Speech by Neil Sherman

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neil Sherman
Speech Date: oct 2003
Ladies and gentlemen, I am sure you will all agree that this has turned out to be a lovely wedding celebration so far, unfortunately every silver lining has a cloud and here I am, the bestman, Neil and case any of you were unaware, I am Kevin's older brother.

I was going to spend a few moments today to tell a few tales about Kevin. Unfortunately he made me promise not to mention certain skeletons in his closet, which I confess did surprised me, as I though he would have been more concerned about me mentioning the monsters in his bed.

But, Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids, I would like to thank Kevin for his kind words and re-iterate how wonderful the bridesmaids all look and what a important role they have performed.

I would also like to make a specific mention to my little nephew Ethan, who has done a great job today, without really understanding what was going on, but is grateful for all the attention all the same, and of course the present he just received.

He did ask me to mention a few words for him before I get started, so here goes

“Ladies and gentlemen, although I am only 4 and a half, I am already quite a little beer drinker and can already drink my Uncle Kevin under the table. So if anyone fancies buying me a cold one, in the interests of licensing laws I would be grateful if you would send it to me care of my uncle Neil.”

When I discovered that I was going to be best man today, I decided to look on the Internet. After a couple of hours I found some really good stuff, but then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for best man tips not surfing for porn.

Well eventually I found a site and was intrigued to find out exactly what my role was here today. Apparently the best mans duty's include

To bring a chequebook or credit card for forgotten payment – no problem

To help the groom dress – well if he doesn't know how to do that by now then I shall have words with my mum

To ensure the groom uses the toilet – he has certainly needed no help there – it was just lucky there was plenty of paper in!

A potentially delicate and unpleasant duty is of keeping ex-girlfriends at bay. – thankfully this has been made easy for two reasons

There aren't that many frankly

The government foot and mouth cull last year seems to have worked a treat and saved me the trouble.

Finally to ensure that Kevin made it to the ceremony on time and in a fit and proper state. As you can see this was achieved, this is because I stayed with Kevin last night and can assure you that Kevin was in bed early and slept like a baby…….that is he wet the bed twice and woke up crying for his mummy.

Writing a speech about your brother is believe it or not, is very difficult, there is soo much I wanted to say, like the time I got home from work early to find Kevin in a compromising position in front the TV with a box a tissues and a bottle of baby oil – or the time…no I can't mention that one.

Unfortunately, the real gems will have to go down as sibling secrets, how else am I going to blackmail him out his pension later on in life?, but I have been know to be a bit loose with my tongue when I have had a few – I will leave that with you, you know where the bar is.

But some things I think I can happily mention like his fear of spiders.

One particular occasion sprung to mind when his fear got the better of him. He was helping my mother out in the local video shop one night when he went to use the toilet, whilst merrily peeing away he noticed a big eight-legged shadow on the wall.

Now he did not now at the time, but his shadow was infact caused by him missing the toilet entirely with his aim and hitting the wall (now Gail assures me that he has got better these days and only hits the seat!)

Anyway, filled with fear he rushed and panicked and in the commotion he zipped himself up, but forgot to put it away, Now I know most male eyes are now watering, as was Kev's at the time.

Well I feel sure that if it were not for the quick actions of an off duty nurse in the shop at the time, this service would have been carried out by a rabbi.

Kevin's schooling came and went with out even a detention or GCSE pass, giving college a miss he went on to work in the big wide world.

It was whilst working at burger king that Kevin came up with his most successful chat up line,

According to reliable sources, on an evening out with the lads he would approach a lucky lady and utter the words “don't I know you from somewhere, haven't I seen you in burger king?”

It was at this point in Kevin's life that his eye sight deteriorated to the pint of near blindness, he was shaving the palms of his hands twice a day and the cat left home.

Five long years of female famine passed as he moved from job to job, not realising that the chat up line he was using was well a bit crap.

It was at his next job at Great mills he earned himself the nickname GOD, well I personally was quite shocked when I heard that knowing Kevin as I do, until some one elaborated and it all became clear.

you never saw him
if he did any work it would be a miracle.

After working for a time as a convienence store manager, he left to work at Millets, this was where he changed his chat up line and to everyone's surprise, including Gail's it worked and lucky for us here today it did.

Now as my little nephew mocked earlier, Kevin's drinking skills are that of legend, in that he has none, Kevin will sit in a pub all night and never have an empty glass – because he never finishes his first drink.

Also he very studious at never getting to the bar first, but today ladies and gentlemen, he has promised to be a generous host, and buy his fair share and in order to help him with his promise, I've nicked his wallet.

The stag do was a messy affair.

During the day we had a pool tournament and in the evening graced Taunton's nightlife night dressed in drag.

I need to make some specific mention here for Scott Chidgy, who won the pool tornament, due to his opponent, yours truly having twice as many ball on the table – or was that the alcahol? – so to the winner, please let me present this no expenses spared trophy.

Second mention to Barry for negotiating such a good rate at the pool hall, and the chaps at the pool hall for buggering up and charging us only 25% of the price instead of giving us 25% off! – and to show my appreciation, I have bought Barry a small gift.

Thirdly, how could I not mention Andy, for lending me an outfit for the night (I am still questioning why he has a wardrobe of womens cloths) and for getting us kicked out the first pub within 30 mins for using the womens toilet! – So that has also earned him a gift – and what a lot of use I think he will get out of these!

And finally a special mention also for your truly for being the last man standing….just, and for getting a ride in a police car!

Kevin by the way drank enough to give him a two day hangover – so about 4 pints, but it was nice to see him out and I have the photo's with me if anyone want to see what a beauty he looked.

Now on to the telegrams and cards, and there are a couple for you Kevin.

Kevin I will miss your strong arm and will never forget our intimate night by the pool lots of love Michael Barrymore

Dear Sir, Your application for a Willie enlargement has been declined as we do not have instruments sensitive enough for something that small Yours faithfully Harley Street Enlargement specialists

Dear Kevin, Your membership has been confirmed for 12 issues of gay and proud and you complimentary dildo is in the post Yours truly, G.A.Y publications.

Now, not being married myself, I decided to ask a few happily married men for some advice to give Kevin, unfortunately I couldn't find any, but some married men did offer these words

The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once
A man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man, A man who gives in when he is right is married
Never go to bed angry….always stay up and argue

In conclusion, I'd like to just say, that Kevin, you are a brilliant brother, a real gentleman, and it has been a real honour to be your best man today.

Gail is a wonderful lady and deserves a good husband, so thank god you married her before she found one.

Now it gives me great pleasure in asking everyone to be upstanding and raise your glasses in a toast to the New Mr & Mrs Sherman, and wish them a long and happy life together.

Ladies and gentlemen

Kevin and Gail