Speech by Neil Norton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neil Norton
Speech Date: oct 2003
Speech

Intro

I'm a bit nervous so you'll have to bear with me – the last time I stood up to talk in front of a group of people I was found guilty and fined £500.00!! Which was nice.

Firstly, can I just say that it's wonderful to see so many of you here today, it always amazes me how far some people will travel for a free lunch.

Ladies and gentleman for those of you who don't know me my name is Neil Norton and I am the “The Best Man” I can't tell you how happy I was to be forced into being Steve's best man, but the £50 he agreed to pay me, makes up for it. So I'd like to thank Steve for asking me and I'd also like to thank Claire for allowing him to ask me.

Thanks

I know it's already been said but I'd like to start by thanking the bridesmaids and pageboys. They look fantastic today and did a wonderful job and I'm sure that both Steve and Claire will consider using them again in the future!!.

I'd also like to thank the families for all their help and support, and especially our fashion co-ordinator Julie, who worked endlessly to ensure we all look so fashionable today. I assure you her task was not easy. She also made these rather lovely – erm – pink bits – so thank you.

I trust you will all agree that Claire looks absolutely stunning today and makes a perfect bride. Steve on the other hand just looks stunned ! He's probably still in shock that Claire said yes, and erm – so am I !! Steve has actually scrubbed up quite well too, considering the state he was in last night. For someone who doesn't drink I think 8 vodka's plus whatever was stuck in whilst he wasn't looking was pretty good going.

History

So what can I say about the groom, He's witty, intelligent, charming, and, (lean over to Steve) sorry Steve, I can't read your writing!!

Steve and I have known each other for about 10 years and met though our love of kicking people really hard in the name of sport. This means that I can't tell you much about his childhood, I did try to get some information on this, but the police refused to disclose his records.

I did find the odd report card, (produce report card) one of which said “Steve is an ideal student who has excelled at most subjects” however, after I'd scratched off the tippex it actually said, “Steve is an idol student who was expelled from most subjects”

So I turned to his work mates for some inspiration and they said, “Steve is a god” which I thought was nice, if not a bit dramatic, but they went on to say: “as in you can never see him, he makes his own rules and if he does any work it's a bloody miracle”.

This is usually the moment that most grooms cringe as the best man starts to “dish the dirt”. However Steve's past has very little in the way of dirt. Of course there is his outrageous upper body dance moves (which you will probably see tonight and would be advised to stay well back.

There was also a rather odd obsession with a four-poster bed and a room full of mirrors, and a strange fascination with Star Trek. But the only real area of concern was his choice in girlfriends, which to be fair was absolutely awful. Harsh but True Steve. These are some of the highlights in no particular order: I only know the first one as ” the girl who cried a lot” I don't think they were together that long, but whilst they were she was always worrying that he would dump her, and she was right. But for some reason he preferred to do this from my mums phone, and this went on to become a bit of a habit.

Next we have “ The witch “I won't lie to you, she scarred the hell out of me. I swear she was only a foot tall and she dressed completely in black, nails, eyeliner, lippy, if it was dark you could never find her. Another phone call from my mums soon put an end to that.

Then “The most miserable girls in the world“ aptly named “the happy twins” the title says it all. I rather expected to see them on C.N.N. having been arrested on some sort on fanatical terrorist charge. 3 months on and a couple of calls from the Norton residence would see an end to that.

At some point there was a spell with a mad Japanese bird that for once didn't end in with a phone call, but the best by far was “The bird who passed out a lot” who I found out last night was called Natalie. She had some medical condition that meant when it was warm she would collapse. It was really funny for the first 6 or 7, in fact it was funny every time, but the down side was that she always insisted on driving herself to the pub and after she passed out I had to drive her crappy car home. I think it was me who insisted that he made that call!!

And then there was Claire, we weren't holding out much hope so you can imagine our surprise when he introduced his friends to a fit bird who could drink. It was like a breath of fresh air.

Considering this list I'm absolutely amazed that he managed to pull a girl like Claire.

Maybe you had your guard down – we know you like your drink! Or maybe it was Steve's strange and more often than not – insulting chat up lines that you couldn't resist. Oh fatty, now then ugly and get bent are just a few of them, but more worryingly, hi darling, now then sexy and hello lover, is how he would greet the boys.

Being best man gives me a license to abuse my friend, but as Claire is also a friend I think it would be unfair to leave her out. You see, Claire too is not without fault. Her love of shopping causes all kinds of problems and her constant need for extra wardrobe space was the reason they had to get a 3 bed roomed house. Or now as it's known a “1 bed roomed house with two large walk in wardrobes”. There even considering adding a downstairs wardrobe! Absolutely Amazing – it's known as a conservatory to you and I.

I heard that she recently had her credit cards stolen, but neither her dad nor Steve wanted to report it as the spending on it was cut by half.

I found out recently that Steve and Claire are budding photographers, (a very long pause and a wink a the bride) which is nice, but I think the least said about that today the better.

I did a bit of research and I found out that nothing spectacular happened the year Steve was born which could explain why he's here today. Interestingly though, the year later the started producing the birth control pill – in huge amounts !!.

I was talking to Steve this morning, you know calming nerves and all that – my nerves, not his and I asked him what he wanted out of this marriage he replied, love, happiness and good health. When I asked Claire the same question earlier she said a holiday and a bigger wardrobe!!

Rules

Now, I'm sure a number of men here today have been best man at a wedding before, but how many of you have received instructions from the bride-to-be, before hand?

The conversation went something like this: “Neil – Darling, I was very pleased with myself for forcing cuddles into forcing you to be his best man. I have yearned for you for some time now and I can't think of anyone more, charming, attentive and down right sexy to fulfil this crucial role. But I do want you to remember that this is my big day and I'll probably only get the chance to do this once or twice more so I don't want anything to spoil it. With this in mind I have some rules.

Do not get drunk

Do not get Steve drunk – sorry mate !

Do not Swear

Do not make fun of the size of Steve's manhood

Do not mention his inability to adequately perform

Please try to keep your clothes on; it's not fair on me or the rest of the girls here.

Finally, whatever you do, do not let Steve dance

Thank you Claire, but there's no chance.

Advice

Before I get my coat I have a little advice for you Steve.

Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss…and then do everything that she says!!

Secondly, never be afraid that she will leave you, she's spent years moulding you into the perfect accessory, so she not going to want to start all over again !!

Thirdly, never forget to say those 3 little words at least once a day for the rest of your life – “You're right dear”

Cards

Steve, I'll miss you, with love – Michael Barrymore

Claire, he's rubbish in every position, hope you have more luck – The All-stars Football Team.

Steve, will you be renewing your subscription? – From Big and Bouncy- nice.

Neil, I want you – Kylie

Claire, you are up to your limit on you store card, please make a payment immediately – Anne Summers, not sure who she is.

Ending

On that note Ladies and gentleman, could you please join me in raising your glasses to Claire & Steve, they are truly made for each other and make the perfect bride and groom.