Speech by Neil Thomas

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neil Thomas
Speech Date: Apr 2002
INTRODUCTION

Ladies and Gentleman, For any of you that don`t know me, my name is Neil, I am David`s brother and the best man.

I must admit that I have made a very similar speech to this before. Once at a Barbecue for the Yorkshire Naturist Group and another time to the Doncaster and District Haemorroid Sufferers Society – a stand up buffet.

So to those of you who have heard this speech twice already, I apologise.

You know they do say that being asked to be the best man is a bit like being asked to make love to the queen mother, it`s a great honor but nobody really wants to do it.

Indeed I can tell you that this is the fourth time today that I`ve got up from a warm seat with a few sheets of paper in my hand.

Never the less I agreed to be David`s best man and I am sure you will agree that my first duty of getting him to the church not only looking smart but also on time and relatively sober was a success and, indeed something of an achievement.

Since we must speak well of the dead, our only chance to knock people is while there still alive. So here goes.

RETURN OF KEYS
Now I am sure that David will be the first to admit to being no mere youngster and being somewhat older than Donna there might be some past history there.

Because of this a month ago I took the opportunity of placing an advert in the Doncaster Star. It read as follows:

Notice to the ladies of the Borough of Doncaster. Former Bachelor extra-ordinaire, Mr David Thomas is to marry the lovely Miss Donna Edwardson on the 17th June 2000. Would those of you still having keys to his house please return them to me at the address below before this date. If you would like to add a message wishing him well please do so.

PULL OUT BAG OF KEYS
Thong:
Here`s a nice one with a message saying “Best Wishes from Lola”

Handcuffs:
This one says “you can keep these but forget about the whip” and that's from another Donna, a Dominatrix

Underpants:
This reads “Good Luck Dave” oh my god that should be “From Dave”

Big pants:
I think this ones best forgotten – Although I`m not sure David can.

DAVE`S BIRTH DATE

David was born on the 13th October 1967 and although I have not checked, something tells me it was Friday 13th of October.

David will no doubt be pleased to know that he shares his birthday with both Pamela Anderson and Mellinda Messenger. Sadly for him though that`s all he`s ever shared with them.

Having said that I have noticed that over the years David does seem to be filling out a bit in certain areas and there is a distinct possibility he`ll share the same bra size as them in the not too distant future.

DAVE IN EARLY LIFE/SCHOOL

Whilst I have known David all my life of course I wasn`t around for the first two and a half years of his and therefore have had to rely on the testimony of other relatives.
My Grandma tells me that he was a rather ugly and unpopular baby although she swears that there is no truth whatsoever in the rumour that Mum used to tie a bone round his neck just so the dog would play with him.

Apparently she got my Dad to do that.
Having checked the family scrap book for some tidbits I found that his primary school reports describe a pleasant young boy with a very keen interest in football, sewing and gymnastics.

That report must have been very worrying for Mum and Dad not to mention social services.

Secondary school reports of an enthusiastic, hard working, gifted and successful student regularly arrived at home.

Unfortunately our postman was dyslexic so they usually had to be handed over to the rightful recipients, the parents of the brainy kid from across the road.

David`s real successes at school came on the sports field. Whether it was football, rugby or necking with the captain of the sixth form netball team, it was on that field that he excelled and as a result was at his happiest.
RUGBY

Rugby has always been a great passion of David`s and he has been playing here at Doncaster Rugby Club for the best part of 22 years – not without incident.

At fifteen in an ill tempered school versus staff game he suffered a broken ankle. The teacher involved later told me that he regretted what had happened – apparently he`d been trying to break both legs.

In a more recent game David`s conduct was so bad the linesman took exception and ran a full 50 yards onto the pitch before booting him in the head.

Some of his team mates tell me that over the years he has gone from being a very well rounded player to just being, well. Round.
DAVID NOW
David has changed quite a bit since leaving school although he is still a man without charm or humour. The kind of person able to brighten up a room simply by walking out of it.

His natural charisma and Mexbrough have much in common as they`ve both been bypassed recently.

David has been described as conceited, selfish and arrogant and lets face it – his mother should know.

His friends know him as a man of few faults, but also as Donna will no doubt confirm a man who makes the most of the ones he has.

Dave and Donna
Perhaps, unsurprisingly David and Donna first met each other in a pub, the Bar of The Plough in Armthorpe.

Donna tells me that some time later through the fug of forty chain smokers and during a fist fight between two old ladies and a one legged gypsy he asked her a question and she said yes.

She thought that he had asked whether she wanted to enter the darts handicap. In the confusion she found she had agreed to go out on a date with him.

A week later they met in the romantic setting of the Wednesday night quiz at the Horse and Groom.

Back then David was a bit strapped for cash and only had £10 for the night. Being a gentleman and trying to impress he wouldn`t hear of Donna spending any money at all and when they arrived straight up to the bar he went.

A pint of bitter for him. Her choice a half of bitter with a dash of lime.

£2.55 pence.

There was evidence then that he was really keen on her – it took him another three dates to ask her to skip the lime so they could manage that fourth round.

After a whirlwind romance we find ourselves here today some 8 years later.

Donna
I`m sure you all agree with me when I say how wonderful Donna looks today in that fantastic white dress.

And from your point of view David she should match perfectly with your new kitchen.

CARDS/MESSAGES

Before proceeding with the toast I would like to read a couple of messages and cards from those not here this afternoon:

1) To David & Donna have a fantastic wedding! See you soon no doubt with love from Alan, Steph and Victoria Wine. – Sorry, I`ve got that wrong that should be all the staff at Victoria Wine.

2)Here`s one from The lads from the rugby club.
Donna, we`ve tried David in every position and found him to be useless. Here`s hoping that you have better luck tonight.

GENERAL

I`m sure that you will all agree with me when I say that it`s been a very emotional wedding. I noticed that even the cake was in tiers.

Not being married myself the only piece of advice I have for David is something I`ve picked up from observing Mum and Dad over the years.

Its up to the Man to remember to always keep saying those three little words – “You`re right dear”

Seriously though David, Donna is a lovely lass and she deserves a good husband.

Just thank god you married her before she found one.

TOAST

Ladies and Gentleman, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to David and Donna, the new Mr and Mrs Thomas. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long, happy and fruitful marriage.

“THE BRIDE AND GROOM”