect of coming up with a Best Man's speech I thought
"Ah, <look @ arse> time to change my trousers". Once clean, as always, I turned
to the Internet for assistance. Ever the bastion of the terminally lazy <look @
self/shrug> I thought that it must hold the answer to my BestManBlues.

But alas, No! Every sample speech just seemed to contain the same, tired old
jokes – often at the expense of the Groom. You know the stuff – Cheap shots
about his intelligence, his looks, his skills, or lack thereof, in the bedroom
<pause>. Personally, I think that poking fun at I__ today would be inappropriate
and besides, <look sympathetically @ H__> one look in poor H__’s eyes will show
you that I__?S problems are NO laughing matter …..…

It's tradition to give you a brief history lesson on I__ and, well anyone that
knows me will agree that I'm always the first to conform ……..<pause>

I__ was born in 19??<look @ him puzzled> a LONG, LONG time ago a mere
country-bumpkin of a lad frolicking in the fields of Cornwall. A pretty
uneventful time, he soon moved to Birmingham which was ……..<in brummie>
TRIFFIC!. It was here that he started school proper. Being four years apart it
wasn't until Senior school that we were in the same school at the same time. As
a lowly 1st year I thought that having a brother in the 5th year would be
fantastic. Someone to protect me from bullies, you know – look out for me. <turn
sharply/look @ I__> How wrong was I …..…

Seemingly embarrassed by his portly younger brother, I__ instead plumped for the
"I'm gonna steal your lunch" approach. I recall regularly queuing up at the tuck
shop only to have my sweet-treats half-inched by my beloved bro. Well, <look @
I__> you're paying for your brownie-stealing now, <mime weight-lifting> eh,
Workout-Boy ……..!

After school, and a failed attempt at college, I__ struck out and got a job at
Woolworth?s and a place to live. Most notable about this time was the fact that
I__ now had a partner in crime for his food-thieving ways. Indeed, <look at G__
F__> I__ & G__s potato-pilfering ways have not been forgotten …..…

Soon after, the rest of the family moved to America and I have to say that it
was I__s example that gave me the strength & the confidence to stay in Ol’
Blighty and for that <look at I__> I thank him deeply.

I__ has since gone on and has done very well for himself. Now a suited & booted,
jet-setting business man, I__ is living out a dream of being paid to see the
world and dress in fine cloths. But I'm not jealous – the exotic heights of
F_____ town is enough for me <feign crying/look to heaven ?Why??>

Anyone that knows I__ & I will agree that we're Chalk & Cheese – and anyone
that?s ever smelt I__’s feet will agree that he's definitely the Cheese! Forever
fighting, either physically or philosophically, we never spent a great deal of
time together. One thing remained true, however, we were, <look @ I__> and
always will be, there for each other. <pause>
But really, Dude …..… those feet <shake head/screw up nose> ….…

A quick word about the stag do – ?Beer?. £1000 in four days between five people.
With very little food being purchased, that equates to a great many empty beer
glasses. This cultural quest to Spain was however, most notable for two things.
First off – the impressive injury list which was long enough to provide a weeks
reading and also the creation of a mantra that all of mankind should live by:
"I don't wanna fight ya – I just wanna hug ya !!!".
For those of you who don't know, I'll let the guilty parties explain that one
later. G__ <look @ G__>. N__ <look @ N__>.

Judging by the amount of pillows that the hotel staff have been bringing in, I
think its time to wrap this up.

I__, I have three words of advice for you that should see you through most
things …..… "That?s right, dear".

I__, <look @ H__> in H__ you've found a woman who is kind, beautiful, funny and
intelligent …..…

H__, <look @ I__> in I__ you've found a man <pause> ……..<look @ H__/shrug>
who's name
begins with an "I".

With that, ladies & gentlemen, I ask you to stand and raise your glasses in a
toast to the bride & groom as we wish them a long, happy and loving marriage. To
I__ & H__ <I__ & H__>.