Speech by Neil Turner

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neil Turner
Speech Date: Jul 2001
Good Afternoon ladies & gentlemen, boys & girls. My name is Neil, I'm the
best man. I'm only going to speak for a couple of minutes because of my
throat…if I go on too long, my fiancée Sarah has threatened to cut it!!

It's a great honour to be asked to be best man, but terrifying, a bit like
being asked to make love to the Queen mum – a great honour, but no one
really wants to do it! But I think I have succeeded in my first duty of
getting Adrian to the church, sober, on time, and eventually married.

Before I carry on with Adrian's character assassination, I would like to
thank the bridesmaids for performing their role so wonderfully and looking
so thoroughly beautiful all day. I must say it has been a wonderful day and
an emotional wedding – even the cake was in tiers!!

What do we know of Adrian then? Well he was born 24th November 1970 in
Sunderland, where he spent his most formative years, which probably explains some of his more bizarre habits now.

Before we knew it we were 15 yrs old. Full of hormones, energy and a highly
developed interest in girls. To fund our new found interest, we launched
our careers in spectacular style – sweeping the floors in a paper mill in
Sunderland. Incidentally, this was Adrian's first and last real job!

I remember talking to NICOLA when we were first introduced. She told me
that the first time she laid eyes on Adrian, she thought he was HANDSOME
from AFAR. But earlier today she told me that he was FAR from HANDSOME!!

We may be asking ourselves what NICOLA sees in Adrian, I regularly do as
well! But they say love is blind and marriage is a real eye opener, so I'd
just like to say, Adrian, you are a lucky groom, marrying NICOLA today. She deserves a good husband……so thank goodness she married you before she found one!!!

Actually, I was talking to Adrian about what he wanted from his marriage, he said, "well, I want to be a model husband. I want to be a model citizen." And he added with a large grin that he also wanted to be a model lover!! Being the naïve chap that I am, I looked up "model" in the dictionary; it said "a small, miniature replica of the real thing"!!!

You Know, I should have known Adrian would have married a woman in a
uniform.

When we were in our teens, we were messing around in the park during our
lunch break and some how we ended up in a phone box, led by Adrian.
In the phone box was a scrawled message – "If you want free sex, phone Jill
on xxxxxxx" of course, Adrian couldn't resist.
The phone was duly answered, and Adrian asked for Jill. The person on the
phone wanted to know why. Adrian asked for her again. Again he was asked
why. "Well for free sex – why else"
The person on the phone stated sternly that they were Northumbria Police!,
and wanted to know who we were! We never ran so fast back to school. Of
course this incident obviously affected Adrian so much, his fetish for
policewomen has stuck with him.

**** TRAP ****
Obviously, with getting married, you'll be getting a place together of your
own, and soon you'll hear the patter of tiny feet.

I have something in my pocket to prevent it happening.

Reach into pocket for blobs – rummage with sly look- pull out MOUSETRAP!!!

**** BAG OF KEYS PROP ****
Now Adrian and NICOLA will be the first to admit that they are not mere
youngsters setting out on the road to adulthood, so its far to say that
there must be some past history here…*** SMILE ***

Because of this I took out an ad in one the national newspapers, it read :
Notice to all the ladies of England. Former bachelor extraordinaire Adrian
Adamson is getting married on 11th September 1999 to Miss Nicola Jones.
Would those of you still retaining keys to his home, kindly return them with a small note to the best man at the address below before this date.

I have a few of the keys here
1. Key with THONG attached – "good luck Adrian, Felicity Shagwell"
2. Key with HANDCUFFS- "you can have these but I'm keeping the whip"
3. Key with men's PANTS – "all the best for your big day, lots of love,
John"
4. Key with VIAGRA box from GP – "I think you might need these"

Onto a more serious note, I really do think that they make a wonderful
couple, and I'd like to wish them both many happy years together.

Finally on behalf of the Bride and Groom, I'd like to thank you for sharing
their day. It gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand and
raise your glasses to toast NICOLA and Adrian:

*** WAIT ***

NICOLA AND ADRIAN !!!!