Speech by Neil Kitching

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neil Kitching
Speech Date: feb 2003
Hello. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Neil, Patrick's best man.

First of all, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Patrick for his kind and generous words and for the toast that he has made to them.

I did think that following a speech by Patrick would be quite difficult, and I was right, I couldn't follow a word of it.

I'll start by saying that Rachel looks absolutely stunning today, as I'm sure you'll all agree. Unfortunately, Patrick just looks stunned!

Rachel is a lovely person and she deserves a good husband. Patrick's very lucky to have married her before she found one!!

I would like to say what a genuine honour it is to be asked to be Patrick's best man. I know I'm just one of many equally suitable people that he could have chosen and would have happily done the job.

So, what can I say about Patrick? You may know him as Paddy, Pads, Pat, Sex Kitten or even Craptrick. We met on our first day at Newman College, fifteen years ago, when we were in the same tutorial group, and have been firm friends until today.

Patrick was once described as annoying and argumentative. Well, if anyone should know him, it's his Mum! For those of you who don't know Patrick, he's intelligent, easy-going, generous, witty, annoying and argumentative.

When I was preparing this speech, I did some research and came across an old book with many different definitions regarding marriage; I'd like to read you a few.
The aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take
The altar – the place where two become one
The hymn – the celebration of the marriage
I'm sure that Rachel must have read the same book, because as she walked past us today in the church, I'm sure I heard her whispering "Aisle, Altar, Hymn, Aisle, Altar, Hymn".

A best man's speech would not be complete without some bawdy tales about the groom's past, and who am I to break with tradition? It was here that I had a problem though– such choice! Where do I start?

In the interests of completeness, let's start with the things I decided to leave out:
Patrick's “John Virgo” style pool prowess, when he launched the white ball from the table, which then took the bottom off a pint glass, depositing the contents squarely in Peter Dewhurst's lap. Great shot Paddy.
Patrick adding to the stained glass window of the Wellington after a couple of “depth charges”.
Patrick opting to telephone the police when the two of us were threatened by a spotty thirteen-year-old youth near Avenham Park. I think he said. “I've got a mobile phone and I'm not afraid to use it”.
Patrick's sudden illness in his tutor's office, whilst studying at Manchester University.
Patrick's temporary dislike of coffee, tea and other hot beverages.
Patrick's 6-day stay in the premature ejaculation ward of Preston Royal Infirmary. It was touch and go for a while.
Patrick stunning a dinner table into silence with his forthright views on women's football.
Now, I'm sure myself or any of Patrick's other friends would gladly elaborate on any of these stories later on.

So, what did I leave in? I have to mention Patrick's driving. It took him several attempts to pass his test – nothing wrong in that – but he'd already clocked up a few accidents and a speeding ticket while he had his L-plates. There are probably quite a few of us here today who have had our lives flash before us whilst travelling in a car with Patrick at the wheel. In fact, at one time, it was suggested that Patrick paint one side of his car red and the other side blue – just so that witnesses would contradict each other.

One such occasion was when Patrick reversed the car from his drive, straight into his next-door neighbour's, who was also reversing out of his drive at the time.

Another was when Patrick was coming to visit me in Nottingham and the car broke down at Derby. The man from the AA arrived and looked under the bonnet. He found the oil cap was missing, all the oil from the engine was on the inside of the bonnet and the engine had seized. When he asked if the oil light was working, Patrick replied, “Yes, definitely, it's been on since I left Preston!”

The other thing I feel I must mention is Patrick's legendary subtlety. Patrick is not one to tip toe round an issue and often casts himself in the role of devil's advocate. I'm sure he thoroughly enjoys it. Unfortunately, for about ten years, this was the technique he used to try and attract women.

With this in mind, it still worries me that when I had some “woman trouble” of my own, it was Patrick that I turned to for advice. I'd split up with my girlfriend of the time and she was after a reconciliation. She sent me a cassette of various songs aimed at getting us back together. Songs like:
James – How was it for you?
Bangles – Eternal Flame
Jennifer Rush – The Power of Love
You get the idea.

I know it was wrong, I knew it was wrong at the time, but I sent this to Patrick. By return of post I got another cassette with a short note that said, “Here Kitch, send her this.” Now, it did the trick because I never saw her again. But she kept or more likely destroyed the tape. What I can remember of the track list is something like this:
Lloyd Cole – Are you ready to be heartbroken?
The Rolling Stones – It's all over now.
The Wonderstuff – No for the thirteenth time.
The Waterboys – We will not be lovers.
And the real winner:
Julian Cope – Incredibly ugly girl.

Well, that was all a long time ago. Then came that night in Raiders when Patrick and Rachel got together. Rachel's said to have remarked that she thought, “Patrick was handsome from afar", however, she has since told me that what she actually said was “Patrick was far from handsome".

There are some cards that I‘ve been given to read, from people who are unable to attend today:

[READ CARDS]

I'm nearly finished now. I think another tradition that should be upheld, is for the best man to offer the newlyweds some advice on marriage. Not being married myself, I don't think I'm qualified for this task, so I asked my Dad and he came up with three pearls of wisdom:
First of all – Never go to bed angry – always stay up and fight.
Secondly – There are three words you must never forget, ‘You're right dear’.
Thirdly – The most effective way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once.

Now if I could be serious just for a moment. One thing I have been told is that you don't marry someone you can live with, you marry someone you can't live without. And this is obviously true for Patrick and Rachel. So without further ado, would you all please be upstanding and join me in a toast to Patrick and Rachel – “Patrick and Rachel”.