Speech by Neil Edwards

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neil Edwards
Speech Date: sep 2003
Ladies and gentlemen, just before I start I would like to make an announcement, on behalf of the hotel management who have asked me to request that, for reasons of health and safety, that no-one gets up on top of the tables and chairs during my standing ovation.

For those who don't know me I'm Neil, for those who do – I'm Bag! and as you probably guessed by now and as Tony knew all along, I am the best man.

When I was asked by Tony to be the best man, naturally I was honored. The feeling of honor soon turned to panic when I realised that I would have to stand up in front of everyone and do a speech. Panic set in even deeper when I realised that not having been a best man before that I didn't have a clue what to say.

I asked my dad on what a best man speech should contain and he offered me this advice.

‘A best man speech should be like a mini skirt – short enough to grab everyone's attention but long enough to cover the essentials..’

I've known Tony now for 20 years another five years and some people would call it ‘life’. We met when we were both 8 years old at primary school, since then we attended secondary school together, done our GCSE's together, shared our first proper drink together, had countless more drinking sessions together, but I'm afraid this time Toe, you're on your own.

Some of the best drinking sessions we had were undoubtedly in the Buzz in Liverpool on Thursday and Saturday nights. I remember one particular Saturday night because it was the night Tony turned around to me and said he'd met the girl of his dreams. Petite, young, & blonde it was hard to argue. They were all over each other all night and exchanged phone numbers, the rest seemed inevitable from then on. Unfortunately the girl never phoned him and a week later we went back there and he met Sharon instead.

I'm joking of course, the girl in question was Sharon. I was in awe of Tony's chat up technique of being incapable of speech and just letting his hands do the talking over Sharon's backside. A technique that has obviously proved highly effective. The woodwork teacher in our school always said that he was good with his hands.

We didn't always do stuff together though as we grew up, for example, Tony joined the air cadets when he was 12 which wasn't really my thing. He did take me along once but I just couldn't get used to wearing the crap clothes, something that Tony didn't have a problem and still doesn't even today. His fashion sense in Prague on his stag week being the highlight of his low-key part time modeling career.

Speaking of his stag do, we did have a laugh. I'd love to go into detail but I've been advised by Tony's solicitor, not to talk about it in public until the case goes to court. Nevertheless we all had a laugh, which reminds me, Kingy you still owe me £40 for those last two dances you had.

Anyone who's interested in having a look at the pictures from Prague, they are available on the Internet at www.ladyboylovers.com

Joking apart, the stag do did pretty much pass with out incident or disaster, or at least that's what I thought until we checked out of the hotel and I got charged with a £50 cleaning bill for room 12 and a complimentary plastic mattress cover. As there were 6 of us that went, I won't embarrass the culprit of the unfortunate accident as it will no doubt ruin the rest of his wedding day if anyone found out.

Anyway, away from the stag do and back to today. I'm sure everyone in the room will agree that Sharon looks stunning today. When I first met Sharon, my first impressions of her what that she was nice looking, funny, friendly, happy and a very thoughtful person and when the pair of them told me that they were going to get married, I thought ‘it really is true that opposites attract’

I've known Sharon for quite some time now but as I was writing this speech I realized that I didn't know much about her past before Tony that I could embarrass her about. But after some investigation… I still didn't come up with anything, but I'm sure she's had a few fellas chasing after her in her past, maybe a few of them maybe in this room today, so I'd just like to remind them that now Sharon is settling down with Tony, things have now changed and I would like to now have a key amnesty.. so if anyone has any spare sets of keys to Sharons house, please now come up to the front and place them into this empty bowl… (point to bowl…)

Thanks.. Sharon, what can I tell you about Tony that you don't already know? You have known him long enough now to be familiar with all his bad habits, and we really don't have time to go into them all, but for all the drinking, burping and farting Tony has many finer points

A sense of loyalty

A sense of humor

An obvious one!..- He has a great choice of friends

But the most important one, he has the eye for a beautiful woman..

Tony, you have made a fine choice in marrying Sharon. You have found someone who is beautiful, caring and funny and I think she's made a wonderful choice in you for her first husband. Joke!

Despite all what I've said about Tony, he his my best mate and I know that my character assassination on him today was slightly exaggerated. When we were growing up he was always there when I needed a pint and a chat and I'm very proud to call him my friend. Tony, after all the years of knowing you, you deserve some luck and you have definitely got it today marrying Sharon, but a word of advice.. ‘Remember who's boss.. and never answer her back’

As I've heard somewhere before Tony, getting married is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You're all nerves before you ask. You spending ages preparing for the big moment, you make sure everything is just right. You want to look your best, even with the help of a quick shave, and then, when the curtain is raised and your finally on the platform, it flies by so quickly you hardly noticed it.

After nearly ten years together already, you really need little advice by me on your married life together. But just bear in mind that people and their perspectives can change marriage. I heard someone say once that when a man holds a woman's hand before they are married it is because of love, after marriage, it's simply self-defence.

I'm going to finish off now with a couple of toasts, so if everyone would like to top up their glasses.

I hope everyone has enjoyed the day so far today, and will continue to do so when most of the parents in here will be embarrassing themselves on the dance floor later on. I would like to take this opportunity to thank Val, Ray, Mo, Kenny, Sue and Auntie Hilary who's contribution to today hasn't gone unnoticed. Cheers.

Just before we toast the bride and groom and like to read out a few cards.… (read cards!). I'd also like to finish off with a few telegrams.

To, Tony, one of our best customers – good luck and congratulations. Disappointed that Sharon turned down our quote for the catering, but you can pick up the chilli sauce next time you're in – that's from Ahmed at the Picton Road Kebab house.

To, Sharon. Enjoy and cherish this Saturday with Tony because from August, he's ours again. That's from Liverpool Football Club.

This one looks a bit official. To Mr. A Jones, there is no such thing as a married man's beer allowance, please stop bothering us – Liverpool City Council Benefits office.

And a final one, – To Sharon and Tony, Enjoy your day today and have a great time on your honeymoon. We'll catch up with you when you get back. Television licensing agency.

There are not many best men who can describe both the groom and the bride as true friends but in that I'm lucky. It's an honor, albeit a most terrifying one, to have been asked to be the best man today. But I do feel a certain relief that I know that then end of my duties are in sight, as I'm totally certain that Tony will not be needing me to be doing this duty again!

Ladies and gentlemen, if I could ask all those who still have the capacity to do so if you stand and join me in a final toast to the new Mr and Mrs Jones. Thank you.