Speech by Neil Fox

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neil Fox
Speech Date: Jul 2002
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen! For those who don't know me, my name is Neil. Foolishly, Dennis has given me the great honor of being grooms best man on this very special day. Let me say how grateful I am to have been chosen to speak at such a joyous occasion, the wedding of Dennis and Claire.

I am sure you will agree that the wedding has turned out to be a fabulous event, but every silver lining has a cloud, that is that you have to listen to me for a few minutes! I do have a reputation for rabbiting on, so I will try and keep this as brief as possible.

I would like to thank Dennis and Claire on behalf of the bridesmaids for the gifts given to them earlier and also comment on how beautiful they both look today. Dennis, I would also like to extend my thanks to you for giving me the chance to dress like Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen and finally after all the time I have known you admitting that – I am the best man!

As the best man, I have had to ensure that the groom arrives on time, sober, and looking good, well 2 out of 3 isn't bad. After all look what I have to work with. I'm best man, not a magician!

When Dennis asked me to be best man one of the first thing I thought about was the speech… My first question was – How many people?? He replied ‘Only about 140′. I promptly opened a bottle of Jack Daniel's and after recovered from the hangover, I think for every day after, I suffered from cold sweats and that sinking feeling. You know, the type you get when a Ronaldinho free kick goes over your head! However, Unlike our national team I fought back to produce this master piece!!

But mentioning the world cup, it's a good job you chose to have your wedding today and not yesterday. I don't think that the turn out would have been as good as it is today. My condolences England. And I am glad we could all be cheered up by this special occasion.

As you know, a best man's speech usually involves a collection of amusing stories of the grooms past. Apparently though there are some things you are not supposed to mention for example;
• Dennis's questionable fashion sense – Some of his old clubbing attire – shiny trousers and tight T-shirts. Oh and the things he got up to while clubbing, and after.
• Dennis's ex girlfriends – I was warned about the potentially delicate duty of keeping Dennise's Ex girlfriends at bay. However due to a bit of foot and mouth last year, this has been made considerably easier.
• And of course the stag night – but fortunately, for all those who were there, the law of stag covers that.

There is one thing however, I must get of my chest. Over the past few years I have found it hard to look the grooms parents in the eye. Dennis, this is all because of you and your dishonesty. His HI-FI was left at my parents house for almost a year after we left Nottingham University, incidentally what is where we met, that's until you could come up with a good enough story about where it came from. Do your mum and dad know exactly where it came from yet? Oh, and have you started to pay off your student loan??

Claire, do you realize how devious Dennis can be?? Well that is probably pretty hard on the old boy. Dennis has matured into a very good and reliable friend, which is probably more than I can say for myself!

Now, there very few other stories I could mention. So you will have put up with listening to my marital advise instead. However, given my track record in previous relationships, my current one excluded, thanks for putting up with me Daniela. I'm not sure I'm the best person to dish out advice! However I do have the following words of wisdom for Dennis;
• Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss…and then do everything she says <Gloves, Whip>
• Secondly, it is very important to get on with your mother in-law. A friend of my brother's didn't speak to his for almost two years! Don't get him wrong, it wasn't for lack of trying or that he did not like her. He just thought it was rude to interrupt!
• Thirdly, remember the 5 rings; The engagement ring, the wedding ring, the suffering, the torturing, and the enduring.
• Don't forget if you buy her flowers, she knows your guilty, and she will remember to the second the last time you bought her some, AND the reason why!
• Lastly, there are three words you must never forget, ‘Your right dear’.

My advice to you Claire, just remember to treat Dennis the way he deserves to be treated, a 7pm curfew probably would not be a bad idea.
• They say that men are like a good wine – they start out as grapes, its your job to crush them. You then leave them in the dark until they mature into something you would like to have dinner with.
• This being said, they also compare women to a fine wine – They start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind, then turn sour and vinegary which inevitably gives you a headache!

Now on Monday, the happy couple is of on their honeymoon. Where is it Dennis? Oh yes – Great Yarmouth. Not really Claire, he has not mentioned where you are going, but where ever it may be I'm sure you will have a great time reflecting on your actions today.… I am told that during this period I DO becomes YOU'D BETTER!
On behalf all of us, we wish you the best time whilst you are away.

Without further ado, the time has come for the penultimate part of my speech, the cards & telegrams;

<Read the Cards>

• First up, from my parents – Congratulations! Hope you both have a lovely day!
• There is one here just for Claire – Shame it did not work out for us, but if the roomers are true about Dennis, call me. And I think that one's from Robbie Williams
• Oh, and here is one for Dennis – It says, You lying cheating bastard. You said you were going to marry me! – and that one's blank !

Finally, I think you will agree that Claire looks absolutely stunning in her outfit. – not at all like a meringue. No seriously, you look beautiful. Dennis is the envy of every man in this room – hopefully apart from your dad and immediate family!

I has been an honor and a privilege to be best man today. Thanks again for letting me have the job!

Ok that's me done now time to get pisssed, over to the Groom for his speech. But first, the Toast.

Please all be standing and raise you glasses to Mr. & Mrs. Dennis Pegg!!!

To the Bride and Groom!!