Speech by Neil Young

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neil Young
Speech Date: Aug 1999
Firstly, On behalf of the bridesmaids I'd like to thank John for his kind words, and they'd like to add "you dinnae look too bad yersel" I have to agree with john though, the bridesmaids look wonderful and they've done an absolutely great job in getting Louise ready for today.

As you know, I'm John's brother, AND BEST MAN, Neil.

It's been said that being a best man, is like making love to the Queen Mother – it's a great honour, but nobody wants to do it.

Even so, I agreed to be best man, and I think I've succeeded in my duties, which are to get John to the Wedding: ON TIME – which is a first SMART – which is unusual, AND SOBER – which is unheard of

Anyway, now that he's here, it's customary, for me to share some embarrassing stories about John.

I couldn't think of any at first so I decided to ask our mum if she had any embarrassing PHOTOS, and she replied "What about when he was a bairn showing his willy"

Well – I was going to enlarge the photo for you all today, but there isn't a company in Britain which can blow it up so you can actually see anything.

John's grown up a bit since then, though, As you'll probably find out if he dances too fast in his kilt later on.

To be serious, though, those of you that know him will know he's grown up into a fine young man. He's a considerate, kind, quiet sort of a chap (most of the time) and he worked really hard in college to get his degree after which he landed a good job in Cardiff where he and Louise have since bought a house. Me and my mum and dad are all very proud of him, and think he's making a real success of his life.

He's not successful in everything he does – for instance when he was at Eyemouth High school, he used to play rugby for the school team, pretty badly.

Early on Saturday mornings, he would go away in high spirits, ready to take on the rival school teams. but he'd always come back at dinnertime, filthy with mud, and in a foul mood because he hadn't scored any tries. His school mates tell me he was useless in absolutely every position, Well, let's hope Louise has a bit more luck with him.

John doesn't play quite so much rugby these days, he prefers to stay in and watch the games on the telly. He'll watch anything but he loves watching the soap operas. As a matter of fact if it wasn't for Emmerdale Farm he wouldn't get any fresh air at all.

But he does go out, every now and then, to the PUB. He's got a bit of a reputation for being, well, how can I put it, not overly generous. I've heard it said that the only difference between john and a coconut is that you can get a drink out of a coconut.

Talking of drink, John's Stag Night was an interesting one. Things got off to a shaky start when John asked about the contents of the two shooters that were placed in front of him in the first pub. When he was told they were whisky and water he looked disgusted and replied, "I've never had a whisky before".

That's the noise we made as well, so once we stopped laughing, we forced him (under protest) to down one of them.

He downed it, went a lovely shade of green, then almost threw up over those of us who hadn't stepped back out of the way.

This completely put us off from getting him any more unusual drinks, until the next pub obviously, where he downed a vodka and, very considerately I thought, redecorated the floor and walls with it.

Well, we should have expected this since most of the lads know John's capacity for drinking isn't exactly great. Something else that isn't usually very great is John's pulling power. As a matter of fact, it's been the subject of much discussion, as to how John managed to pull such a lovely girl as Louise in the first place.

Well it was, until the stag night, when we witnessed John's "Special Gift". He was like a magnet. Everywhere we went girls would stop us, fifteen drunken blokes, just to talk to John.

John's magnetism, came as a complete shock to the lads, not just because it's never been witnessed before but also because Firstly, he was falling down drunk Secondly, dribbling sick down his chin Thirdly, he was wearing a huge Affro Wig the whole night.

Well, I don't know what it is you've got John, but it's obviously worked on Louise.

It wasn't in the wig though ‘cos we all had a shot and it did nothing for any of us.

Anyway, the stag night is a distant memory now and John and Louise are finally married.

I'm sure everyone here will agree John, that your a lucky man. Louise is a beautiful girl, smart, funny, caring and warm and deserves a good husband. So thank God you married her first, before she found one.

Before I make the toasts I'd just like to read out cards and messages from some of the people who couldn't make it today.

(cards)

Well, I started planning this speech three days a go, and you all probably feel like I've been delivering it for just as long, so it gives me great pleasure, not to mention relief to ask you all to stand now, and join me in a toast to the happy couple,

May your joy be everlasting, and may your pain . . . be champagne . . .

"John and Louise"