Speech by Neil Thompson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neil Thompson
Speech Date: Sep2005
Good Afternoon Everybody.

Now, in true Sesame Street style, this speech is brought to you today by Imodium and by the number two!!

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Neil and for those of you that do … well I apologise.

Foolishly, Darryl has given me the great honour of being his best man on this very special day.
Let me just say how grateful I was to have been chosen to speak at such a joyous occasion.

I would also like to thank you for finally admitting after all this time that I have known you, that I am indeed, the best man!

First off, I would like to extend my thanks to both of you, for giving me the chance to dress like Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen and for helping me to fulfil one of my childhood dreams of becoming Frodo Baggins the ring bearer.

Funnily enough, you do bear a striking resemblance to Samwise Gamgee…… sorry, I meant Gollum!!

I am sure you will agree that today has turned out to be a fabulous event, but for every silver lining there is a cloud, and that is that you have to listen to me for a few minutes!

I do have a reputation for rabbiting on, so I will try and keep this as brief as possible.

Now as I mentioned, it is a great honour to be Best Man, but with the role comes the job of writing this speech, and to be honest I wanted to make the process as easy as possible.

So where do you begin for ideas?

The obvious place, being a computer geek would be the internet. So with a multitude of resources at my fingertips I dutifully began searching the web.

After a couple of hours searching I found some REALLY good stuff….but then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for Best Man tips!!!

Actually, being the best man is a big responsibility, and one that I have not taken lightly.
I conducted a lot of research to make sure that I wouldn't forget anything, and came up with a checklist of what my basic duties should be.

Item 1: Arrange the Stag Night – Newquay

Right, the law of the stag omits me from saying too much so the less said about this the better. So I will not mention anything about Darryl passing out in the Snooker room of the hotel with a triangle on his head. Or the fact that the groom's father has a strange fetish for pink bunny ears!

Item 2: On the wedding day, bring a credit card and loads of cash in case there is anything the groom may have forgotten to pay for.

Well, ever since I have known the groom, I have had to do this so that's nothing new. It's always been a case of short arms and deep pockets!

Item 3: Help the groom dress himself.

It took a while, but I did eventually manage to persuade the groom that the Church had a strict no jeans and trainers door policy. He does seem to have a fascination for attending weddings in jeans, t-shirt and trainers.

Item 4: Ensure that the groom is sober, punctual, has his shoelaces tied, his flies done up and uses the toilet before the service.

Okay, I failed a little here. He wasn't entirely sober, but he did attend the toilet nine times before the wedding.

Item 5: It is my responsibility to make sure his face and hair are in order.

Now, I think that this duty is totally unfair. If God couldn't do it right the first time, what chance do I have?

The rules also stated that I should sing the praises of the groom and tell you all about his good points.

Well, I cannot sing and I certainly won't lie!

Well, what can I tell you about the Darryl? I've know him for over 15 years. He's handsome, intelligent, Witty, Charismatic……..and…..sorry mate I can't read your writing at all…what does that say?

Darryl was born on Tuesday 14th of November 1972. Not much seemed to happen on this day, but at the hospital, this day still seems to be etched in history as &quotMonkey Boy Tuesday&quot!

Now I don't know whether this is a coincidence or not, but 2 weeks after he was born, Family Planning was made available free on the NHS!!

Looking at him now you may not believe this, but Darryl was not a pretty baby. In fact, he was the only baby in Hemel Hempstead to have shutters on his pram!

His mum Sue didn't get morning sickness until AFTER he was born!

ADLIB….…

My first impression of Tracey was that she was a beautiful, witty, charming, clever, friendly and a thoughtful person… And it just goes to prove that old saying that opposites really do attract.

But when it came to finding a wife, I don't think Darryl could've been luckier.
Tracey is a fantastic person and, as I'm sure you will all agree, looks absolutely stunning today.

Darryl just looks…well……..I like your suit!

It just leaves me now as is customary before the toast to offer the bride and groom a few words of worldly advice.
Being a young and unmarried man myself, this proved a little bit too difficult for me, so I asked my mum and dad how they managed considering they have over 40 years of wedded bliss.

My Mum's words of advice for Tracey were: A man is like a tiled floor – lay it right first time and you can spend years walking all over it!

And the advice from my old man to Darryl was: The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it…..just once!

There is an old saying – “you don't marry someone because you can live with them, you marry them because you simply cannot live without them”…I feel that this adage is very appropriate for you both. You seem ideal for one another and have produced a beautiful baby girl in Ellie.

So finally, I would just like to say that we wish you both, nothing but the best for the future. You are a unique and perfectly matched couple, and I hope that all your dreams come true and that you may have a long and happy life together.
Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding and charge your glasses to join me in a toast – to Tracey and Darryl, the bride and groom.

Thank You.