Speech by Neil

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neil
Speech Date: 28/08/2010 00:07:10

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. If I could just have your attention for a few minutes to say a few words.

I'd just like to start with,…..… R, I hope you made the most of your speech… now you're a married man that'll be the last time you get to speak for 3 minutes without being interrupted!

For those of you that don't know me I'm N and today R has finally admitted I'm “The Best Man “, so in the time honoured tradition of the best man I will now do my best to give R the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of his life. For the record the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of M's life will be coming later on this evening courtesy of R!

Within days of R actually asking me to be Best Man, M presented me with a book “Etiquette For Men “ a book of modern manners and customs, she had even helpfully detailed a list of page numbers I should pay special attention to. Pity Is I can only read with pictures!!

Seriously though and more importantly, I'd like to start off by congratulating the happy couple. And anyone who has been lucky enough to spend time in their company, will know what a great couple they are.

I'd like to say you are a match made in heaven but the fact is I just can't bring myself to call the place where this all started, Goodison Park, heavenly.

I'd like to ask R and M to help me with my speech.

M if I can ask you to place your right hand flat on the table R, if you can put your left hand directly on top of M …(PAUSE) Enjoying that R? Can u guys just stay like that for me for a while, they look so sweet don't they?

Now before I get into the part where I embarrass the Groom as much as possible I'd like to thank R on behalf of the Maid of Honour and bridesmaids for his kind words. I think you'll agree they have done a great job today and look fantastic..… They are of course only outshone by M, who I think you'll all agree looks absolutely stunning, and let's not forget R who just looks stunned

I would also like to thank the ushers D & M.  And of course a special thank you for M, the flower girl, looking great and doing a marvellous job.

I'd also like to thank all of you for coming. I have to admit, some of you clean up pretty nice.

As for me… well, I think there's no doubt that my role as best man is going better than expected already!!!

R said to me earlier whilst we were getting ready that he feels like the luckiest man in the world marrying M… as if he'd won the lottery. Well, M, your numbers are obviously still to come up, so the lads & I have had a bit of a whip-round and bought you this [*hand her lottery ticket*]. If he gets in anything like the state he did on the stag do, you may well be glad of a couple of bonus balls tonight.

I was speaking to M's dad  C earlier on today and he mentioned how quickly children grow up these days……… He said that when M was younger, he remembers sending her to bed with a dummy…………………funny how tonight history will repeat itself.

Now the week before the wedding, I emailed M and asked her if there was anything she would like me to do to help as the best man on the day of the wedding. I got back 3 requests. First, make sure R isn't hung over before the wedding. Secondly make sure he isn't late. And thirdly make sure he looks smart and handsome

The first couple were straightforward enough; the part of making sure he looked smart was pretty much taken care of by the men's outfitters, and the last? Well I'm Sorry M, If God didn't get it right the first time there's not much chance for me

No best man's speech would be complete without a mention of the stag night. Now, not content with just a single night of drunken debauchery… R insisted we stretch the occasion over an entire weekend during the World cup.

Now, as many of you will no doubt know, the law of the stag states that whatever happens on the stag stays on the stag. R can feel safe in the knowledge that I'm not going to say a word. In fact….… R's solicitor has insisted on it, at least until after the court case!!!!

I am supposed to let the brides parents know what type of man their daughter has married so here's a bit about R.

R was born on 8^th January 1973, now I have looked around to see if this date had any significant relevance, like a solar eclipse or an astrological event, but all I could find was this small paper clipping from the Liverpool Echo about a strange event at Liverpool Women's Hospital. (read the paper clipping & then pass it around)

I first met R working at T&B around 12 years ago, I've been trying to get rid of him ever since, so as you can imagine I owe M a great debt of gratitude today for finally taking him off my hands.

In fact, it's rather amazing that we have become such good friends, given the relatively few occasions back then that he actually bothered to turn up to work at all.

No seriously though, R is a great friend to have. He is funny, smart, modest, and in the years I have known him, I've never heard anyone question his intelligence. Actually, I don't recall anyone mentioning it at all.

He and I have been through a lot together. It has been to my benefit having him as a friend throughout everything life has thrown at us over the years. Thank you R for all the good times we have had. I know there are more good times ahead too, only now it will be as a married man and we'll have to clear any nights out 5 weeks in advance with the boss. It's an honour to be your best man today and to see you so happy on the day you got to marry your beautiful bride M.

I'd like to add that I hope you have a great time in North Wales on your Honeymoon. It's a beautiful area of the country and I am sure you will have lots of fun and enjoy everything North Wales has to offer……….… Well you told me you were going to Bangor all week?

Part of the role of the Best man is to offer some marital advice on how to be the perfect husband so to help set you on your way R… I canvassed the room and got some really good stuff for you!

 1. Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's the boss. Then do everything Mel says!

2. Your wife is always right

3. Just in case she is not right, refer back to #2

4. Roy if you're clever, you'll always have the last word. If you're really clever, you'll never use it!  

5. If you want to remember a special date……….forget it once!

6. Flowers are always a good Idea…..… even if you are not in trouble

7. If you ever lose your wife whilst out shopping just find a beautiful young girl to talk too your wife will appear within seconds.

And finally some advice from myself for both of you:

R, remember the Japanese word “Judo” (which is the art of yielding), or better known around here as “yes dear”. And M try not to be angry with R, As husbands are like computers… hard to figure out and not enough memory.

Well now it's time for my own special little gift to my best mate R on his wedding day.

Now you'll notice that I asked R to keep his hand on top of M all the way through my Speech.… Well I really hope you made the most of the last few minutes R because it's the last time you'll ever have the upper hand!!!!

Finally it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses to R and M.

I am sure everyone here today would like to wish them both good health, happiness and a wonderful life together.

Ladies and Gentlemen I give you the New Mr & Mrs