Speech by Neil Millar

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neil Millar
Speech Date: oct 2004
Brothers & Sister of the Revolution…… ooops sorry that's for tomorrow.…

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Neil and after all the years I have known him, Al has finally admitted that I am the best man.

Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank AL for his kind words, and I have to say they look absolutely wonderful and have done an excellent job today.

I've tried to memorize this speech, but forgive me if I resort to my notes every five seconds. I did ask for an auto-cue to be set up in front of me, but apparently the wedding budget doesn't stretch that far – apparently it was spent on Als new haircut.

So far today, it has been an emotional day, even I was feeling a bit choked up, mainly from Als hands around my throat, threatening to finish the job if I stuff up.
But it has been emotional – even the cake is in tiers.…

FORNICATION….Sorry …FOR AN OCCASION such as this I was terrified about making a speech….at first I was told that I had to make a speech to the bride and groom – Now, I thought this meant JUST to the bride and groom, you know, maybe off in a little room for a chat and a cup of tea. I'm a bit upset to find that I've actually got to do it in front of all you people.

Still, better get on with it…

Now, I'm sure a number of men here today have been best man at a wedding before, but how many of you have received instructions from the bride-to-be, before hand?
The conversation went something like this: “Neil – Darling, I was very pleased with myself for forcing cuddles into forcing you to be his best man. I have yearned for you for some time now and I can't think of anyone more, charming, attentive and down right sexy to fulfill this crucial role. But I do want you to remember that this is my big day and I'll probably only get the chance to do this once or twice more so I don't want anything to spoil it. With this in mind I have some rules.
Do not get drunk
Do not get Al drunk – sorry mate !
Do not Swear
Do not make fun of the size of Als manhood
Do not mention his inability to adequately perform
Please try to keep your clothes on; it's not fair on me or the rest of the girls here.
Finally, whatever you do, do not let Al dance or set fire to anything

Thanks Jo, but there's no chance – I have requested Dexies midnight runners on the dance floor later on.

But Apparently my main duty is to give you all an introduction to the groom, talking about the crazy Juvenile antics, the scrapes with law, the boozy all-day sessions, the calming influence of the bride, how she struggled to tame her man, with his ape like urges and his approach to life with a certain ‘gay abandon’ – (AL we will come to the ‘Gay Abandon’ a little later).
Well I think all went well this morning in getting AL ready for his big day. The condemned man ate a solid, hearty breakfast and arrived at the church on time and sober.

The only disappointment would have to be failing to arrange his last request as a single man, but this was due to strong protests from the do-gooders at the Sheep Welfare Council.

I think we all agree that Jo looks like one in a million today, and that AL looks – well he looks like he was won in a raffle.
But – In Jo I think you will agree, Al found someone not only Gorgeous,
• But intelligent
• Sophisticated
• Trustworthy
• Organized
• And fundamentally a decent person

And in return Jo got – Well Jo got Al.
I suppose I should start at the beginning of when I first met Al – I guess it must have been a good few years ago because I remember Al still had a full head of hair complete with a pony tail..… I think he still has the pony tail somewhere – I think he is keeping it as a family “hair loom”..…

The first time I met Al he looked like he was late for an Iron Maiden concert, complete with the pony tail, smelly clothes, unwashed faced and complete grunge look – well I suppose we should be grateful that at least the pony tail has now gone.…

Al & I quickly became good drinking buddies during our time at university – realizing that Beer was the solution to all of our problems and stresses

So after a few years at University – Al considered himself to be a true man of the world – especially after 6 pints of Stella – and I think this is where he gets his natural ability to talk absolute nonsense to strangers – usually the strangers that sit at the end of a bar muttering to themselves and dribbling….I think that was how he met Jo……!
Now obviously this hectic social diary that Al kept for us, the three Ps in the afternoon – Pint, Pizza, Pool – Pre-aperitifs in the evening at the Vaults pub, and then heavy socializing later at the BV Pub had some slight side affects – some of these included Al singing at the top of his voice whilst playing a guitar to the lyrics to one of our Physics Tutorials to try to impress the ladies… although for some reason they were never impressed with the beautiful vocals that Al sung about a 3KW kettle and the amount of amps it used….that one took a while to live down..…

As I got to know Al – I quickly realized what a colorful and happy go lucky go character he is…Al is normally the guy in the pub with the funny voices, funny dances (wait till later) and of course his gripping story telling abilities – like his story about one bored Sunday night, two very strong magnets and a pair of pliers – I will let Al fill you in on the details later – but suffice as to say that after the incident he walked like he had just got off a horse..…

He has always been a true friend to me all the years I have known him though… like the time he helped me just so I didn't have to walk to my lectures – so he broke my ankle for me……

After one busy day at University – In the pub – Al & I staggered home complete with kebabs to ponder on how to put the world to rights… well after a lengthy discussion, I have to admit I was feeling tired (he does go on a bit – although I think Jo might disagree with that…..). But Al sensed I was falling asleep and decided to wake me up by starting a toy fight……..well it certainly had the desired effect, before I knew it I was wide awake with Als bum on my face – After I GAINED THE ADVANTAGE, AL decided that I was awake enough and called an end to the fight……

On his way out of the room however Al decided he couldn't handle the defeat..… so he launched himself across the room in a Tom & Jerry/Bruce Lee kind of attack……well with Als full 12 stone landing on me (he was a lot thinner in those days) we both heard my ankle give way with a crack….so I think Al did win the fight after all……although you might see us having the rematch tonight on the dance floor……

But he then proved his true worth as a friend (or someone with a guilty conscious) he took me to hospital..… Put me in a wheel chair and propelled me around the hospital, ensuring that I wouldn't wait long to see someone by freewheeling me past the security guards at 40mph….…

When I got home hospital he even went shopping for me, made my dinners (it was very romantic) ALs specialty – Soup with crisps in … He even went to my lectures… although he wasn't perfect; he wouldn't help me when I needed to go to the toilet..…

I could go on at this point about Als abilities with the ladies and all of the his past exploits, but I don't really want to be up here all day, so, suffice to say it looks like 57 was your lucky number after all Al..…

I could also go on about all of the funny stories like:
the time Al broke his hand trying to fix the fire Alarm with his fist,
the time he realized that wet shaving his head after drinking all night wasn't a good idea,
falling asleep in the middle of the road after a night on the beer wasn't his best idea;
or the time we both went on a pub crawl in Rhyl with a brand new computer printer under our arms.…
or even the consequence of eating Als sweets – Jo?

But to be honest I would be up here most of the day and Jo might start getting second thoughts.…
Well, after I left University, and Al stayed, I think he got lonely – and needed a drinking partner – which is where I think Jo comes into the story…… Obviously being the female of the species Jo was not on the same drinking level as Al or I – but being the kind of guy he is, Al was committed to training Jo how to drink – and I have to say that after Jos’ antics on the joint Stag and Hen Doo – Al has done himself proud – I learnt some new words from that weekend…… and never knew what a blow up man was for before…think you might have some competition Al.…

After University Al decided it was time to settle down, get a hair cut and get a job – oh sorry scrub the hair cut bit..…

Al & Jo then started on the wonderful road that is courtship.… unfortunately Jos road of courtship led to Australia… so off she went to see the world and left poor Al behind (everyone say ahhhh).… Al being the impulsive kind of guy he is, decided 3 months later that he missed Jo too much and decided to follow her to Australia (everyone say ahhhh).…

I have to say that I thought this was big move for Al and it was at this point that I realized how much Jo meant to him – I will never forget the pale, rabbit in the headlights look that Al had when Stu and I met him in Heathrow Airport just before he was to get on a plane for 24 hrs…..…

So Al met Jo in Oz and off they went on their travels together, and they had a lovely romantic time, staying in a small cramped hot tent with a tiny stove for cooking, nearly getting caught in floods, getting bitten half to death by the insect wildlife and loading a car up in the middle of the night and performing a great escape from a mad landlady……
But I think their time in Australia proves that they can achieve anything when they are together, because as you know Al can't achieve anything when he is on his own.… Only joking.…

So, before I finish I'd like to ask Al and Jo to participate in the speech now. Jo if I can ask you to place your right hand flat on the table…Al, If you would like to place your left hand directly on top of Jos’…..Enjoying that Al? Make the most of it as it is the last time you'll have the upper hand.

Before I get my coat I have a little advice for you Al.
Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss…and then do everything that she says!!

Secondly, never be afraid that she will leave you, she's spent years molding you into the perfect accessory, so she not going to want to start all over again!!

Thirdly, never forget to say those 3 little words at least once a day for the rest of your life – “You're right dear”

So I will just finish with some telegrams from people that can't be here

Jo, he's rubbish in every position, hope you have more luck – The All-stars Football Team.

Al, great pool party, sorry I can't be there – Michael Barrymore

Jo, you are up to your limit on you store card, please make a payment immediately – Anne Summers, not sure who she is.

Al, hope you like your new perky copulator – sorry – Coffee Peculator – love Rupert

And the last one – Jo, I truly hope that this will be a day held dearest in your heart for the rest of your life! But you know its funny how history tends to repeats itself.… 30 odd years ago your parents were putting you to sleep with a dummy, and now it's happening all over again! – Love Geraldine.

But seriously
Al & Jo – You mean more to all of us here than We could ever say, it would be a huge understatement to say ‘We wish you well in everything……… and I hope you both, Enjoy this day as the first day of the rest of your life together’
Ladies and gentleman please join me in Wishing Aled & Jocasta the very best for their new life together.

To Aled & Jocasta.