Speech by Neil H

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neil H
Speech Date: 24/06/2011 14:26:02

I'm not sure who should be more nervous about this bit, me or Nikki.

Can you hear me at the back?  Don't worry if you can't. The silence from those at the front should assure you that you're not missing out on anything much.

In some cultures, its tradition for the best man's speech to last as long as the groom makes love.  To the bride and groom… (Raise glass, take a drink and sit down)

Before I really start, for those that I haven't had the privilege of meeting yet, I'm Neil, (Hello.) one of Nikki's best men.  I'd like to assure you that this speech won't be full of Carry On style, sexual innuendo jokes. Although last night I did get hold of one and wanted to slip it in but my missus told me to put it away.

Obviously the real focus of everyone's attention today is not me standing up here like a nervous, sweaty buffoon, it's Gwen, who I'm sure you will all agree looks amazing today.  And Nikki…, who knew he could scrub up so well?  He almost looks presentable for a change.  Probably because he blatantly copied my outfit. 

Most of you will be aware of Gwen's kind heart and will know about the voluntary work she and Nik did while they were travelling last year.  But that wasn't the first time Gwen has done voluntary work.  While at university in Leeds, Gwen was involved in a ‘Care in the Community’ project.  Well, that's the only explanation I can think of for Gwen agreeing to go out with Nikki in the first place!

Nikki being the conventional man that he is, decided to choose two best men.  For Hans and I, a problem shared is a problem halved.  But for Nikki, it's more like double trouble, allowing us both to have our say about him.  Didn't think that through did you mate?

Nikki Pannu, born on Wednesday 1^st August 19xx in The Queen Elizabeth hospital.  I did some research to see what other famous historical events happened that day, and found apparently it was the least eventful day in history.  Nothing happened.  No new entries into the history books.  However, I do have it on good authority that the staff on the maternity ward at the QE hospital still refer to that day as ‘funny looking baby day’.

I didn't know Nikki through his formative years, but after a quick chat with his parents, Dougy and Linda, I found that they knew on his first day at school that he was different from the other 5 year olds.  He was 11.

In reality Nikki is very well read – he has after all read all 45 of the Mr Men books from cover to cover.  (look at Nikki)  Shall I move on?

There comes a time in a man's life when he meets that special someone, his one true love, his destiny, the one person that will know and understand him, and be by his side through thick and thin for the rest of his life.  For Nikki, that special day came 16 years ago, when he met me.  I didn't realise it at the time, but that day I had met a friend for life.  I also didn't realise that that day would set the tone for our friendship, with Nikki getting us into trouble within about 30 minutes of meeting.

Nikki and I quickly bonded, and he soon introduced me to the 2 most important things in his life; his warm, welcoming and loving family, and his favourite pub.  The Black Bull was one of the few places where we could enjoy a pint at the tender age of 16.  I learned a lot more about Nikki's qualities during our time in various pubs, clubs and house parties; I learned that Nikki has no shame whatsoever.  Nikki apparently has one of those faces that random strangers like to punch, and he is able to vault Caroline's parents’ garden fence incredibly quickly at the first sign of trouble.  I also once witnessed Nikki representing Great Britain in an impromptu athletics contest on the Greek island of Kos, comfortably out sprinting an irate Greek man after Nikki had knocked his moped over.  But no matter how much trouble Nikki got into, when he wasn't quite so quick off the mark, I always tried to be there to pick up Nikki and his glasses.   I know that, if I wore glasses, Nikki would do the same for me. 

Nikki has been a true friend to me over the years, always there when there are laughs to be had, and always there when you need him.  Whenever things haven't been quite so rosy, Nikki is always willing to listen to any troubles you may have.  His response to these troubles would always be pretty much the same.  Something along the lines of ‘shut up you puff, and down your pint’, but he did listen.

When Nikki asked me to be a Best Man, I almost burst with pride and honour that he'd asked me.  And then I was almost sick at the prospect of having to make a speech.  I did however say to him that I felt that the role may be better suited to one of the other lads like Tom, Stu, Jim or John.  But Nikki said ‘no mate, they are idiots’, and so it fell to me and Hans.

Nikki, Gwen… If you both turn and face each other, and look deep into each other's eyes…  Nikki, in Gwen you have found someone who is beautiful, kind, considerate, generous and loving with a real passion for life. And Gwen, you have found someone who.… can reach high stuff.  And, statistically speaking, you are now staring at the person who is most likely to murder you while you sleep.

On behalf of Hans, myself and the bridesmaids, who look stunning by the way, I'd like to thank Nikki and Gwen for asking us to be involved in their special day. I know that, along with their families, they've both put a tremendous amount of effort in to the planning of this wedding, and I can only hope that, apart from this speech, everything else will have exceeded their expectations. 

Look at Nikki and Gwen…

On a more personal note, I'd like to thank you both; I feel as though I owe you both something.  It was while we were on holiday in Benicassim that I saw you two and just how happy a couple can be, and that was when I realised, ‘I want what they've got’.  It's only because of this moment that I went out of my way to find my special someone.  So, Nikki, Gwen, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.  Nobody else could possibly stand where I am right now and feel more proud and honoured than me to be able to represent you both on this – the most important day of your lives.  I am already looking forward to also being there helping you both celebrate your 50^th wedding anniversary.

As I've now waffled far too much, it's just about time for Hans’ solo.  I was going to end my speech with a deep, memorable and profound famous quote full of words of wisdom, but then I thought to reflect the Nikki that I know and love, something a bit more simple, yet meaningful, would be more appropriate.  Nikki, she loves you, yeah yeah yeah.  She loves you, yeah yeah yeah.  And with a love like that, you know you should be glad. 

Ladies and gentlemen, if you'd please be upstanding for the toast and raise your glasses…

To the new… Mr and Mrs xxxxxx….