Speech by Neil Dawson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neil Dawson
Speech Date: nov 2003
GOOD AFTERNOON LADIES & GENTLEMEN

I KNEW THAT AS BEST MAN I WOULD BE STANDING IN FRONT OF A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE TODAY AND DELIVERING A SPEECH, THIS BEING THE CASE I TOOK THE LIBERTY TO PREPARE A FEW LINES

[PAUSE]

I SNORTED THEM ABOUT 10 MINUTES AGO AND HAVE TO SAY I'M FEELING A LOT BETTER.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW ME, MY NAME IS NEIL AND IT IS MY JOB TO MAKE A MOCKERY OF SIMON'S PAST WHILE OFFENDING AS FEW PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE. AND YES.… THERE ARE SOME TRULY LURID STORIES I CAN TELL, BUT THIS SPEECH IS NOT THE VEHICLE FOR THEM AS THERE ARE CHILDREN AND A MAN OF GOD PRESENT. SAYING THAT I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT ANYONE CAN ACQUIRE THIS INFORMATION IN EXCHANGE FOR DRINKS AT THE BAR LATER.

THANKS:

I'D LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE ON BEHALF OF THE BRIDE AND GROOM, FOR SHARING THEIR WEDDING DAY, PARTICULARLY BOTH SETS OF PARENTS PETER AND AVRIL AND FRANK & BRENDA FOR MAKING THIS DAY POSSIBLE, BIOLOGICALLY AND FINANCIALLY, ALSO A SPECIAL THANK YOU TO THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE TRAVELLED A LONG DISTANCE TO BE HERE.

PERSONALLY, I WISH THAT YOU'D ALL STAYED AT HOME, AS THIS WOULD BE A LOT EASIER ON ME BUT I AM TESTAMENT MYSELF TO THE LENGTHS A MAN WILL GO TO FOR A FREE MEAL.

I'D LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT TO COMPLIMENT THE HAPPY COUPLE, LUCY YOU LOOK TRULY BEAUTIFUL AND SIMON YOU LOOK……………………………….…

MORE OR LESS LIKE ME

[PAUSE]

ONLY NOT QUITE AS ATHLETIC.

BRIDESMAID/USHERS:

BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY THAT HELEN & ASHLEY LOOK STUNNING AND ABBEY, ELLIE & JOSEPH HAVE PERFORMED THEIR DUTIES TO PERFECTION. ALSO MANY THANKS TO HELEN FOR PREPARING A COLLECTION OF PHOTOGRAPHS OF THE BRIDE & GROOMS COLOURFUL HISTORY.

THANKS ARE ALSO DUE TO THE USHERS, BARRY, SIMON, STEVEN AND TONY, FOR HAVING A WASH, PUTTING ON A TIE AND REMEMBERING TO SHAVE. A TOP DRAWER PERFOMANCE BOYS.

I REMEMBER WHEN SIMON ASKED ME TO BE HIS BEST MAN WE WERE AT TALL TREES NIGHTCLUB IN YARM. WE HAD BECOME EMBROILED IN AN ALL YOU CAN DRINK FOR £15.00 BENDER AND WERE PUSHING OUR LIVERS TO THE LIMIT WHEN SIMON ASKED ME IF I'D BE HIS BEST MAN. I ACCEPTED LIKE ANY MAN WOULD WHO WAS 9 PINTS TO THE GOOD AND UP TO THE EYEBALLS WITH DUTCH COURAGE.

SIMON CLARIFIED THAT HE DID ACTUALLY WANT ME TO BE HIS BEST MAN A FEW DAYS LATER AND I HONESTLY HAD TO THINK ABOUT IT

A WISE MAN ONCE SAID THAT BEING A BEST MAN IS LIKE MAKING LOVE TO THE QUEEN MOTHER. IT'S UNDOUBTEDLY AN HONOUR BUT NO-ONE REALLY WANTS TO DO IT. UNFORTUNATELY I MISSED MY CHANCE WITH THE QUEEN MOTHER SO I WAS HONOURED TO ACCEPT THE OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE A FOOL OF MYSELF IN FRONT OF SIMON AND LUCY'S FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

I FIRST MET SIMON AT THE BOBBY ROBSON SCHOOL OF SOCCER, AGED ABOUT 8 OR 9 IT WAS A HALF ARSED AFFAIR AT HOUGHTON-LE-SPRING AND I SINCERELY BELIEVE THAT BOBBY HAD LITTLE OR NO KNOWLEDGE OF WHAT WAS HAPPENING. A SIMILAR SITUATIOIN TO THAT WHICH HE IS IN AT NEWCASTLE UNITED TODAY. SIMON AND I WERE FROM SHINEY ROW AND I WOULD TEACH HIM MY SILKY BALL SKILLS SOME OF WHICH HE STILL USES ON THE PITCH

WE NEVER MET AGAIN UNTIL MY PARENTS MOVED TO THE SAME ESTATE AS HIM AND WE CEMENTED OUR FRIENDSHIP AT THE COMMUNITY CENTRE ANNUAL FAIR WE WERE 13 OR 14, SIMON AND HIS THEN STAUNCH DRINKING BUDDY MICHAEL BURDON HAD SPENT THE DAY AT THE RAFFLE TABLES.

AFTER SHELLING OUT WHAT MUST HAVE BEEN THE BEST PART OF £20.00 THEY HAD COME AWAY WITH NO LESS THAN 4 CANS OF SKOL, 5 CANS OF SAMSON, 9 CARTONS OF UM BONGO, 3 BOTTLES OF VOSENE, A BOX OF RADOX BATH SALTS AND A COUPLE OF KIT KATS. THEY HAD TOLD THE TRUSTING RAFFLE ORGANISER THAT THE BEER WAS TO GO TO THEIR DADS. I'M SURE THAT PETER MAY WANT A WORD WITH SIMON ABOUT REDEEMING HIS ILL GOTTEN SAMSON.
WE SPENT THAT NIGHT GETTING DRUNK ON SUB STANDARD WARM LAGER AND BECOMING INCREASINGLY HYPERACTIVE ON THE COCKTAIL OF E-NUMBERS AND COLOURANTS THAT IS UM BONGO.

OUR FRIENDSHIP CONTINUED TO GROW OVER THE YEARS AND THEN SIMON'S PARENTS MOVED TO SCOTLAND. THIS LEFT BARRY AND SIMON WITH A HOUSE TO THEMSELVES AND LEFT ME WITH A NEW PLACE TO GO ON A SATURDAY NIGHT. MOST OF THE LADS WHO DIDN'T MOVE AWAY TO UNIVERSITY REMEMBER THIS AS A GOLDEN AGE. OUR DRINKING CAREERS TOOK OFF AND MEMORABLE NIGHTS INCLUDED

FANCY DRESS TRIPS TO THE 24 HOUR GARAGE

TONSE'S INEPT HANDLING OF THE PHONE CALL SUPPOSEDLY FROM SIMONS DAD IN SCOTLAND WHICH WAS IN FACT ME & SIMON FROM A PHONE BOX LESS THAN 200 METRES AWAY. THIS IN TURN LEAD TO OUR EQUALLY INEPT HANDLING OF THE POLICE AS WE TRIED TO CONVINCE THE OFFICERS THAT HOAX PHONE CALLS WERE A GOOD IDEA.

OTHER MEMORABLE EVENTS INCLUDED:

THE NIGHT SIMON ASSAULTED ME WITH A STOLEN BIN

THE NICKY THOMPSON HOSEPIPE INCIDENT

THE NIGHT BARRY BANISHED US TO THE GARAGE SO HE COULD GET SOME PEACE FOR AN IMPENDING JOB INTERVIEW

THE TRULY DANGEROUS FIREWORKS DISPLAYS – NOT A BISCUIT TIN IN SIGHT LADIES & GENTLEMEN.

AND OF COURSE WHO COULD FORGET THE HOME BREW ELEPHANT

THERE ARE COUNTLESS STORIES WHICH I CAN REMEMBER BUT FEW THAT I AM PREPARED TO GO INTO ANY DETAIL WITHOUT SOME KIND OF PAYMENT OR LEGAL IMMUNITY.

IT WAS AROUND THIS TIME THAT I FIRST MET LUCY. SHE STRUCK ME AS A REALLY NICE GIRL AND WE GOT ON FROM THE OUTSET.

WHEN THEY GOT A HOUSE TOGETHER I WAS ALLOWED TO STAY OVER AND IF I'D BEHAVED MYSELF I'D EARN A BACON SANDWICH FOR BREAKFAST. LUCY'S CULINARY SKILLS ARE SECRETLY LEGENDARY AND SIMON HAS ASSURED ME THAT HER MINCE RISOTTO IS DELICIOUS AND HER FISHFINGERS, SPROUTS AND SMASH CREATION IS A REAL DINNERTIME MARVEL. SIMONS COOKING SKILLS ON THE OTHER HAND AMOUNT TO A TOUCH OF THE BUTTON ON HIS PHONE SPEED DIAL AND A 45 MINUTE – 1 HOUR DELAY. THE GIRLS AT PIZZA DIAL SEND THEIR LOVE.

I'D LIKE TO MENTION THE STORY OF THE ENGAGEMENT.
LUCY WAS THE ONE WHO BIT THE BULLET AND DECIDED TO TAKE SIMON ON BOARD AND TRADITONALLY ONLY HAD ONE WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY EVERY 4 YEARS. FEBRUARY 29TH OF A LEAP YEAR. SHE DID SO ON FEBRUARY 29TH 2000. SHE HAD IT ALL PLANNED, A ROMANTIC MEAL, THE CANDLES PROVIDING A SEDUCTIVE LIGHT, AMBIENT BACKGROUND MUSIC PROVIDED BY WHAM. THIS WAS AFTER ALL GOING TO BE A LIFE CHANGING EVENT.

SIMON, ON THE OTHER HAND, AND COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF LUCY'S INTENTIONS, HAD HIS OWN PLANS. AFTER MANAGING TO ACQUIRE HIMSELF A TOE INJURY, HE WENT ON ONE OF HIS NOW LEGENDARY HOSPITAL VISITS, HE CHECKED IN, GOT HIS NHS LOYALTY POINTS ADDED TO HIS CARD AND SETTLED INTO HIS FAVOURITE SEAT IN ACCIDENT & EMERGENCY. HE WAS SEEN BY A DOCTOR WHO CONFIRMED THE TOE WAS BROKEN AND THAT HE SHOULD RETURN HOME AS OPPOSED TO BACK TO WORK WHERE HE SHOULD ELEVATE HIS MANGLED META TARSAL.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN IMAGINE THE HORROR ON LUCY'S FACE AS SHE COMES HOME FULL OF ROMANCE AND ANTICIPATION TO FIND SIMON CONVELESCING WITH HIS GODAWFUL FOOT IN THE AIR. FORTUNATELY SHE MANAGED TO KEEP HER HEAD AND ASKED THE HAPLESS ANDERSON TO MARRY HER.

AFTER DOING A LITTLE RESEARCH I'VE DISCOVERED THAT MANY BEST MEN OVERLOOK THE BRIDE SO I'VE PICKED THE CHARACTERISTICS THAT I FIND SPECIAL ABOUT LUCY. IT WOULD HAVE TO BE THE FACT THAT YOU ARE TRUSTING AND LOYAL. INDEED FINE QUALITIES FOR ANY MAN'S WIFE BUT ALSO IN RESPECT OF FRIENDS.

LUCY PROVED SHE POSEESSED THESE FINE TRAITS WHEN SHORTLY AFTER MOVING TO THEIR HOME IN WEST RAINTON, I WAS ALLOWED TO STAY OVER AGAIN, WE VISITED THE 3 HORSESHOES PUB AT LEAMSIDE. LUCY WAS IN HER ELEMENT AS THERE WAS A KARAOKE AND SIMON AND I WERE TRYING TO PUT A DENT IN THE PUBS SUPPLY OF STELLA ARTOIS. WE RETURNED HOME FULL OF SMILES ALL IN AGREEEANCE THAT WE WOULD DEFINITELY GO BACK.

THE NEXT TIME LUCY AND SIMON VISITED THE PUB I WAS ABSENT, GIVING THEM THE NIGHT OFF. THE PUBLICAN ACCUSED SIMON AND MYSELF OF STEALING HIS OPEN/CLOSED SIGN FROM THE FRONT DOOR. SIMON WAS SHOCKED AND LUCY VEHEMENTLY DEFENDED US BOTH. ACCORDING TO ALL REPORTS SHE WAS PRETTY VICIOUS. IT'S THIS SORT OF DISPLAY THAT SHOWS A REAL ADMIRABLE QUALITY……..…

UNFORTUNATELY, UNBEKNOWN TO LUCY UNTIL NOW. WE HAD STOLEN THE SIGN THAT EVENING, VERY PROBABLY ON CAMERA AND PROCEEDED TO KICK IT UP THE ROAD AS A MAKESHIFT FOOTBALL.

I CAN ONLY APOLOGISE ON BEHALF OF MYSELF AND SIMON AND PROMISE IT'LL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN, PARTLY BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO CHANCE OF ME GOING BACK TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME.

I WILL ALSO OBEY THE RULES OF THE STAG NIGHT AND GIVE AWAY AS LITTLE INFORMATION AS POSSIBLE.

THANKS TO THE LADS WHO WENT AND ALL THEIR EFFORTS TO HUMILIATE SIMON ONLY TO TURN ON ME AND SEE THAT I WAS ALSO STITCHED UP.

WHAT I WILL TELL YOU IS THAT WE VISITED HULL AND ARRIVED JUST IN TIME FOR A THUNDER STORM WHICH THE LOCAL NEWS DESCRIBED AS A MINI TYPHOON AND A WIND FUNNEL.

SIMON SPENT THIS TIME IN SHACKLES WITH ONLY HIS UNDERWEAR TO HIDE HIS SHAME. THE RAIN SUBSIDED AND SIMON WAS IMMEDIATELY PROVIDED WITH LADIES CLOTHES. ANOTHER STAG PARTY COMPLETE WITH LEOTARDS INFORMED OUR LOT THAT THE BEST MAN SHOULD ALSO RECEIVE AN AFTERNOONS EMBARRASSMENT.

{PAUSE}

I WAS GIVEN A DRESS WITHIN MINUTES.

THE FOLLOWING DAY THE COACH COMPANY I HAD BOOKED LEFT US STRANDED IN HULL. ONE NERVE WRACKING HOUR LATER NEWS CAME BACK THAT THE DRIVER WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO COME FOR US HAD DECIDED AGAINST IT AS AND I QUOTE “HE HAD SOMETHING ELSE ON”. THEY DIDN'T SPECIFY WHAT, IT COULD'VE BEEN SURGERY, HE COULD HAVE BEEN IN COURT HE COULD'VE BEEN IN THE NORTH EAST REGIONAL FINALS OF MASTERCHEF BUT REST ASSURED IT WAS SOMETHING HE CONSIDERED IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO LEAVE 15 PEOPLE STRANDED IN HULL.

THIS PALES INTO INSIGNIFICANCE HOWEVER WHEN YOU CONSIDER THAT THE LAST TIME I USED THEIR COMPANY ON A JAUNT TO LONDON THE DRIVER FELL ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL OF A 54 SEATER AT 3AM ON OUR RETURN JOURNEY. I'LL NOT MENTION THEIR NAME BUT THEY DO OFFER VERY REASONABLE RATES.

I'LL FINISH WITH THE TRADITIONAL BEST MANS ADVICE ON WEDDED LIFE.

ALTHOUGH I'M PROBABLY NOT THE BEST QUALIFIED FOR THIS I'LL USE AN ANALOGY OF SOMETHING I DO UNDERSTAND…….WINE

REMEMBER LUCY MEN ARE LIKE A FINE WINE THEY START OUT AS GRAPES AND IT IS YOUR JOB TO STAMP ON THEM IN THE DARK, UNTIL THEY MATURE INTO SOMETHING THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO HAVE DINNER WITH.
ON THE OTHER HAND SIMON, WOMEN ARE ALSO LIKE A FINE WINE. THEY WILL START OUT FRESH FRUITY AND INTOXICATING TO THE MIND AND THEN TURN FULL BODIED WITH AGE UNTIL THEY GO ALL SOUR AND VINEGARY, EVENTUALLY GIVING YOU A BIT OF A HEADACHE.

ON A MORE SERIOUS NOTE I THINK A SOUND PIECE OF ADVICE WOULD BE DON'T MARRY SOMEONE YOU CAN LIVE WITH, MARRY SOMEONE YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT. AND I THINK EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM WILL AGREE THAT SIMON AND LUCY ARE A TRULY UNIQUE MATCH………………[PAUSE]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN IF YOU WOULD ALL BE UPSTANDING……TO THE NEW MR AND MRS ANDERSON