Speech by Neil Stark

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neil Stark
Speech Date: Nov 2001
INTRODUCTION:
Good afternoon everyone, I'm Neil and I'm the best man. I must confess this is a nerve-wracking experience. I can also assure you this isn't the first time today I've stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

It is my honour to share a few moments with you all today.

THANKS:
I'd like to thank everyone on behalf of the bride and groom, for sharing their wedding day, particularly those who have traveled long distances. Personally, I wish you'd all stayed at home, because things would have been a lot, lot easier on me.

BRIDESMAID/USHERS:
Before I begin with Fraser's character assassination, I would just like to say that Jo looks stunning and has performed her role to perfection. Thanks are due to the ushers, Evan, Ben and John for having a wash, putting on a tie and remembering to shave.

I've already congratulated the Groom. I said to him Fraser; you'll always look back on this as the happiest day of your life. However that was 5 weeks ago on his stag Night.

BARBARA:
When Barbara learnt that I was to be Fraser's Best Man she told me in no uncertain terms that she would not be amused if he arrived at the church late and/or hungover. Bearing this mind I took Fraser out for a couple of quiet drinks with a few of his friends last night, as it was his last night of freedom. We got back to the hotel and Fraser went to bed and slept like a baby. He wet the bed twice and woke every hour crying for his mum.

After a couple of stiff ones this morning (drinks that is) we made it to the church on time, and Fraser was not too hungover.

Given Fraser's track record of public drunkenness and lateness I think I did quite well..…

STORIES:
Some of you know that Fraser is to be my best man next year. It should be noted that I asked him first and then he announced his wedding was to be six months before mine. I suspect he thought this would make me go easy on him today, in fear of what he might say about me.

SORRY Fraser.…

I would like to share with Fraser's new family some of the many reasons why you probably don't want to invite him back to South Africa.

1. Never expect to see him until he actually arrives……

At the end of the second year of our university degree, we had a night out to celebrate the end of another year of doing as little as possible, and to look forward to the three months of doing even less that was the summer break. As Fraser lived at home in Kirkcaldy at this time, he was planning to stay in Edinburgh in the flat of another friend, John, who is here with us today.

He did not make it back to John's flat that evening. The less said about that the better. Unfortunately he had a job interview at a whisky company the following morning at 10am. John was very concerned that Fraser might miss this interview, so he cycled half way across Edinburgh to the whisky company, with his suit, shirt, tie and shoes in a bag, hoping to catch Fraser there. He was talking to another interviewee from our degree course when he heard the receptionist take a call from a Mr Cleave who explained that his Grandmother had suddenly taken ill and he couldn't make the interview.

When an exhausted John finally made it back to his flat, there was Fraser perched on a garden wall at the bottom of the street, grinning like a Cheshire cat………

To this day, Fraser has never informed his Gran that she was ill that day……

2. If he gets there at all ….…

Last year, Fraser, Barbara and Barbara's parents Shirley and Alan, were spending some time in Edinburgh, and staying at my parent's house. Fraser had to fly to Paris on Monday morning to interview a potential new employee. He had to be at the airport at 7am. Over breakfast, my mother asked him if he had everything. “Oh yes” replied Fraser. Everything went smoothly, and he got in a cab at 630am. An hour or so later, there was a knock on the door. When my mother opened the door, there was Fraser, who uttered the immortal words “Wrong EFFING Passport.”

Not only had he taken Barbara's passport, but also he had left his in Leeds, almost 200 miles away. He got a train to Leeds, picked up the passport and then eventually got a flight to Paris.

These events took place shortly after Fraser transferred out of his employers Global Logistics department…..…

3. He is incredibly untidy…..…

Fraser has always been incredibly untidy, and nowhere has his talent for mess, been better demonstrated than in his car. I often hitched a ride in his first car, a pleasant chocolate brown Nova. On one occasion, while he was driving he asked me to find a tape, which he believed was on the floor behind the passenger seat. As I felt around looking for it, I found something metallic, which I picked up. To my surprise it was a razor. I asked him what it was doing there to which he replied “I use it to shave on the way to work.” I said, “where do you stop to shave on your way to work” and he said, “No, I steer with my knees and shave in the mirror. I put on a tie the same way” at which point he pulled a couple of ties from the pocket on the door. I looked at him, and he was beaming with pride………

I would add that on the way back from the stag night I got a lift in his new BMW (his pride and joy), which was predictably full of rubbish. When I put it to him that he is the messiest man alive, he said “Not me anymore, that's Barbara's mess.”

4. His strange habits might make you wish he hadn't turned up…….…

Not long after I first met him, Fraser, myself and some other friends were in a bar (what a surprise) discussing some of the pranks we used to get up to when we were growing up. None of the exploits we discussed were particularly sophisticated, with one notable exception. To our stunned disbelief, Fraser described what he claimed was a common practice in Fife, the region in which he grew up. A group of his friends would creep into a dark field, and approach a cow, a creature that, he told us, sleeps standing up. They would gather on one side of the beast, and with a great heave, topple the cow over…….… The name of this great sport – COW TIPPING….… I am actually marrying a Fife girl myself, but she tells me she never did anything like this…….She wasn't strong enough…..…

However, with Fraser, it's not all bad….…

5. But he will always take pleasure in your hospitality….…

Fraser has always been an expert at hospitality. Enjoying it, that is. As I said earlier, when we were at university, Fraser was supposed to be staying at home with his mum. However, a combination of alcohol and convenience meant that he stayed in Edinburgh A LOT. Usually, this meant that he would stay at my house. I like to think that it was because of our close friendship, but it was probably because I also stayed at home with my mother and he liked the comfort……and the drinks cabinet….My mother still says he is her second son, although I think that is less to do with affection than the fact that he cost as much to keep as another son. My father is also fond of Fraser – he used to pat me on the back and say, “Son, Fraser's worth ten of you.”

Fraser was certainly grateful for the hospitality. There is another friend who is not here today, a certain John Dallas. John and Fraser once said to me that they would like to re-pay me for all the times they had stayed overnight at the house. They proposed building a statue in my parent's garden. Impressed, I said this was way too much, to which they said “yeah, but it would be a special statue. We'd call it the Statue of taking Liberties.”

THANKS:
Moving on, thanks must be made to a few people for creating and organising such a wonderful day:

Fraser and Barbara, if they were not here, nor would we. I think everybody would agree that they both look stunning……… even though I can't believe Fraser showed up with the same outfit as me…..… He's squandered his last chance to wear the trousers…..…

Thanks to Edwin & Shirley for their part in organising the events in South Africa. Thanks also to Heather for bringing Fraser up so well. No, really, that is a compliment…..…

I would also like to thank Morgenhof for the superb hospitality we have been enjoying.

CARDS:
I have some cards to read to you all……

ADVICE:
And finally, whilst researching this speech (yes it was prepared!!!) I asked some of the couples I know for advice for Fraser and Barbara on having a happy life together, and these are the top three repeatable replies.

1. There are 5 rings involved in marriage: Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering, torturing and enduring.

2. Always tell your wife those 3 important little word's … "you're right dear".

3. It's important to get on with your mother-in-law. A mate of mine didn't speak to his for two years. NOT because he didn't like her… It's just that he believes it's rude to interrupt.

AND FINALLY:
In all seriousness though, my final words are to you Fraser and Barbara. I think I speak for us all when I say that Fraser is about the most genuine, caring person I know and has been a great friend to me over the last ten years. In Barbara he has found a warm and beautiful wife, and I have no doubt that your love will be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.

With that could I ask you all to stand and raise you're glasses to Fraser and Barbara, The Bride and Groom.

The Bride and Groom!!