Speech by Neil Reader

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neil Reader
Speech Date: Jan2005
Typical, It's the first time Neil's ever bought me dinner and I'm too bloody nervous to eat it!!!!! And believe me, this isn't the first time I've risen from a warm seat with some paper in my hand!

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Neil and my surname is “what you drinking”……… Please therefore do not hesitate to call me by my full name when you see me at the bar later today.

Firstly I would like to apologise for the delivery of this speech. I have only practised this twice before. Once was in Alcoholic Anonymous, the second time was Weight Watchers clinic.… Therefore I would like to apologise to the Ushers (Adam and Stuart) for hearing this for the third time !

The best bit of advice I received about making a Best Man's speech was that it should only last as long as it takes the groom to make love- So Ladies and gentlemen, thank you and good night! (sit down for a couple of seconds)….… If only it wasn't true…

Actually that was quite comfortable sitting down there… I've got new shoes on and they are absolutely killing me..… would anybody mind if I take my shoes off.… (show a pair of kiddies shoes from beneath the table and throw them over your shoulder..) That's better !!!!

Seriously, I'd like to thank everyone for coming today to celebrate the marriage of Neil and Emma..… Personally I wish you'd all stayed at home so I didn't have to do this!!

I'd also like to thank Neil on behalf of our lovely bridesmaid Jo for his kind words. Jo has been a great help in todays events and I think you will all agree that she looks terrific today.

Also I think you will all agree with me Ladies and Gentleman that Emma looks absolutely fantastic today…….… She looks like one in a million… whereas Neil looks as though he's been won in a raffle !!

I must also say it has not only been a memorable day but a truly emotional occasion as well..… it was so emotional earlier on that even the cake was in tears!

I have carried out many tasks for Neil over the last couple of weeks in my role as best man but most importantly getting Neil to bed in one piece last night. I can confirm that he was safely in bed, relatively sober and slept like a baby:…..he wet the bed twice and woke every hour crying for his mum !!

Another one of my primary tasks was to ensure no angry ex-girlfriends were in attendance today… Well no worries on this front as majority of them are no longer with us following the Foot & Mouth epidemic a couple of years ago.

I've known Neil for over 15 years now when we worked together at the same company Sedgwick. Neil worked in the Norwich office and I was in the London office. During his time in Norwich he developed the nickname Lardy. You may have heard reference to such today but the majority of the Cargo / Specie Insurance markets (together with numerous friends Neil has made over the years in London) only know Neil as Lardy.

I am not entirely sure why he is called Lardy but this question was put to Neil in front of 50/60 people on a night out whilst celebrating his 30th birthday.… Neil's drunken response was..… Cos I used to be Fat !! Well, this nickname followed Neil down from Norwich when he joined the London team in 1996.

We used to have 4 Neil's in the London office and therefore nicknames were used all the time. They were Speedy (myself), Willy, Lardy and Specky Twat…… I guess Neil could have been called by another one of these nicknames but Lardy was already set.

I didn't know Neil at school so I've had to rely on his own version of events regarding his education. Neil has told me that he was an exceptionally gifted student at school, well liked by all the teachers and fellow students and was top of the class in English, Maths, Science and Physical Education where he excelled at team sports. Apparently his excellence in team events greatly assisted his street gang the “Kessingland Kids” against the likes of the Coleman Brothers when they used to get together for their Annual Fire Work fight !

Apparently the Kessingland Kids used to strike fear into the community of Lowestoft but they had strong beliefs of trying to get rid of all bullies in the area. Even though they used to ride around on their bikes tormenting local residents with Snappers, their man priority was to track down the bullies and run them out of town. They even had their own poem which went as follows:-

The Kessingland Kids aim to do well
Duff up the bullies, and kick them to hell

Apparently one day they did come across some local bullies and the Kessingland Kids fled off in all directions !

Actually, Neil had a couple of problems with bikes in his youth. There was one particular occasion whereby Neil thought he would steal his brother's Paul bike. Paul went running after him screaming “Stop… Stop” Well as Neil being the oldest of the three brothers thought “No Way… or words to that effect” Paul continued running after Neil screaming “Neil Please you must stop”..… Neil was now thinking I am definitely not going to Stop now.… Paul continued running after him and then shouted “Neil Stop… that bike hasn't got any Brakes !!!!!!” Apparently Neil's face was a picture of Shock and Horror and allegedly still has the burn marks on the soles of his feet today !

Also, during an “Evil Knievel’ type ramping contest with the rest of the Kessingland Kids, Neil attempted a rather big jump on a Lady Shopper bicycle. Neil took a huge run up and then hit the ramp flat out..… Whilst in mid-air Neil hadn't realised that the seat of this bike was no longer horizontal but now in fact vertical………………….… 5 minutes later Neil picked himself up off the floor and crawled to his house. I understand to say that Neil's nether region was black and blue would be a major understatement and to Neil's horror, Margaret invited Neil's friends in to inspect his injuries…….… After the laughter had subsided, Margaret rushed him off to doctors and Emma will be pleased to know there should not be any lasting damage..… but Neil was obviously deeply disappointed to establish that the swelling was not going to be permanent !

Neil left school at 16 whereupon he joined the Sedgwick Cargo Department as a trainee insurance clerk. Judging by Neil's earlier version of his schooling years, I would have thought this may have been a major disappointment to Neil's parents as such an excellent school record should of surely warranted a job worthy of a Harley Street Doctor or England Football captain.

Seriously, Neil's parents (and Emmas parents) can be proud of Neil. He is a very well liked, highly successful individual within the Insurance Industry and I'm sure all his friends and colleagues here today will agree with me on this one.…

Somebody else who also viewed Lardy very highly was the manager of the Wimpy Takeaway Restaurant in Chelmsford. After Neil decided to leave Norwich for the bright lights of London, Neil wasn't getting home early enough for his Tea ! Therefore Mr Wimpy was seeing a lot of Neil and the chef would even recognise him in the queue and immediately starting cooking a Large Cheese Quarter Pounder with Chips..…
Unfortunately this restaurant had to close a couple of years ago due to poor takings..… Funnily enough about the same time as Neil and Emma got together.… However, I understand that Neil bumped into the former Manager a couple of months ago who enquired whether Neil would consider allowing them to do the Catering for today's event. Neil was obviously keen and the menu was even drafted but thankfully he thought best not to run this past Emma. But for those interested, the proposed menu was as follows:-

Starter: Leek and Potato Soup replaced with a Mini Cheeseburger.
Main Course: Roast Beef and all the trimmings replaced with an All Day Breakfast and/or a Bender in a Bun !
Desert – Profiteroles in a butterscotch sauce replaced with Knickerbocker Glory and/or a
Brown Derby !

And finally Coffee and Mints which you are currently enjoying was being replaced with a Cup of Tea and a Toasted TeaCake !

I think you will agree, Neil chose wisely not to propose this to Emma !

We've had the odd night out over the years. One springs to mind when Neil left Sedgwick to join one of our main competitors Willis. It was Neil's leaving drink and when the pub threw us out at 11pm, Neil declined to continue drinking with T-Shirt and myself at our flat in Wapping as he wanted to head home to feed the cat (I don't think the cat had been fed all week and Neil was feeling a bit guilty..… for those who have seen Mini, I think you will agree that a crash-course in dieting wouldn't have gone a miss anyway !)

Nevertheless, I was awoken three and a half hours later by a telephone call from Neil asking if he could stay at our flat (this was after he'd already woken Paul Martin (sitting over there) asking whether he could stay at his…… I'm sure Paul was well impressed when Neil called him back 10 minutes later to say “Don't worry, I'm now staying at Speedy's !!).

Well, thirty minutes later Lardy arrived at our flat cursing and swearing that he must of fallen asleep and the train must of gone to the top of the line and then returned back to Liverpool Street Station. In fact what really happened was that there was a total black out at Liverpool Street Station and the train hadn't moved an inch ! He had been asleep on the train for well over three hours and was in such a deep sleep that the guards left him and closed the station for the night. Apparently Neil had to scale a 10 foot fence to get out of the station but we reckon this was probably only nearer four foot ! Bit like his 15.5 inch neck size..…

The following morning T-Shirt came into my room and asked “Did Lardy leave us when the pub shut last night”.… “Yes I replied”..… T-Shirt's response was “Well who is the ugly bastard on our settee downstairs that looks like Lardy?”

A month or so later which I believe was during Neil's gardening leave between jobs, Neil & T-Shirt decided they needed a holiday. They consulted various holiday brochures for hours and decided upon Magaluf. For those who are not aware where Magaluf is this is in Majorca, Spain, and is renown for hundreds of bars & nightclubs and frequented by thousands of young British teenagers every summer.
After spending four days in the same bar playing pool and drinking heavily they decided they should really try and meet some girls. Off they went to a Night-club. They spotted a couple of girls at the bar and asked them ‘if they could buy them a drink ?’ After the fifth Double Vodka and Red Bull they had bought one of girls asked “how old they were…..” Catching them somewhat unaware they simply replied that they were 29 & 32…… One of the girl's reaction was instant and a crushing blow to their newly found confidence.…

“Arrhhh” she shrieked.… “You're the same age as my Step-Dad !!”

That was the last time they went Nightclubbing on that holiday.

As I mentioned earlier, Neil left Sedgwick to join Willis where he was very successful, travelled the world and where he met Emma. I guess Emma may of taken a dislike to Neil at first being that he is a Norwich City fan and Emma being an Ipswich Town fan. In fact I understand that when Emma first cast her eyes over him she commented that he was “A Strange Looking Bloke” She was also a little concerned as to whether he was some sort of pervert as he always used to go over and talk to Emma and the other office girls just when they were getting ready for a girlie night out.…

Well it didn't take long for Neil to work his magic and they were soon dating and decided to buy a house together in Chelmsford. Even though Neil and Emma do still currently live in Chelmsford, they spend a lot of their time up here in Ipswich. Emma has 2 great friends in Jo and Stuart who also live here in Ipswich who instantly became friends with Neil.

I remember Stuart telling me that he was quite wary about meeting Neil for the first time as he'd heard that Neil headed up a team of people within a major International Insurance Brokers and was constantly travelling the world on business.… Stuart didn't know what to expect.…
Well later that afternoon after Neil had drank and eaten Jo and Stuart out of house and home, including no doubt after breaking one of their garden chairs, glasses or plates, they realised what a top bloke he is and was very pleased with Emma's choice of boyfriend. In fact, I understand that Jo and Stuart soon got married after Neil came on the scene.. Their decision to get married was hurried along due to Neil constantly breaking their plates, glasses and furniture and therefore such items were needed to be replaced via their Wedding List !

To conclude Neil's background regarding work, last September Neil re-joined Sedgwick (which has now merged with a company called Marsh). He had 3 months gardening leave before returning to his old department. In fact, we've worked it out that Neil has spent more time in his garden over the past couple years than Alan Titchmarsh !

Stag Do – Well we didn't have only the one stag do… or two… not even three… but we actually had four. The first was a long weekend in Benidorm, the second was a day at The Oval watching England play cricket, the third was an evening up here in Ipswich and the forth was an evening out in London. Obviously I can not divulge what occurred on such events but what I can say is that Lardy dressed up in a Matador outfit whilst we were in Benidorm and at the cricket was not for fashion reasons. I just wish I had a photograph of John Major's face when he walked past us while we were.outside the wine tent at the Oval. He glanced over… stared at Lardy for a second and then walked off shaking his head in ! I guess the sight of Neil in his Matador outfit, guzzling wine, with 9 blokes standing around him all with a picture of Neil on their backs when he was about 16 complete with Chuck Norris style glasses and mullet hair-cut, is not something you see every day of the week !

I have some telegrams here –

One is from the Coleman Brothers – Wishing you both all the best for the future. Unfortunately we are unable to be there with you today as we are delivering mini-rockets to the kids in the Lowestoft area.

Another one from the ex-manager of the Wimpy Takeaway Restaurant in Chelmsford – Have a great day and thanks Neil for allowing me to do the food for the buffet this evening !

Also one here from Neil to Emma……… . Sorry you haven't received your wedding gift from me yet… but don't worry I'll make sure I give you one later !!!!!!!!!!

Finally, I would like to conclude this speech with a little story which always brings a smile to my face. It involves an email which was doing the rounds regarding a Kentucky Fried Chicken scandal. Apparently a number of their Chickens were Genetically Modified and did not have any beaks or feathers….… I think it might of even made the national newspapers..… well Lardy sent a response to this email and it simply read.…

“I couldn't care or less…… I don't want any beaks or feathers in my bargain bucket anyway !”

Right that's about it, as the ArchBishop of Canterbury would say when concluding his sermons, that's enough of this rubbish, I'm off to the bar to get battered !!!!!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen, for those that still can, please stand and raise your glasses, I give you Neil and Emma……..