Speech by Neil

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neil
Speech Date: 17/07/2013 09:44:18

Hello, I'm Neil and it's my genuine honour and privilege to be here in Sweden, in this lovely venue, introducing myself to you all as Ben's Best Man.

I know what you're thinking, oh my god, the best man got a spray tan for the wedding, what a loser. Well Ben? What happened to ‘dude, we're totally going to get spray tans for the wedding’? Did you spend all your money on teeth whitening?

It is actually a genuine tan from being on holiday. So, having been away has meant it's been a few weeks since I last saw Ben and when I did I was expecting him to see him really stressed. After all, he's had a lot going on. Not only did he have all the wedding plans to help finalise but his boiler had broken down and work was as busy as ever. So I had no idea what sort of state he would be in and I was worried what kind of toll all these stresses would be taking on his tragically diminished hairline. I mean, it already takes him half of the morning to wash his face as it is. But, I couldn't have been more wrong. He was so excited and as happy as I've ever seen him. He just couldn't believe how lucky he was to get tickets to all three nights of Bob Dylan at the Royal Albert Hall later this year.

Ben, as awesome as Dylan is, it really doesn't get any better than your wedding day and I remember the pride I felt when you asked me to be your best man back in January. Although that feeling was quickly replaced by strong feelings of anxiety and nausea, all down to wanting to deliver the first class speech everyone deserves to hear today. My solution was to immediately go out and buy a book on how to deliver the perfect best man speech. The first chapter had the heading ‘Getting Started Early’ and talked about preparation being the key to giving a great speech, there was good stuff in here all about writing out a draft, re-visiting it once a week to make changes, talk to friends and family members of the groom and hear their stories, practice your speech on whoever would listen or even just in front of the mirror. This was very encouraging and my confidence grew with every page I read so you can imagine my disappointment when the car arrived to take me and Ben to the church before I had even started the second chapter. Do not be concerned ladies and gentleman, for what I lack in preparation I have made up for in drinking.

It's been fascinating to experience a wedding in a different culture and to learn about some of the Swedish traditions. For example, apparently whoever said ‘I do’ the loudest wears the trousers in the relationship! Another interesting fact is that during the course of an average Swedish Wedding there are so many toasts that is not unusual for everyone to have about 30 shots. Which, coincidently, is about the same number Ben managed before he, er, um, had to, er, have a bit of a rest on his stag do. 

It was also important to Alex and Ben to include some of the English wedding traditions. Chiefly, they were insistent that the classic and longstanding tradition of having a collection for the best man be included. I said it really wasn't necessary but as they did insist… 

(Remind audience that giving coins is considered bad luck to the bride and groom) 

Whilst that's being passed around, On behalf of the bridesmaids I would like to thank Ben for his kind words. I think you'll all agree that they looked terrific. And what a special flower girl Emma was she very almost outshone the bride, who as I'm sure you'll all agree has exceeded even the highest of expectations. Alex, you look delightful. 

I would also like to thank Ben for choosing me as his best man. I've gotten to know some of his other friends a little better during Ben's stag do and they are a great bunch of guys so it really got me thinking, why me? The answer is that he thinks I have the worst memory and am therefore in the weakest position to humiliate him on his big day. He is in fact right and I do have a terrible memory and can't remember any embarrassing incidents involving Ben at all… That's why I've always kept a diary. (Pull out diary). Where shall we start then Ben? Las Vegas 2008? Amsterdam 2010? Or what about that time we were staying in Dublin when you drank 12 pints of Guinness and went off with that Seamus guy? I can't remember quite what happened but when I got back to the room it was in an awful state and, what was it you said happened? Oh yeah, you were teaching him how to do Turkish Wrestling and you fell awkwardly on the fruit bowl. I remember thinking ‘when will Ben learn?’ And why does he always need a bowl of fruit when he's teaching guys how to Turkish Wrestle. 

Sadly, there isn't actually anything I can say to humiliate or embarrass Ben. That's not to say he hasn't done things he should be ashamed of but Ben demonstrated on his stag do that he has no shame at all and clearly doesn't share the same set of morals and values that most civilised people do. 

Like all of us, Ben did some silly things in his younger days but has significantly matured since meeting Alex and now only drinks snaky b's on very special occasions. (Explain snaky b's are what 14 year old girls drink as an alcoholic beverage if need be) 

It took a long time for Alex and Ben to become an item but two things happened that made me realise that Ben was very serious about her. The first was when Ben, Alex, my wife and I all went to Ben's parent's home in Norfolk for a weekend. I was really looking forward to watching the Star Wars trilogy in the cinema room, drinking too much beer and eating popcorn. I thought it was strange that he would even want to invite a girl he was keen on to share this experience but decided he must have been thinking of company for my wife. Now, I don't exactly know where it all started going wrong, but wrong it most certainly went. Other than on one inspired night during our first year at university where we magically created a Hawaiian pizza from nothing more than a frozen ham pizza and pineapple chunks (tinned of course – I never went near the fresh fruit in the bowl!) I can't recall a time that we have ever spent time cooking together. So how the girls ended up in the cinema watching Dirty Dancing and we ended up trying to figure out how a puzzling array of seafood, herbs, garlic butter and Mediterranean vegetables could be transformed into a feast worthy of winning Alex's heart I will never know. It certainly was a brave move by Ben and whether it was the meal or something else that happened I'm not sure but I knew that Ben and Alex were getting serious after that weekend. 

The second thing that let me know how serious Ben was getting was when he stopped seeing me as frequently on a Thursday night. Just like some people go to church every Sunday, Ben and I went drinking White Russians every Thursday. It was always in the same place and generally one of us was always late so there would be some sort of penalty shot or two of tequila waiting for the latecomer. So it's fair to say, some nights could be pretty messy. Gradually he started cancelling the occasional night and then more and more frequently. Now I don't blame Ben at all, in fact I should really thank him as my manager has given me a significant pay rise, saying I've become 20% more productive over the last few years, it's as if I'm working an extra day every week. 

The truth is Ben has many great qualities, and that might even include cooking these days – I'm not sure. I'm not going to list them all out, I'll save that for his eulogy. Everyone in this room knows why we're lucky to have him as a friend, or a son, or a brother, or a dad and now a husband. And on that note Ben… 

It is time to pass on some advice to you as a newly married man. (Pause – look at Ben) You might want to write this down.  Anyway, the advice, or maybe it's just some wisdom, is this: 

Ben, even though you've managed to convince this wonderful lady to marry you, that doesn't mean you know nearly enough about how the mind of a women works. 

Just like every married man, you're not perfect; you will get things wrong, you will make mistakes and often have no clue at all why. It will feel like there's a whole set of rules and only women know what they are. 

So my advice is to not try to figure it out. Just do your best for Alex everyday and accept you're going to make mistakes and then you might as well forget them as there really is no point in both of you remembering. 

I might not be able to remember how or when exactly we became friends Ben -I mean, lord only knows what a kid that dressed like he was from South Central LA and a kid that dressed like Bob Dylan circa 1966 found they had in common. – was it Eastenders? Anyway, what I do know is that you have always been a true friend and that you and Alex deserve all the happiness in the world… 

Ladies and gentleman, would you all please be upstanding and raise your glasses in a toast to the bride & groom, Mr & Mrs Fowler.